


Reading My Eyes

by SonataNocturne



Category: Linkin Park
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Depression, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 22:14:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 54,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14318253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonataNocturne/pseuds/SonataNocturne
Summary: Chester is gone. Chester is really gone and Mike falls apart and they are forced to pick up the pieces.





	1. Thinking I'm okay, but they're saying otherwise

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the story behind 'Reading my eyes will say it in many ways'. Decided to leave it as oneshot, even though this continues from there. But you don't have to read it before this. I tried to follow actual real life events as close as possible, as far as we know them. With some exceptions.
> 
> The warnings are there for a reason.

\--------

 

He could hear the voice and panic in it, but he couldn't move. Nor didn't want. Like weighing a ton he felt just sinking further to the bed. And deeper to the warmness, the sounds echoing in the background.

 

"Mike! Open your eyes! Please!", someone shook him, hard.

 

He heard it, like he was under water, the voice muffled and somewhere far away. It was so comfortable, same as you are falling sleep. The time just before you drift to the dreamland. Or maybe he was already sleeping, and dreaming it all.

 

"Wake up! Mike! I'm not losing you too! Fuck!", the voice sounded more desperate again shaking him.

 

Lovely numbness was spreading and he probably would have smiled if he could have only moved. It started from his fingers and toes traveling further, tingling slightly as it went. As it reached his chest he shivered. Breathing was harder. Like the air was thin and heavy at same time. His lungs were screaming, squeezing, burning. Or maybe he imagined it. Or maybe he was dreaming.

 

"Why are they taking so long.... Mike! Wake up!", there was a yell again, louder.

 

His poor lungs were objecting as the fists slammed on his chest. The ringing in his ears got yet again louder, piercing through his brains. The numbness continued spreading, and soon he couldn't feel his face anymore. As the voice continued its yells he realized something was wrong. He wasn't dreaming, he was there but something was different.

 

But the lovely numbness didn't leave him alone and he was still falling. It consumed him covering all of his existence completely ignoring the question that floated in his brain. One by one his nerves tingled and then started to shut down.

 

There was a scream again, and it was him himself. He couldn't comprehend how he had managed that. As he couldn't feel his face anymore. Suddenly it was cold, so cold. Freezing him to the core.

 

"Finally! Hang on Mike", the muffled voice said again.

 

And then there were several voices fussing around. He felt when he was being lifted and shifted. The numbness was a bliss but now he was being tossed around and he wanted to scream at them to leave him alone. To let him be there, still sinking.

 

"Mr. Shinoda calm down. We're going to take care of you", a new voice said.

 

"Mike stop it! They are helping you", the previous voice was next to it.

 

Then it all went black. Just echoing black void rushing over him.

 

~~~~~~

 

"Hey", the same voice was there when he opened his eyes.

 

He glanced around the white room realizing instantly that he was in hospital. His throat felt like sandpaper and only wheezing came out when he tried to talk. Then his eyes settled to the source of the voice.

 

"What the hell were you thinking? We almost lost you. You too! Mike what the fuck?", Brad said the pain audible in his voice. He had been crying. Hours, Mike would say. Eyes red and swollen.

 

Then it hit him. Chester. Chester wasn't there anymore. Panicking he started to trash around screaming.

 

"Mike stop! You can't...", Brad tried to calm him down but when Mike ripped the bandages he realized there was no way he could do it alone.

 

He ran to get a doctor knowing this was just a start. The pain squeezing his heart wasn't stopping anytime soon either.

 

Finally the doctor was found and after an injection Mike was calm again. Or calm was really an understatement. He was drugged to the state and the tears kept flowing from his eyes as he trembled. The man in white coat checked the wounds and that the stitches were still intact and changed the bandages then, before leaving the room again.

 

He sat there staring at the broken man before dropping his head to his hands. There was no wait out of this. Every possible turn would eventually lead to another obstacle. Then his phone rang.

 

"Is he wake yet?", Rob mumbled. He had been crying too. Brad could hear it in the voice.

 

"Yeah. And then he panicked and I had to get a doctor to drug him up. A minute longer and he would have ripped the stitches", the guitarist answered glancing at Mike. He looked so fragile on the hospital bed. The chest rising heavily and then settling back down. The bandages covering his arms almost up to the elbows.

 

"Brad what the hell are we going to do", the drummer swallowed hard, a lump in his throat objecting. It wasn't even a question. He knew there was really nothing they could do.

 

"I don't know. I wish I could. It hurts so bad to see him like that. Physically. It feels like my heart can't take it", Brad breathed.

 

"What now? What...", Rob started his voice breaking. "God. What do you think is the next step?"

 

"They said he is free to leave tomorrow. I think... I fucking hate this. We can't leave him alone now", the other answered glancing at the emcee who was now staring the window. That had blinds closed.

 

"Call me tomorrow then", Rob sighed.

 

As the call ended Brad leaned back on the chair letting his limbs relax. Thoughts were running through his head but he couldn't catch any of them. Now it was just cacophony bouncing around the corners of his mind.

 

At last he caught one and that he was going to keep. He stood up walking beside the emcee.

 

"Mike. We are here for you. I'm here for you. And I'm not letting you go anywhere", Brad squeezed Mike's shoulder.

 

He didn't know what to do. The glue, their glue, had broken down to millions of pieces and glue was exactly what was needed to put him back together. Without Chester the task sounded beyond impossible.

 

\--------


	2. Sometimes, things just seem to fall apart

\---------

 

  
"You know you have to eat", Dave's turn to watch him. Like he needed a babysitter.  
  
  
  
After Chester passed he had went to autopilot mode. Cancel and arrange were the only things that he knew should be done. And that he did. Most of it alone saying he would handle it, and only when he was pushed aside, demanded to handle himself first he left the rest to others. Just as he was starting to break down.  
  
  
  
Then he sent Anna and the kids away which she did gladly, booking the next flight to her parents. Cause that's not a state you want your children see your husband in. She had looked so sad, so heartbroken. And that was the only thing he remembered from that day.  
  
  
  
After that he knew that he had to get out. Out of the reach of people that cared. At least they said they did care. But they didn't understand. How could they even? It wasn't _their_ Chester that had died even when it same time was.  
  
  
  
So he booked a hotel room from the other side of the town. Not too cheap, but not the most expensive one either. One that wouldn't draw attention to him, but was comfortable enough. His brains told him to leave a message for the guys where he was, which was his first mistake. Or maybe it was luck. Which way you think about it. He didn't know. Now it seemed that it was a mistake.  
  
  
  
Then he went to buy vodka. A lot of it. And orange juice. Something that would go down even when the vodka wanted to come up. And that was it. That was all he took with him. Phone he had with him but it wasn't really no use after he had thrown it across the room to the wall, making it fall to pieces. That's modern technology.  
  
  
  
"Mike. You have to eat", the voice again. It was getting annoying.  
  
  
  
"Not hungry", he mumbled back not turning his gaze. Just staring at the distance.  
  
  
  
So that's what he did then. Made sure the vodka was used properly. When he got hungry he ordered from the room service just to find out that he wasn't that hungry anymore. He didn't even know what hungry was now. Or cared anyway.  
  
  
  
After some days he couldn't remember what day it was and it was a bliss. He had finally gotten to that state he wanted to be in. Not remembering what had happened. What was happening. Smiling behind the tears sounded now absurd, but that he did.  
  
  
  
But it was getting too foggy. When he had slipped in the shower and smashed the vodka bottle he realized there was something that was pulling him under and he was about to give in.  
  
  
  
"Try at least. It's your favorite", Dave sighed looking at the pale emcee. Sunken eyes with dark circles around them, dirty hair drooping on his face, unshaved beard and same clothes as yesterday. And day before that. Overall such a sad sight that it would have broken his heart if it wouldn't have been already broken.  
  
  
  
"Don't care. It doesn't taste of anything", he said barely managing to get the words out of his mouth.  
  
  
  
And then he had started to give in. The glass shards looked like little pieces of heaven that would take the pain away. All of it. But there was still something that was holding on to him, pulling to the other direction. That was the second mistake. To think about it. Cause if he would have acted then, he would have bled to death before Brad managed to find him.  
  
  
  
But it wasn't anything that vodka couldn't fix. So after thinking enough he had grabbed another bottle and mixed a new drink. Or rather poured since the orange juice had ran out few days ago. He was nauseated already but ignored the feeling as he downed glass after another.   
  
  
  
After that the pieces were screaming at him, "Do it!" Remembering all the cliché _'how to cut yourself properly'_ -guides he pushed the shard to the vein cutting upwards. And that was his third mistake. There was blood, there was so much of blood. But not enough cause he had missed the arteries. Even when he repeated it to the other arm, mind blurring cause of the alcohol, it wasn't draining him fast enough. He watched as the red liquid ran out of his arms smiling and fell back to the bed.  
  
  
  
As he laid there wondering why was he even there in the first place, he started slowly drift to a state that was beyond what he had wanted. It was beautiful. All the colors in the room started to brighten and then they faded, doing it again and again making his head spin. Only thing that really bothered him was how hard it was to breathe. Then he started to feel more nauseated which was rather annoying cause he couldn't move. But soon his mind started to blur and didn't remember where he was or who he was.  
  
  
  
And then Brad found him and ruined it all.   
  
  
  
"Mike listen to me. You know what happens if you don't eat?", again the voice that wasn't now getting him only annoyed, but mad. He pulled the fleece blanket around him tighter, thinking why it was so cold.  
  
  
  
After stomach pumping and several stitches he was a brand new person. Or wished he was. Cause they apparently forget to take his memories away. Memories of him. Memories that now caused nothing but pain making him feel sick.  
  
  
  
_Glue. What is a glue when it has lost its viscosity? All of its properties to keep stuff together. Interlocking parts to make them more durable and strong, resisting heat and shock. That it should be doing, that he should be doing._  
  
  
  
Sitting there on his back porch staring somewhere to the distance he was just an empty shell. Empty shell and walls so thin that he barely managed to keep them up. Even the wind blowing, making him shiver, felt like it was invading, chilling him to the bone. Nothing left of the glue he maybe once had been.  
  
  
  
"Hey. Tell me what I can do to make you eat?", Dave again ignoring his silent pleads to leave him alone. He had been worried. But now he was getting even more worried.  
  
  
  
"Nothing. Just leave me alone. I don't need a babysitter", he sighed trying not to snarl. It wasn't Dave's fault that he was like this. But it would soon be if the man wouldn't leave him alone.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. You don't even believe that yourself. We can't lose another friend... we can't lose you too, you hear me?", the other frowned.  
  
  
  
Like he could ever explain it to them that he didn't want to die. He just wanted the pain to stop. Cause it was gnawing him, eating from inside. Making him hollow, to the shell he was. Until there was nothing more left than the pain.   
  
  
  
Mike shot a glance at him and ran inside and to the bathroom locking the door behind him. Just in time to puke up his stomach contents. Which was water and coffee. How convenient he didn't want to eat. Soon it changed to retching and crying in panic. Like a landslide he couldn't stop. He crumbled to the floor next to the toilet seat and draw his knees to his chest. Tears just kept flowing and he wondered when would they stop. When would be the time when there wouldn't be any more tears to cry.  
  
  
  
_Where the hell was the control when he needed it the most?_  
  
  
  
"Mike let me in please. Let me help you", Dave was pounding the door making it jump against the frames.  
  
  
  
_You can't help me. No one can. He could have. But he isn't here. And he is the reason why I am this mess._  
  
  
  
"Mike seriously. You can't do this to yourself", the pounding got harder causing him to yell back. Only thing he could think now was that did he managed to hide all sharp from the bathroom.  
  
  
  
Dave gave up the pounding soon when he realized Mike was just crying. Not listening to him, not hearing him or not wanting to. Then he called the others. He couldn't do this alone. Not now when Mike was like that. Rob and Brad arrived shortly, they were kind of on duty now. Always ready when needed. All of them knew that they shouldn't leave Mike alone, not yet. Joe came just little bit after them.  
  
  
  
Inside Mike had drifted to some sort of partial catatonic state mumbling to himself still in the fetal position as they busted the door open.  
  
  
  
"So you leave him alone and this is what happens?", Joe gasped staring at the trembling emcee. "How can we ever... even just for a second!"  
  
  
  
"I didn't leave him alone. He ran here before I could stop him", the bassist mumbled not surprised by Joe's reaction.  
  
  
  
"That's even worse! Fuck!", the other said pointing at Mike. "Look! He is just one messy... thing."  
  
  
  
Rob went to pick him up, gently lifting him to his lap and carrying to the bedroom. First they had forced him out of the bed and now they were apparently going back to the square one.  
  
  
  
As the drummer laid him to the bed Mike started to search the room with his eyes, waking from the state he had been in.  
  
  
  
_One. Two. Three. Four._  
  
  
  
"Where's...", he started and then it hit him. Again. Like a lightning from the sky and there was no way he could have escape it. And then he felt like he was about to choke.  
  
  
  
Rob watched terrified as Mike's face drained from all color as it dawned on him. That the singer wasn't anymore there with them. Like a viscous circle he was stuck in. Awaking again and again to the fact that he was gone.  
  
  
  
"Mike, Chester isn't...", Dave started but stopped as soon as the color on Mike's face turned to totally opposite.  
  
  
  
"Don't you fucking dare to say his name!", he yelled his voice breaking then. "Don't you ever...", he was about to lunge from the bed when Brad acted first and crawled to the bed, scooping him to his arms. Mike was about to fight him back but cling then onto him like to a last straw.  
  
  
  
Mike wailed and screamed until there was nothing more to scream. Only wheezing came out as the tears landed on Brad's shirt clad shoulder. It could have been just a physical dagger to their hearts, that much it hurt to watch it.  
  
  
  
"I want him back", he sobbed letting Brad rock him from side to side. "It hurts. Please make it stop, please."  
  
  
  
Brad watched the others over Mike's shoulder worry painted on his face. They were all tense and waiting for another breakdown when even the first one hadn't properly passed. This was what was left of them. Just pieces that weren't really possible to be put back together cause they didn't fit. Not without Chester.  
  
  
  
Soon Mike was so tired that he went limp and unresponsive. Brad let him fall to the bed still keeping him in his arms. When he started to breathe calmly the guitarist realized he had fallen to sleep. He sighed and nodded at the others.  
  
  
  
"And now? How are we supposed to carry on when he...", Joe started but then just threw his hands in the air, frustrated.  
  
  
  
"Obviously I'm not needed anymore today. Do you want me to do something?", Dave asked slightly reluctant to leave.  
  
  
  
Brad shifted and sighed again. "Just take my shoes off."  
  
  
  
The bassist nodded and helped the other placing the shoes next to the bed.  
  
  
  
"No one answered my question", Joe stated crossing his arms on his chest. He wasn't mad at Mike. He was mad at Chester.  
  
  
  
"Cause we don't fucking know, okay? If you have ideas be my guest and spill it out. For now, all we can do, is to survive to the next day and make sure he doesn't kill himself. Cause I sure as hell can't make it if he leaves us too", Rob growled.  
  
  
  
"Fine", the deejay mumbled taking a step back.  
  
  
  
"Anything but fine, Joe", Rob glared at him getting pissed.  
  
  
  
But Joe just shook his head. Fighting certainly wasn't the answer.  
  
  
  
"I'm coming around six then so you can go home okay?", the drummer asked from Brad who looked like he was about to break down any second too.  
  
  
  
"Okay. I'll make sure during the night that he... is still here", Brad huffed and grabbed his phone from his pocket to set up alarms. After every few hours, so that if Mike would wake up and he wouldn't wake to him moving, he would to the alarm. "Can you call Elisa? I just... I will just bawl my eyes out if I talk with her."  
  
  
  
Rob nodded and adjusted his glasses. No matter in what way he thought about the situation, he couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Weren't you supposed to see it? Like even a glimpse?  
  
  
  
"You okay?", he asked checking his phone. It wasn't even nine PM. Brad had to survive so many hours.  
  
  
  
"No. And I don't know how I ever could be. But as long as he is sleeping we have a moment to relax. Call me when you get home", the guitarist sighed and gestured them they could leave. It's not like Rob didn't know all that already. Saying it out loud just helped him confirm that he wasn't crazy. That he wasn't imagining it all.  
  
  
  
As the front door clicked closed he exhaled loudly and closed his eyes to get some sleep. But as did only thing he could see was Chester's face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. All reviews and kudos are greatly appreciated. Love you all


	3. But maybe I'm just falling, to get somewhere they won't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another sad chapter. I want to emphasize that the lines Mike thinks people think/say are not my own thoughts. Sensitive matter so I want to clear that out.

\-------  
  
  
  
As Brad woke up and Mike wasn't in the bed anymore he almost had a heart attack. _How the hell can I be so fucking stupid that I didn't wake up before him? What happened to the alarms?_ , he thought kicking the covers aside and rushing to find the emcee.  
  
  
  
Mike was on the living room folding up some clothes. Brad frowned and stood to watch. Quickly he realized that was just obsessive-compulsive behavior. Take shirt, make sure it isn't inside out, make sure it's straight. Then straighten the wrinkles and fold neatly. And place on top of the others. Organize by colors and keep the piles straight too. Repeat.  
  
  
  
"Mike", he sighed sitting on the couch.  
  
  
  
No answer. Another shirt ready to the pile, now faster. The black pile was done then, no more black shirts left.  
  
  
  
"Mike. Stop it", Brad tried harder.  
  
  
  
Still no answer. Now the white shirts. Even faster. This would be a big pile.  
  
  
  
"Mike! Stop it!", the guitarist yelled and grabbed his hands making the other drop the shirt he was about to fold.  
  
  
  
The eyes that turned to him were so sad, so desperate. Like dark, bottomless pools of pain. Only pain and different shades of it, nothing else.  
  
  
  
"Please. That's just.... Mike....", Brad pleaded releasing the hands and picking up the shirt from the floor.  
  
  
  
"I can't. Just... Make it go away", the whisper was filled with pain too.  
  
  
  
Everything he did, everything reminded him about Chester. There was the shirt he wore at the last interview with him. He wanted to burn it. The last tweet that was retweeted over again and him tagged. He didn't go back in Twitter. Studio door had been open. Just a glance at the guitars, painting Chester had made and Maschine squeezed his heart. Or what was left of it. He had slammed the door closed and promised to never go back. Even the coffee maker. How was he supposed to drink coffee without thinking Chester?  
  
  
  
"I wish I could", Brad mumbled turning away.  
  
  
  
His heart was broken, and looking at the sad emcee just made sure it stayed that way. It would scar someday, but that day could as well have been in the next lifetime, that far away it was. And then there was this broken human being that was his best friend, mourning over his another friend. And he could give anything to get them both back.  
  
  
  
Brad's phone started to ring and he was forced to step away and leave the emcee be for awhile.  
  
  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
  
  
"How's it going?", Rob's ragged voice said.  
  
  
  
"He woke up before me. Folding clothes, totally obsessive-compulsive. Please hurry, I can't... take it anymore", Brad breathed his hand raking his hair.  
  
  
  
He didn't want to insult Mike. But seeing him like this was harder than he could have ever imagined.  
  
  
  
"I still don't need a babysitter", Mike mumbled when Brad had ended the phone call.  
  
  
  
"Yes you do. If you want to die and... We can't take it", the other glanced at him biting his lip.  
  
  
  
"I wasn't... I don't want to die. I just want to end the pain. I can't take _that_!", the half Asian cried out and threw a neatly folded pile of black t-shirts across the room.  
  
  
  
The guitarist watched the burst silently. He didn't know what to do. Or rather he knew plenty things he could do, but he felt that it wouldn't make any difference.  
  
  
  
Mike sat down and stared in front of him. What there is to live for though? All that he had build thus far was just coming crashing down and he couldn't help it. There was literally nothing he could do, than to watch. He didn't even want to imagine what it was like out there. What people were talking, all that bullshit. Probably blaming him. Or them. Cause that's what people do.  
  
  
  
 _But he was always so happy._  
  
  
  
 _He had it all, why leave?_  
  
  
  
 _Why didn't he say something?_  
  
  
  
 _The family must have known. And the bandmates, right?_  
  
  
  
 _Why Mike and the others weren't there when he needed them the most?_  
  
  
  
 _It's their fault. They let it go too far._  
  
  
  
 _They should have saved him._  
  
  
  
Of course they were blaming him. He was blaming himself too. He wasn't there, but he should have been. He should have known better, after all these years. Maybe there was something he could have done. Something, anything. Or said. Or maybe he had said something he shouldn't have had. He couldn't even remember what they had talked the last time.  
  
  
  
Then the door opened and Rob came in, stopping his thoughts. "Go on Brad. Dave's coming tomorrow. Call if you need anything."  
  
  
  
The drummer certainly hadn't had lots of sleep. He looked almost as bad as Mike. Only difference being that he had showered, Mike was still wearing the same clothes as before.  
  
  
  
They exchanged few words with each other before Brad left giving one last, sad glance at the emcee, who was still staring in front of him.  
  
  
  
"Mike. You need to get to the shower. I know you don't want to but you stink. And then we are leaving out of the house. Not for a long, but just for a while. And then we come back, okay?" Rob explained and pulled the reluctant man with him towards the bathroom.  
  
  
  
Mike obeyed like a robot. He didn't want this, but he was too tired to fight back. So instead he let Rob undress him, remove the bandages and push under the water. Standing there made him realize that he probably hadn't showered in a week. Somehow he couldn't even remember what day it was. Again. He had heard it, but now he had forgotten it. Was it already August?  
  
  
  
Rob sighed and stared at him. He had never seen the other so broken. He really was just an empty shell of what he once had been. And the wounds. They were bad. Long and angry looking, and numerous amount of stitches holding the edges together.  
  
  
  
The emcee managed to wash himself with some persuasive help, and then he was pulled under a towel and the stream closed. The drummer helped him to the bedroom and picked up some clothes while Mike sat there, motionless. He bandaged the wounds again and then pointed at the clothes.  
  
  
  
"Here, let's get you dressed. Okay?" Rob tried to smile. Like it would help anything. Mike didn't even look at him, or would have cared to see a smile. But Rob tried. He had to try. He had to try and be there. Mike needed them even when he didn't say it out loud.  
  
  
  
"Not that", the emcee gasped when he saw the shirt Rob had pulled out. Like the one he had thought earlier, just another occasion. Memories rushed in and he felt like choking.  
  
  
  
"Fuck", Rob mumbled and pushed the shirt to the farthest corner in the closet. He picked up another one and showed it carefully to the emcee. Long sleeved one to cover the bandages.  
  
  
  
Mike glanced at him and nodded. That didn't flick the switch. Eventually he managed to push the memories back where they belonged and let the drummer clothe him up.  
  
  
  
"You ready? We are not going far or won't take long. I just think you need some... fresh air and the backyard doesn't really... be enough", Rob said tossing a pair of shoes in front of him.  
  
  
  
Mike sighed and pushed his feet into the shoes. Sure he had options. Fight back and not consent was one. But what was the point? There was no point anymore. There was no point in any of this anymore. So yet again he obeyed and let the drummer guide him to his car.  
  
  
  
Rob chewed his lip as they drove around. He didn't have a plan but he would try everything to make Mike better. The emcee was staring out from the window not really seeing it all. Inside there was a black hole consuming him. And thought by thought he was disappearing.  
  
  
  
"Hey. Lets go there", Rob said turning to a parking lot of a mall fete they had driven around for a while. "Just... lets fetch some coffee and if you... maybe there's something you like and would lift your mood. A little bit even." Far-fetched but he was still trying.  
  
  
  
Coffee. _Chester._  
  
  
  
Mike grunted at the word but followed the other anyway. They walked in and sought the Starbucks. Rob made the orders and watched as Mike passively stood there, staring at his feet. He asked would Mike want to see something but as the emcee shook his head he realized maybe this was just enough. At least he had gotten Mike out of the house. Even just for a little while.  
  
  
  
They headed back to the car but as they walked past a accessory store Mike froze up.  
  
  
  
 _......In the kitchen one more chair than you need..._  
  
  
  
Then it all went in slow motion. He dropped the coffee cup, the hot liquid splashing all over the floor and screamed. People were startled but no one came to ask was he okay. Or didn't even have a chance. Rob turned to face him just in time to read the panic on his face before he bolted. Mike ran back to the car as fast as he could his mind repeating _no no no no no no._  
  
  
  
He tried to pull the door handles even though he knew they were locked. He was there exposed and vulnerable when all he wanted was to crawl into a dark place and never leave. Disappear. The line repeated over and over again in his mind and he couldn't breathe. It was like someone was cutting his insides. Just as he was about to run somewhere the car door opened and he was able to get in.  
  
  
  
Sobbing he let his head drop to his hands but his breathing just couldn't calm down. Rob was there in seconds, shocked and sad. Disappointed, cause it was his fault. If he wouldn't have brought them here Mike would have been safe at home.  
  
  
  
"Mike I'm so sorry. I... didn't even think about that", he gasped starting the car.  
  
  
  
The whole way back to the house Mike shook and sobbed. And the whole time Rob talked to him calmly hoping he would relax. The breathing steadied down finally and the drummer was relieved.  
  
  
  
Back there Mike walked straight inside and to the master bedroom and after kicking his shoes off he crawled under the blanket and covered himself up. It wasn't as durable as the one he was building around himself emotionally, but at least he didn't have to see anyone now.  
  
  
  
"I made a mistake. They... played us at the mall", Rob called Brad instantly.  
  
  
  
"Fuck... Not your fault. You know that", the guitarist exhaled loudly.  
  
  
  
"Yeah, I know. But how the hell are we supposed to.... if every time Mike hears him he goes into a panic mode. We can't keep him inside for the rest of his life?", the drummer mumbled. "I can't... Seeing him break down like that you know. The panic and pain. You can almost touch it. I didn't even properly hear the song cause he..."  
  
  
  
"I get that Rob. And... honestly I have tried to push my own feelings aside. But his pain makes my pain worse. I don't know how can I handle it. And how long will it take? There's no date for grief. But... If he doesn't get better soon... what are we going to do?", Brad groaned in the other end.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. We need time. Lots of it. I'm going to make something for him to eat now. I know he won't eat anyway. Dave is coming early I hope", the other said feeling utterly lost. Grabbing sandwich stuff from the fridge he sighed again.  
  
  
  
"As we agreed. Joe's turn then. But if you don't need me now I have to go. The kids don't wait", Brad muttered.  
  
  
  
"K. Call me", the drummer ended the call and finished the sandwiches.  
  
  
  
Then he picked up the clothes that were still on the floor. After folding them again to a pile he grabbed the sandwiches, glass of apple juice and one pill from a jar they had had to hide. Just to be sure. Rob was more worried about the knives they had hid too.  
  
  
  
"Mike. I brought you some sandwiches", he placed the items to the nightstand.  
  
  
  
"Do you mind if I join you? I could watch TV while you sleep? But I would like you to eat first", he continued and touched the shoulder that was covered by the blanket.  
  
  
  
Mike flinched and let out a strangled sound that was something between a sob and a groan, and peeked from under the blanket. "I'm not hungry. You... I don't care. But you can just leave me too."  
  
  
  
"I won't. I know me just staying here... doesn't help. But I rather be here with you than downstairs alone", Rob sighed and walked around the bed before getting next to him.  
  
  
  
"There's a pill. You sleep better if you take it. But try to eat, okay?", he pointed at the table.  
  
  
  
Mike rose up slowly and stared at the table. He wasn't hungry. He couldn't even remember when he had last time been hungry. But he ate the other sandwich and then downed the glass of water and the pill. The doctor prescribed him some but this is the first time he saw one. Then he fall back on the bed.  
  
  
  
The room fell silent. Only the talk on the TV could be heard.  
  
  
  
"I should have known. I should have known", the emcee breathed.  
  
  
  
 _Yeah. We should have_ , the drummer thought knowing there was no going back now.  
  
  
  
\------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Reviews and kudos are also greatly appreciated.


	4. A heavy hand that pulls me down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another heavy chapter. With a glimpse of hope. The song is obviously Mike's, all copyrights to him. There is also reference in the last paragraph from another song, from another band, that was also made for deceased bandmate. Love the song.

\-------  
  
  
  
"Hey, what are you doing here in the darkness?" Dave frowned looking at the emcee.  
  
  
  
Mike had slept well cause of the pill. He hadn't even woken up when Rob left and Dave had came. It was still dark outside, the sun slowly rising. Something was bugging him. He couldn't quite put his finger on it.  
  
  
  
After getting a glass of water he had walked back to the bed wondering would he get any sleep but then frozen in front of a door. The studio. Somehow it was calling for him. He was scared, horribly scared but still he wanted to open the door.  
  
  
  
"I don't know. I kinda want to go in. But then... I'm scared. All the memories are there", he mumbled.  
  
  
  
"Mike. The memories are in your heart. Not there. Even if you try to avoid them you can't escape them", the bassist sighed gently squeezing his shoulder.  
  
  
  
"Yeah but...", the emcee objected drawing his eyebrows together.  
  
  
  
"You have to do it at some point. It's not like... you can't just stop doing everything cause it reminds you of him. Were going to listen our songs or what were you thinking?" Dave asked feeling shivers run through him. Even the thought caused a lump form in his throat.  
  
  
  
"Hell no. No, couldn't. Specially not after yesterday", Mike shook his head vigorously.  
  
  
  
"Okay. Well, what there is to lose? You can cry and scream all that you want if it hurts. But we can't stop living cause he stopped", the other sighed even when the words hurt himself too.  
  
  
  
Mike turned his gaze to Dave biting his lip. He hated it. That feeling that was like a knife turning on his heart and just opening the hole more and more.  
  
  
  
"Can you... Like... Maybe could you come with me? And if I want, then leave? I honestly have no idea how it will effect to me. Earlier I just wanted to run as far as possible. But something it's pulling me in now", he exhaled then heavily.  
  
  
  
"Of course! I'm always here for you, you know that", Dave tried a small smile on his face and nodded compassionately.  
  
  
  
Mike sighed and grabbed the door handle. He held his breath for a long time before he turned it. And nothing had changed. The room looked exactly like it had before. He stepped in and was closely followed by the bassist who waited him to break down.  
  
  
  
He could feel how the air got thicker but he pushed through and sat down in front of the table. Dave sat on the couch crossing his legs and then leaning to his elbows. Mike swiped his finger over the surface of the table catching the tiny amount of dust there was. Then he started the computer and slowly all electronic devices. He didn't know what he was doing. Going to do. But this all he did by heart.  
  
  
  
"God I miss him", he whispered. "I can't believe it. I still can't believe it."  
  
  
  
"Me too Mike. Me too", Dave smiled to him sadly.  
  
  
  
The emcee sighed and glanced briefly out from the window before he opened several programs on the computer. The sunshine didn't matter to him anymore. His heart was black as night now as Chester was gone and he believed he could never be that happy person anymore he once was. Once, just over a week ago. It felt like it had been ages without the singer. The sunshine. Chester was his sunshine. The light in his life that brightened the day and even the blackest night.  
  
  
  
He missed the conversations. Late at night when they weren't touring and he was dead tired but somehow too anxious to sleep. Anna and the kids were sleeping and he didn't want to wake up his wife. Then he called Chester. If his friend was sleeping he would answer the phone anyway and talk with him as long as was needed.  
  
  
  
Sometimes it was half an hour. Sometimes they talked until the sun started to rise. And then his anxiousness would have been gone and instead there would have been amazing serenity. Chester did that always. If he didn't make him smile he would take the situation seriously, and try to dig it open and tear it apart, until Mike saw it differently and could handle by himself.  
  
  
  
He played with the Maschine just like it was only a way to make the time tick away. And so it did. Time passed quickly and Dave sat there with him, waiting patiently. He didn't even know what he was exactly waiting, but he was. He was hungry and in desperate need of coffee but he didn't want to leave before the emcee would ask him to. Rather he just stayed there listening to all the random sounds.  
  
  
  
"Dave. Could you leave me alone for a while?" and there was the plea. The bassist was scared to leave Mike alone. But he also knew they could never go forward if he wouldn't try to trust him.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. I'll make some breakfast", he nodded and left then.  
  
  
  
In the kitchen he made the coffee as fast as he could and rummaged then through the fridge. There were really not much options, but he managed to do some sandwiches. Then he wondered should he get back to the studio already or would Mike want to be alone. Pouring the coffee he decided Mike might not need him now, but he would need to eat. It had been way over twelve hours for him without eating.  
  
  
  
"Hey. Here's some coffee and sandwiches. The fridge... I'll ask Joe run some groceries before he comes. Do you want me to stay or leave?" he asked when he reached the room again.  
  
  
  
Mike glanced at him his eyes bottomless pits of sadness and sighed, "I think I'll need to be alone."  
  
  
  
"That's okay. I'll be in the living room if you need anything", Dave said. He understood perfectly why Mike wanted to be alone, but there was still the fear squeezing his heart. Mike was barely talking. _What if he still wanted to hurt himself? To kill himself? The scare had been already too much._ But he respected Mike's wish and left him.  
  
  
  
In the living room he called Joe. "Hey. Could you go to get some groceries before you come? The fridge is almost empty."  
  
  
  
"Sure. How is he?" the deejay answered.  
  
  
  
Dave sighed and leaned back on the couch. "I think he is okay. When I woke up he was staring at the studio door. He wanted to go inside. I have no idea what is going inside his head cause just few days ago it seemed like the worst idea. He is doing something. Music. I left him alone when he asked but I can just barely hear it here."  
  
  
  
"You sure he... We didn't check the studio", Joe sounded worried. Terribly worried.  
  
  
  
"Of course I can't be sure but I don't think so. I was scared to leave him alone but he seems to be focusing to the music. I believe it is best if I just leave him be. I can hear it, and I'll go check him later", Dave answered. He wasn't sure. Not sure at all, but he needed to trust the emcee.  
  
  
  
"Okay. I'll be there in the evening. It's Brad's turn at the morning, right?" the deejay asked.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. I'm worried about him. He doesn't seem like himself. Well none of us are, but he is really distant. I just can't... what if he is next? You know. We all have our way of thinking that who are suicidal. But Mike wasn't. He had never been that type. And still we almost lost him. It was too fucking close", the other rubbed his neck feeling the tension weighing him down.  
  
  
  
"Me too, I agree. Have you got any suggestions?" Joe sighed.  
  
  
  
"No. If I would we wouldn't be in this situation", Dave mumbled knowing there wasn't. Not a single idea how to keep them all not breaking down more.  
  
  
  
After Chester left them it all fell apart. But after Mike almost died too it pushed them further away from each other. Not that they wouldn't support each other, but they were just lost. Like in a forest knowing the others were there too, hearing them but not being able to find them. If Mike was the glue then Chester was the compass.  
  
  
  
Dave opened the television and, keeping the volume intentionally low so that he would hear the emcee, he went to get more coffee. Then he relaxed in front of the stupid show that they were showing knowing that he wouldn't find anything better to watch. It was just something for him to keep his mind off of the singer and himself awake. Then he sent a quick message for Linsey making sure she knew he was fine.  
  
  
  
Hours passed and as Joe was soon to be there Dave decided he would check on Mike. Just to be sure. He could still hear the music faintly. When he got to the doorway Mike was still sitting in the same position, listening and the pressing pads and again listening.  
  
  
  
"Mike. Joe is soon here. Are you feeling okay?" he asked carefully.  
  
  
  
The emcee turned his head staring at him. Dave felt like the gaze just went through him. As Mike didn't even see him. But then the half Asian shook his head and the eyes came back to live.  
  
  
  
"Fine. Is there more coffee?" the words came out dry and dull.  
  
  
  
Dave nodded but couldn't help the frown. "I'll get some."  
  
  
  
"Didn't know what to buy but...", Joe startled Dave as he suddenly stumbled in while the other was pouring the coffee. The deejay was carrying several bags filled with food items.  
  
  
  
"Great! He is still there. Wanted more coffee so I'll take this to him and come then to help you", the bassist lifted the coffee cup and smiled.  
  
  
  
Mike was still in same position but now he thanked for the coffee and even nodded slightly.  
  
  
  
"Did you talk with Brad already?" he threw the question in the air when he got back.  
  
  
  
Joe sighed heavily and lifted the last items on the table. All of that could feed plenty of people but he wanted to buy all kinds of different stuff, so that they would have a choice if Mike wouldn't want to eat what they offered him first.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. He... really doesn't want to come. Like as we spoke", he shook then his head.  
  
  
  
"None of us really do. Not that we wouldn't support Mike or want to help, but seeing him broken like that isn't what we are used to. So... we don't even know how to behave around him. I wondered today that should I ask is he okay, or is that just plain stupid question cause it is so evident that he isn't. But if we don't, does he think we don't care? And what do you even answer to that? You know you're not fine and then people keep asking that. Wouldn't it be annoying?" the bassist answered starting to lift the items to the fridge.  
  
  
  
"He begged me... that he wouldn't have to come. I told him he has to, it isn't a choice. But I promised to ask Rob would he come earlier and then Brad could maybe give Mike the pill. He slept long now right?, Joe mumbled not really knowing where to now. _If Brad was reluctant, and obviously uncomfortable wouldn't it be wrong if they would force him?_  
  
  
  
"Shit... Well yeah, but... It's just for the night. Yesterday was... special day. Don't like to get those surprises more. And that brings us to the other subject. The wounds have to be cleaned tomorrow. So would you do it today so that Brad won't have to deal with it. I'm pretty sure it's not a good idea for him to see them, again", the bassist said opening now the freezer.  
  
  
  
"Sure. Have you... seen them?" Joe answered. More weird and scary stuff, but they just have to push it through.  
  
  
  
"No. Rob has been the one dealing with it. Oh, I made him sandwiches but he didn't eat them", Dave shook his head exhaling heavily.  
  
  
  
"Okay. Hate to see him like that", Joe muttered.  
  
  
  
Dave nodded glancing to the direction where the studio was, and was surprised to see Mike walking towards them.  
  
  
  
"You know I can hear you talking", the emcee said grabbing a glass to get some water.  
  
  
  
Joe shot a glance at Dave grimacing. Talking behind Mike's back, about him, wasn't what they usually did. But the circumstances forced them to it.  
  
  
  
"I'm sorry Mike, but you have to understand we can't talk about all in front of you", Dave said staring at the emcee who now drank the water.  
  
  
  
"I get it. And it still annoys me. I feel like I am outsider in my own house. In my own band. In my own life. Watching stuff happen and I don't even have a say in it", Mike answered his voice sad and stretched thin.  
  
  
  
"That's... yeah, we get it. Do you want to talk about it?" Joe closed the fridge.  
  
  
  
"No. I made a song. And that's enough for today. I can't imagine world without him and still I have to face it. Just a small reminder and I feel like someone is cutting my heart open. So no, I don't", Mike shook his head.  
  
  
  
"You made a song? About Chester?" Dave stared at him his mouth wide open.  
  
  
  
"About him. Yeah. It's so dark without him", the emcee whispered and left then.  
  
  
  
Dave and Joe stood there in silence before Dave pushed the thoughts away.  
  
  
  
"I have to get going", he sighed.  
  
  
  
"Yeah, I'll make some food and try to persuade him to eat and then change the bandages. Will you call Brad? I think he needs more reassuring", the deejay told and got a nod back.  
  
  
  
"The wound care stuff are in the main bathroom below the sink", Dave said.  
  
  
  
They exchanged few non-relevant words and the bassist left Joe alone with Mike. Joe started to make the food liking that he had some activity to direct his thoughts.  
  
  
  
When he was finished he went to get the emcee. He was soon startled when he heard Mike singing. The voice hurt like thousand needles and he knew how bad it must be for the emcee.  
  
  
  
 _Is there sunshine where you are_  
 _The way there was when you were here_  
  
  
  
"Sorry to bother you... There's food. And we need to change the bandages", Joe interrupted. Not cause he didn't want to hear it, but cause he couldn't take it. He was on the verge of tears and needed all of his willpower to keep them in.  
  
  
  
"I'm not hungry", Mike muttered not turning to face him.  
  
  
  
"I know. You still have to eat. Let's handle the wounds first okay?" the deejay insisted wondering would he really have to force Mike to eat.  
  
  
  
Mike got up reluctantly and followed him to the bathroom. He could see why. The wound care, eating, all that. The reason was still there, but he just didn't want to. There was no point in anything. Not anymore, and never would be. He sat down on the closed toilet seat and watched Joe dig up the wound care stuff.  
  
  
  
Then the deejay peeled carefully the bandages off and after staring at them for a while he started to clean them. They hadn't really talked about what happened. Brad hadn't told a lot, and they didn't pry.  
  
  
  
And Mike wanted to disappear. Now he couldn't think anything more humiliating than his bandmate cleaning up his wounds that should have supposed to kill him.  
  
  
  
"Can I ask? Brad said only that there was blood. A lot of blood. But... How?" the deejay asked pouring more disinfectant to a cotton ball.  
  
  
  
The half Asian bit his lip. "I slipped in the shower and smashed a vodka bottle. Then... It was like this weird power commanding me. Wasn't planning on it if you ask that."  
  
  
  
"So... It was just a whim?" Joe said now opening a package for an adhesive dressing. He had no idea what that kind of wounds were supposed to look, but the stitches were intact and they didn't look too red.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. Just... Wanted the pain to go away. Still do", Mike answered the words getting stuck to his throat.  
  
  
  
"Right... You have to think about us too. And what about Anna and the kids? Fans? You can't leave us", Joe placed the other dressing on its place making sure the adhesive stuck well.  
  
  
  
"So you say. Did he do that too? Think about us? Tal and the kids? Or the fans?" Mike laughed but there wasn't a drop of humor in that.  
  
  
  
"Mike...", Joe started sadly crumbling the empty packages and old bandages on his hand before tossing them to the trash can.  
  
  
  
The emcee shook his head. "No, just... just save it. I get what you mean. It just isn't so simple. I don't want to die. But I don't want to live in this pain, without him, either."  
  
  
  
Joe didn't even know what to answer to that. Cause it hurt. It hurt so fucking much but still he thought that it hurt Mike even more cause they were so close with Chester. Had been. He couldn't get used to using past tense.  
  
  
  
"Food now. Please?" he asked the as Mike stood up and was about to leave.  
  
  
  
"Fine", the emcee groaned. He knew there was no way out of it so he might as well eat.  
  
  
  
"Brad is coming tomorrow... at some point in the morning", Joe said as he made the portion for the emcee hoping it wasn't too bad.  
  
  
  
"He is a mess", Mike glanced at the deejay shaking his head. Brad had was right there on the edge. He knew it. Just one push and he would be in the same situation as he was.  
  
  
  
"I know. So are you though", the deejay felt a smile tug his lips.  
  
  
  
"I know", the half Asian sighed and grabbed the plate.  
  
  
  
A mess. An understatement really. Cause every day was as black as night, and there was no stars left in the sky. And it was real. Chester was gone. _What if I never except it?_ , Mike thought staring out from the window.  
  
  
  
\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and reviews are also greatly appreciated.


	5. And wait for dawn but there's no light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you. Another sad chapter, I know. But there is some light at the end of the tunnel. There always is.

\--------  
  
  
  
"Hey. How did you sleep?" Brad woke him up by pulling the curtains aside, making the room full with light.  
  
  
  
Oh the irony. Sun was shining and it looked really pretty outside. His mind was still dark and it was almost like he was seeing in black and white.  
  
  
  
"Didn't see any dreams. When did you get here?" Mike yawned slightly annoyed that Brad didn't let him sleep longer. The kids home he would have been up hours ago but now, he didn't even care.  
  
  
  
"Just about an hour ago", Brad nodded scrutinizing his face. "I heard you made a song."  
  
  
  
"I did. Don't know really what it is but... yeah", the half Asian said pushing himself up from the bed.  
  
  
  
"I hope you play it to me at some point. For all of us. Uhm... There's some breakfast. I don't really know what could make you eat but I did some fruit salad and pancakes", Brad nodded waiting for Mike to follow him.  
  
  
  
Brad had a task for today, and it was way harder than just making sure Mike ate something. He was already reluctant to do it.  
  
  
  
Mike let out a long sigh. Thinking about eating was exhausting and he wanted to fall back to the bed. He would way rather just continue sleeping, especially now when he didn't have any dreams and it was so calm.  
  
  
  
"Mike....", Brad sighed too, looking at him sadly.  
  
  
  
The emcee groaned and pulled a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt on. "Fine."  
  
  
  
He followed the guitarist in silence and sat down in front of the meal. It looked delicious, and his stomach grumbled. But his mind was telling him there was no use in eating. Not listening to it, he grabbed the fork and started to push the stuff in his mouth not even really tasting it.  
  
  
  
"You look horrible", he said after he had finished, picking up now the coffee.  
  
  
  
"Thanks. So do you", Brad felt a smile tug his lip.  
  
  
  
That what they really were. Hair unkempt, Mike in desperate need of shave. Mike hadn't even seen any other pants than sweatpants in a week. Brad's had several holes in his shirt, but at least it wasn't inside out like Mike's.  
  
  
  
"That's what happens when your friend kills himself", Mike mumbled.  
  
  
  
"So it does. Why did you try it?" the guitarist asked, like he was asking would Mike want more food, or something else equally casual.  
  
  
  
The half Asian shrugged, knowing he would probably have to explain it again soon. "Joe said it was a whim."  
  
  
  
"Joe?" Brad frowned not following what Mike meant with that.  
  
  
  
Mike nodded picking up the coffee mug and leaving the kitchen. "We talked about it yesterday when he cleaned up the wounds. I said I didn't really think about it further, and he said it was a whim then."  
  
  
  
"So you didn't think about what it would make us feel?" Brad said following him, his voice getting stretched. Mike could see how mad he was.  
  
  
  
"Not at that moment. I just wanted to end... to kill all my emotions. Forget. Forget all about him", the half Asian muttered sitting on the couch.  
  
  
  
"And drive us insane. What you think would have happened if I wouldn't have been on time? I would have to bury then two of my best friends. I couldn't have handled that. It's already a nightmare and then you throw us a curveball", the guitarist said his features softening slightly.  
  
  
  
Mike didn't even answer. He knew all of this already. It made him feel like he was a coward. Cause killing himself was an easy solution. But then it made him think about Chester again which hurt even more. _Cause didn't that make Chester a coward too?_ , he thought.  
  
  
  
"And forget about him... There are so many good memories still. I don't want to forget them, and I believe neither do you", Brad sighed still standing in front of him.  
  
  
  
"Yeah, but the good memories make me think about him. And then I get back to the spot thinking why. And why couldn't we help him. Why wasn't this all enough? You know, what we have?" Mike sighed the pain visible on his face.  
  
  
  
"I know. And that's also why I hate we decided to do this the way we did. Cause giving you some time to prepare would have been even worse. The funeral is today", Brad said, bracing himself.  
  
  
  
There wasn't any other solution to it really. He knew exactly how Mike would have reacted and getting that days ago, giving him time to maybe even try to run away wasn't a possibility.  
  
  
  
Mike stared at him blinking his eyes and trying to digest the words. Then all the color on his face drained and he jumped up splashing the coffee all over himself.  
  
  
  
"What!?" he screamed his voice cracking. "I don't... I... I'm not going."  
  
  
  
"Yes you are. It isn't a choice", Brad said crossing his arms on his chest.  
  
  
  
The emcee stared at him again thinking what should he do. What could he do to avoid it. He knew he hadn't a choice. But he could always try. He bolted, running upstairs and slamming the door behind himself. Crawling under the blanket he let the tears fall. He wasn't ready. Barely used to the idea that Chester wasn't there anymore. Saying goodbye wasn't going to happen. He refused to do it. It wasn't just possible. _Nope, no, nu-uh, ain't gonna happen,_ he thought.  
  
  
  
"Mike...", Brad started but was shut down with a cry.  
  
  
  
"No! No no no no no. No fucking way I will be doing it."  
  
  
  
"I know you don't want to, but it has to be done", the guitarist exhaled. He knew it was hard for Mike. But he was also annoyed that Mike get to do this, but he didn't. And he was the one that had to know pick up the pieces.  
  
  
  
"I'm not ready Brad!"  
  
  
  
"Do you think I am?! Huh? We? Anna doesn't even get to be to the funeral cause she thought it is better to keep the kids away from you. Jason is coming, he didn't want it either. I have talked with Samantha cause neither you or Tal want to do it. She isn't fun to talk with, you remember that. Do think even a second that how we feel?" Brad yelled his face getting red.  
  
  
  
"So get your ass up from the bed and get dressed or I'll make you. That you do not want", he continued trying to contain himself.  
  
  
  
He had never seen Mike in this state. People have died before. They have been to funerals before. But Chester was one of a kind and getting over it wasn't a thing you did in just over a week. The thing was that Brad couldn't take it. He needed all of his willpower that he didn't drag Mike from his hair out of the bed. Every single objection reminded him how hard it was for himself to accept that Chester wasn't there anymore.  
  
  
  
Now, they had time, cause Dave had been smart to think ahead. He had been the one to plan how they would handle it. They all agreed. Telling Mike the date of the funeral beforehand wasn't even an option. That they all agreed as well. They didn't even talk about it face to face or over phone, just few text messages to make sure all understood that Mike had to be kept in the dark. Which was ironic, again. Cause there he was, happily.  
  
  
  
Mike knew he had to go. He knew Brad wasn't playing and he would force him. He just didn't know how he could. Leaving there didn't sound too hard, but actually attending, staying through what ever was planned, was totally another thing. People would stare at him eyes filled with compassion and worry. Grabbing his hands and trying to make sure he was okay. Which he wasn't. That meant he had to lie. Pretend that he was sad but nothing more had happened. That he was only sad like normal people. That he didn't try to kill himself cause he couldn't face another day without Chester.  
  
  
  
"Mike please. We have still some time, but soon we don't. Your suit is ready, Joe had handled it. You don't need to do anything else than get dressed. And comb your hair", Brad tried a gentler approach.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. And meet all the people. How many will there be?"  
  
  
  
"I don't know. Tal handled it all. Few hundred or so", Brad mumbled shrugging.  
  
  
  
"All staring at me and asking how I am", the half Asian pointed out and got up reluctantly.  
  
  
  
Wiping his face from the salty tears he glanced at the guitarist. "I need sunglasses too."  
  
  
  
Brad tried to draw a smile on his lips and nodded, "I'll find them. Clean yourself up in the meantime."  
  
  
  
Mike rolled his eyes and walked to the bathroom to brush his teeth. A wave of anxiousness was slowly trying to drown him. It would be difficult, maybe even impossible, to keep himself in one piece. Or rather not crumbling down more in front of the others. He stared at himself in the mirror seeing nothing but bottomless sadness and an empty shell. After quick rinse and spitting the foam to the sink he combed his hair and left the bathroom.  
  
  
  
Brad had already found a pair of sunglasses and taken the suit from the closet.  
  
  
  
"There. Are you ready then?"  
  
  
  
"Never will be", the emcee mumbled and started to undress so he could get the suit on.  
  
  
  
Brad sighed and left to pick up his own that he had brought with him. Reminding of another funeral just two months ago. Same suit, different place, different people. Some of the same feelings but mostly new ones. _Why are our friends dying?_  
  
  
  
When he get back Mike was already done, gripping to the sunglasses and pointing at his feet.  
  
  
  
"Shoes. I think I need shoes."  
  
  
  
Brad went to find them too, he had already seen them. Then he dressed himself up.  
  
  
  
"So. Let's go. It's over soon. You know that right", he nodded an urged the emcee out of the room.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. Like our lives", Mike said gloomily walking downstairs.  
  
  
  
Brad sighed and was about to object but Mike shook his head.  
  
  
  
"I don't care what you say. It will never be the same."  
  
  
  
They walked outside where the car was already waiting them.  
  
  
  
"Didn't know you would be this early here", Brad frowned when they got inside.  
  
  
  
"Just trying to take into consideration all possible... setbacks. Besides we might want to take our seats before... well you know. Walking past the crowd with him isn't ideal", Rob raised his eyebrow and glanced at Mike who looked like he was forced. Which he obviously was.  
  
  
  
They drove in silence, Rob keeping the car radio off on purpose. It wasn't a long drive but of course there was traffic, like always. Mike stared out of the window thinking about other things than the fact that they were about to bury his friend. Which wasn't an easy task since it all lead back to Chester. It always did. And always would. At some point Brad wrapped a yellow wristband around his wrist, that had Chester's name written with black gothic style font. He frowned but Brad shook his head, like telling him not to start the questions now.  
  
  
  
When they get there, there were so many people dressed in black that Mike was almost amused cause of that. They would look like ants from far above. Biting his lip he got out from the car and followed Brad and Rob closely. Dave and Joe were already there, with the wives, talking with Talinda. She looked relatively good and Mike wondered how much of it was act and how much of it was makeup.  
  
  
  
"Hey. Glad you came", she said her voice soft and laced with sadness.  
  
  
  
Then the hug came and Mike knew he wouldn't make it through the day. When Dave saw him tensing up he suggested that they would go to sit down, which Talinda didn't mind. She had to greet everyone which was equally hard task than Mike trying to make himself invisible. Their seats weren't in front, which they all were glad. Jason joined them soon too but Mike just nodded at him. There wouldn't be anything for them to speak. Not now, when he would just burst to tears.  
  
  
  
The ceremony started when Mike was just about to ask how long would they have to wait. He was glad he had thought about the sunglasses. First he tried to concentrate to the ceremony, but then he just couldn't. It was like he was inside a heavy fog that wrapped around him, blurring his vision and muffling the noises. Same time it all seemed to go fast forward and then in slow motion and he didn't know which was real and which wasn't. He closed his eyes and let the tears fall again. Clenching his fists closed he tried to concentrate now to the pain that was cause by the nails that dug onto his palms.  
  
  
  
Brad was trying to focus and handle his own thoughts but at some point he couldn't ignore Mike's tensed posture and hitched breathing. When he glanced at him he noticed the blood that was trickling from his palms.  
  
  
  
"Mike. Stop it", he mumbled and grabbed the other arm.  
  
  
  
Dave noticed what was happening and picked up the other arm. They exchanged looks with the guitarist both confused what they should do now. Mike didn't move, or say anything. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks while Brad wrapped a bandanna around the hand, giving Dave another one from Mike's pocket. The remaining time of the ceremony they let Mike squeeze their hands, tainting them with blood. Brad couldn't be happier that his sleeves were so long when he saw the blood getting on his white shirt cuffs.  
  
  
  
When the ceremony was over and people started to leave Mike jumped up. "I need to get out."  
  
  
  
"We are going. Hang on. If we run away people will come and ask why", Rob explained pushing him gently forward.  
  
  
  
They walked across the rows of chairs and Mike felt the eyes burning his skin. Everyone was looking at him. Staring and wondering why didn't he do anything. _Blame it on me, as I do myself,_ he thought. Some gave their condolences, some nodded, some patted his shoulder. He didn't care. The panic was arising and he could feel he was about to lose it.  
  
  
  
It was so long walk to the car. Every step they took, and every piece of attention given him was just making it more harder. When Rob heard the sad whimper that left his mouth he squeezed his shoulders.  
  
  
  
"Just little bit more", the encouraging whisper gave him just enough fuel to keep himself together and finish the walk to the car.  
  
  
  
When they get inside he froze. His palms hurt and he couldn't comprehend why. Brad was staring at him, eyes worried. Rob didn't start the car before Brad had nodded. When they finally got away from the traffic madness and to the bigger roads he burst into a ear-piercing scream. The guitarist pulled him into his arms knowing he didn't have any means to stop it. Mike cling to him yelling and shaking violently, feeling the pain cut through him. They could separate only one heartbreaking word-  
  
  
  
 _Why?_  
  
  
  
  
\------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Kudos and reviews are also greatly appreciated. And if you feel like you need to talk with me drop a comment with your email address, I'll get back to you. The comment section is moderated so I'll see all comments before they are published (and then will delete if you would like it)


	6. When the black spilled out across it all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. Another heavy chapter and a trigger warning. And, Mike might think here that he doesn't have hope but we do he has :)

\------  
  
  
  
Another day. Mike thought he was even more miserable now. Chester was gone, he had been gone over a week. But the funeral had been really the nail in the coffin. The metaphor made Mike grin gloomily.  
  
  
  
Talinda had called him early in the morning asking how he was. That made him laugh too. Cause he was fine. Just fine, but everybody else were saying he wasn't. _Shouldn't I know myself?_  
  
  
  
"Can I get more coffee?" he asked swallowing the last drops of the black liquid. Maybe it was a substitute. It reminded of the singer, but unlike the first days Mike needed it. He needed the reminder that he was really gone. It hurt but he needed the pain.  
  
  
  
"Mike. That's your third cup. It's only three PM. You have been awake like four hours or so", Rob arched his eyebrow sighing heavily.  
  
  
  
"I don't give a shit. So don't you do it either", the emcee deadpanned, his voice matching his face.  
  
  
  
"Fine. I'll make some", the other answered staring as Mike turned on his heels and walked towards the living room.  
  
  
  
Once he got the coffee done, he brought the cup for Mike who sat motionless on the huge couch and headed then upstairs. There, he searched until he found what he needed.  
  
  
  
"Here. I want you to paint", he spread a white fabric to protect the floor and then placed various colors of paint tubes and a jar of brushes and palette knives and all that. And a huge sheet of paper.  
  
  
  
"Why?"  
  
  
  
"Cause that's what you do when you need to clear your head. Fill the paper, like the thoughts fill your head", Rob said forcing Mike to grab the brush he was holding.  
  
  
  
The man was right. But still Mike had no idea how he could do that.  
  
  
  
"Go on. I'm not going to stare you do it. I'll prepare the dinner and watch then some TV. There's also more coffee but please drink also some water too, okay? I'll bring it if you want, just yell", the drummer tried to reassure Mike.  
  
  
  
It was just an idea. He knew how much Mike loved art but as the emcee hadn't even looked at the supply in such a long time he had no clue would it work. But only thing he had was to try.  
  
  
  
Mike stared at the white paper and sat down on the floor, bringing his coffee cup with. It was so white. So _blank_. The exact opposite to his mind which was pitch black and filled with unpleasant thoughts. Sighing heavily he opened a tube of black paint.  
  
  
  
Rob looked at him for a while before he left the room. He was still worried to leave Mike alone, even when they had hidden all the sharp objects well. Even now, he made sure Mike didn't see where he dug up the knife he needed to cut up the veggies.  
  
  
  
After the funeral Mike had barely spoken. He had remained calm and passive, only staring at walls, ceilings or out from the window. Only good thing was that he ate. He never looked like he enjoyed what was offered, but at least he ate some when he was asked to. Though Rob felt like he was forcing him to that. He took time with the food, making sure there was enough cut up veggies for the next day too, to make Dave's task easier.  
  
  
  
Mike had filled the white with black. There were some white spots left but he didn't want to leave them white. If he would leave them white they would just remind that the was light at the end of the tunnel. Hope. Which he didn't want. Cause there certainly was no hope left. But only black didn't suit either. So, he grabbed a red tube instead. A red that looked so pretty against the black. At least usually. He wasn't sure was there anything pretty here now. But, brushing the red against the white he managed to hide the spots of hope.  
  
  
  
Only thing was that it was a wrong color. Too rosy, too light. He sighed and raked his hair. But then his eyes caught to the scissors on the jar and he knew exactly how to correct that. Taking them to his right hand he ripped the wound dressing from his left arm. Then he let the tip of the scissor slide under a stitch cutting it. Quickly moving to the next and then again further he cut them all open, before pulling them out, off of the skin. But there was no blood. Not a single drop. Only dried up scabs.  
  
  
  
Frowning he huffed and opening the scissors again he pressed the tip of the sharper blade in the almost healed wound. Pushing hard he was able to get it open again. He ignored the sharp pain that make the tiny hairs in the back of his neck prickle, and draw the blade down stopping where the wound originally also did. Thin trail of blood started to run down his arm and drip onto the paper. Just the perfect color that he needed. Smiling he smeared it down to the white batches and over the previous red ones trying to correct the shade. Using finger didn't work though, making only a mess, so he got back using the brush.  
  
  
  
But even when the shade was now perfect the painting otherwise wasn't. He would have to start over again. Like everything else. His whole life, career, everything. Every _fucking_ thing. Letting out an angry, desperate scream he threw the jar across the room letting his head fall to his hand.  
  
  
  
"Mike what...", Rob came running to the room, stopping on his tracks then.  
  
  
  
First he couldn't understand at all what was wrong. What was wrong to him, cause it wasn't wrong to Mike. Only thing he saw was some spilled paint, dark, gloomy painting with spots of red and paint brushes sprawled on the floor. And Mike gripping his hair and wailing incoherently. But then he noticed the blood that tainted the tanned skin and the scissors that laid on the white fabric over crimson dots.  
  
  
  
"What the hell!" he gasped the fear making his heart race.  
  
  
  
With few leaps he was beside the half Asian grabbing the arm afraid that Mike would bleed to death. Like he had almost did, just days ago. Ignoring the screaming and the fist that was banging his chest he checked the wound quickly sighing with relieve when he was certain it wasn't that bad. That Mike wasn't going to die now.  
  
  
  
"Mike why....", he whispered the words getting stuck in his throat.  
  
  
  
And now he was blaming himself. If he wouldn't have suggested the painting Mike wouldn't have had the scissors. If he wouldn't have gone to prepare the dinner Mike wouldn't have had the chance. Or if he wouldn't have been there for Chester Mike wouldn't have had the reason. Quickly he got his phone from his pocket and send a group text for the others, asking them to come as quick as possible, still holding Mike's wrist the blood trickling over his fingers.  
  
  
  
"I couldn't... The red was wrong. But I couldn't leave the white. White is for hope. There's no... hope left. But it's still wrong. It isn't perfect. Why it isn't perfect?! It's supposed to be!" the emcee screamed still trying to wriggle free.  
  
  
  
Mike was mad. He was angry at himself. And Chester. Really angry at Chester.  
  
  
  
Rob had a hard time holding him as the blood trickling from the wound made his hand slick on the wrist but he wasn't going to give up.  
  
  
  
"Stop it. It doesn't have to be perfect! It's you! You are not perfect! Not even if you want to be!" Rob groaned tangling his legs over Mike's and trying to keep him still.  
  
  
  
"But...", Mike gasped almost choking on the word.  
  
  
  
The emcee was struggling hard and Rob was glad it was him and not Brad there. Brad wouldn't have had any chance to hold Mike still. The arm was still bleeding, making him worried. But he knew he couldn't go and search something to stop the bleeding when Mike was like this. The was no guarantee that Mike wouldn't actually run away or try something else. So instead he had to stay put and wait for the others.  
  
  
  
Mike's fighting and yelling slowly died down, only the trembling and whimpering remaining. His chest was heaving and the eyes seemed to search for something but not being able to find it, filled with confusion and pain.  
  
  
  
"Why? Why did he leave me alone?" he breathed.  
  
  
  
"Mike you're not alone. You know that. But that's what you are doing. You're isolating yourself. Burying yourself in the darkness. I can see why, but it won't help. Not you, not us", Rob said hearing the strain in his own voice.  
  
  
  
The half Asian didn't answer. He just sat there getting lost inside his head, again. Drowning to the sadness and fear cause there was nothing else left than those, and doubt with pain.  
  
  
  
Rob didn't even know how long they had sat there cause he was afraid that if he would move Mike would start fighting again. He was still holding the wrist ignoring the blood that had formed spots on his jeans, staring the wound like he was trying to force the bleeding to stop with his look.  
  
  
  
The emcee had slumped against him breathing heavily against his chest, and Rob didn't know was he fallen asleep or not, but he was relieved when the door finally opened and Dave came stumbling in. Joe and Brad followed soon behind.  
  
  
  
"What the fuck happened?!" Joe asked when he saw the blood.  
  
  
  
"I have no idea. I was preparing the food and then I heard him screaming. And then I saw this", the drummer mumbled.  
  
  
  
"Seriously Rob! You can't keep him alive for even a day!" Joe continued looking angry and sad at the same time.  
  
  
  
"Fuck you Joe!" Rob yelled but Dave waved his hand in the air trying to stop the arguing there.  
  
  
  
"Shut up Joe. That doesn't help anything. Go and fetch the wound cleaning stuff", he sighed drawing his lips to a tight line.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile Brad had surprised them all by finding a towel for the bleeding. He crouched next to the two on the floor helping Rob to press the towel over the wound.  
  
  
  
"Are you okay?" he asked sensing how upset the drummer was.  
  
  
  
Rob shook his head. "I don't know. I can't do anything else than blame myself. I thought I was doing something right for trying to make him paint but then... why didn't I see the scissors? They were in plain sight!"  
  
  
  
"Don't. That will only leave to another situation like this. Let's lift him on the couch and you can then go and finish the dinner. I'll stay with you tonight", Brad reassured him, trying to draw a smile on his lips.  
  
  
  
He grabbed Mike's legs as Rob lift him under arms and soon Mike was on the couch still completely passive. Brad felt so sorry for Rob. Even when the night when he had found Mike had been way worse in many ways, he knew the shock was just as hard for Rob now.  
  
  
  
Joe joined them as Rob went back to the kitchen, looking still mad and sullen.  
  
  
  
"Is there any wound tape? Like... you can use it instead of stitches if the wound isn't too deep", Dave grabbed the bag and started to search finding it quickly. "This. I can do it. Brad you don't need to see if..."  
  
  
  
"I'm fine. Just worried about Rob", the guitarist mumbled glancing towards the kitchen.  
  
  
  
"Fucking hell", Joe groaned receiving a pissed glare from Dave.  
  
  
  
"Honestly Joe of you don't shut your mouth now I will kick your ass. I get why you are mad but go and really look Rob in his eyes and tell it's his fault. You can't do it. It could have happened to you too you know?" Dave told him his voice low and tense.  
  
  
  
The deejay sat down doing exactly that, remaining quiet.  
  
  
  
"Mike, do you hear me? We are not giving up on you. Not now, not ever. Okay?" Brad crouched in front of the emcee trying to get an eye contact.  
  
  
  
The emcee could hear the words but it was still like talking to a wall. Cause it didn't matter what they said, it didn't make any difference. They didn't mean a thing. The words just vanished in the thin air.  
  
  
  
Inside, in his mind, other words were bouncing around. There in the darkness, creating cacophony. One thought at a time annoying him, then changing to another over and over again. Quicker pace and slower pace. Eating him up. Still eating him up when he thought he had been done. _How much more left of me still?_  
  
  
  
Dave wiped the blood off with the disinfectant checking the wound carefully. Mike's facial expressions didn't change even once. Not even when the disinfectant got inside the torn flesh, which must have hurt like hell. Then he got to the tape. Tearing small pieces he tried to pull the wound edges together, as neatly as possible. The soft skin stretched easily but he knew the tape was also easy to tear away. Then another piece of tape placed close to the second. When he was done, he placed a new self-adhesive dressing making sure it stuck to the skin. The nail-marks from the funeral weren't covered. They thought it wouldn't be a good idea when they were in the palms and so superficial.  
  
  
  
Rob came to into the doorway staring at them. "I... well the food is done."  
  
  
  
"Just rest okay? We'll clean the floor and feed Mike then", Dave gestured towards the couch glancing at the blood smears on the floor.  
  
  
  
The drummer hung his head low and joined them there, sitting few feet away from Mike. Brad got up, helping Dave with the cleaning, even when Dave tried to say him that he could manage alone. It took only a good cleaning product and wiping to get the blood of the floor and soon they were done. Collecting all the art supply and hiding now the scissors too Brad sighed.  
  
  
  
Dave stopped to stand and stare at his friends. Joe had calmed down, his face serious but not angry anymore. Rob was staring at Mike on the verge of tears, swallowing and trying to ignore the feeling. Brad was staring at Rob, looking still really worried. And Mike. He had pulled himself to a tight ball, squeezing his legs to his chest, his gaze locked in front of him.  
  
  
  
"Okay. Well. This can happen. Now we just push through this, too. Right? I'm not giving up, I hope you guys won't either", he said. How ever sad and desperate the situation was, he was going to do all he could to make Mike whole again.  
  
  
  
"Sorry man. I didn't mean it. I know it wasn't your fault", Joe patted Rob's shoulder receiving a accepting nod.  
  
  
  
"Thanks Joe", Dave gave him a little smile before turning his gaze back to Mike. "So Brad you'll stay? I can come early if you need to."  
  
  
  
"We'll manage", Brad nodded. He was little reluctant to stay, but even thinking of leaving Rob alone with Mike now was squeezing his heart.  
  
  
  
"Call if you need something. I'm at home anyway. See you tomorrow then.. And Rob. It wasn't your fault", Dave said looking at the drummer who hadn't said a thing in a long while as he gestured they would leave with Joe.  
  
  
  
"So. Nice calm Sunday", Brad sighed sarcastically when they were left alone, just the three of them.  
  
  
  
Rob glanced at him and then the emcee that was still just staring in front of him silently. Then he shifted closer and wrapped his arm around Mike's shoulders pulling him against himself. The half Asian yielded with a miserable whine but finally turned his gaze away from the spot he had stared the whole time. Just to close his eyes.  
  
  
  
"I'm so sorry Mike. But I won't let it happen again", Rob whispered causing Brad to bit down to his lip.  
  
  
  
They were all hurt, but seeing his best friends like that was just so overwhelming. Mike was hurt cause Chester was dead. And Rob was hurt cause Chester was dead and Mike was hurt. And he thought he had been the biggest mess, together with Mike, but looking now at Rob made him realize it wasn't that simple. It never was.  
  
  
  
"I can't even cry anymore", Mike gasped.  
  
  
  
\--------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Kudos and reviews are also greatly appreciated.


	7. And when the lights go down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. Always when we get new interviews or more songs I got plot bunnies. Love you all <3

\------  
  
  
  
More days had passed. More silence, more pain. Mike was starting to become numb. He didn't care about anything or anyone. He wasn't talking and barely eating. Just curling up to a ball and staring in front of him.  
  
  
  
Brad was more worried than ever. It was hard. Not only cause Mike was like this but he wasn't able to deal with his own grief at all now. Only talking with the others, which he could honestly say helped a little. And he wished Mike would talk too. Cause he knew how much pain he felt inside. Their shared pain. They all felt it, just different way.  
  
  
  
After the painting incident, as Joe referred it to, they had stayed in watch as pairs. Mike wasn't alone even a minute. Rob thought it was actually even better this way. They had company and could talk while Mike remained silent. Brad was also wondering how long it would take for Mike to get back to himself. He knew it wouldn't be instant. But the silence and non-eating were killing him. Answering to questions reluctantly, his voice monotone. Brad was scared.  
  
  
  
So today Joe had just left and he was with Rob again. Tomorrow he would leave and Dave would join Rob. Mike was sitting on the couch in living room. Staring at the television screen but not watching the show that played.  
  
  
  
"You okay?" Rob asked glancing at Brad who was staring at the emcee, like he was waiting for Mike to do something. Really just anything. Move, sigh, scream. Something.  
  
  
  
"No. Not really. I'm still scared. That we will lose him. Either literally or.. well otherwise literally. That he doesn't get back to normal", Brad mumbled.  
  
  
  
Rob glanced at Mike that looked like a shadow of himself. Not particularly sick, just shriveled. There was plate of ragù on the coffee table. Mike had eaten maybe few forkfuls and then pushed the plate aside looking miserable, like the pieces of meat were fighting to get back up from his stomach.  
  
  
  
"I know. Any ideas?" he sighed sitting next to the emcee.  
  
  
  
Brad shook his head. "No. We can't force him to talk. That's the problem. We can talk, but if he doesn't even listen... There's nothing else we can do but to wait."  
  
  
  
Rob reached his hand over the emcee's shoulders, and carefully started to pull him towards himself. With a sigh Mike gave up and let Rob pull him to a hug.  
  
  
  
"Mike you have to talk with us. You know we are in same boat as you are. I still can't believe it. Dave said he had been crying the whole day yesterday. Joe said that he is trying to avoid social media cause everything reminds him of Chester", Rob said.  
  
  
  
Brad stared at them biting his lip. He missed Chester so horribly much, but Mike being like this hurt in a way even more. He was still here, hurting. But would he be still tomorrow?  
  
  
  
"I can't. I don't know even where to begin. No matter what I do I think there's a wall staring right back at me. You know, light at the end of the tunnel. There isn't. It's just a wall. And then I need to turn back and after a while I meet another wall", the emcee muttered.  
  
  
  
"Like a loop where you just can't get out", Brad breathed turning his gaze away.  
  
  
  
"I think... I want to go out. I'm scared and I don't know why but I just need it", Mike said still cradled in Rob's arms.  
  
  
  
"Okay. If that's what you want then we will go. Where?" Rob said staring at Brad who looked shocked.  
  
  
  
"I don't really care. Maybe that one small place where they have the amazing Mexican food? I don't know am I able to eat but... This is so stupid", the half Asian grumbled almost whispering.  
  
  
  
"It's not stupid Mike. Do you want to leave now or later?" Brad shook his head drawing a slight smile on his lips.  
  
  
  
"Now please. Get over with it", the other said.  
  
  
  
Rob let the emcee get to his feed while watching closely. Mike looked a little bit lost, like he forgot what he was supposed to be doing. Brad jumped up and helped Mike to the hallway and his shoes on. Rob followed them out grabbing the car keys with him.  
  
  
  
He was more than anxious. Somehow breathing was suddenly really hard and his heart was beating out from his chest. Same thing happening again wasn't likely, but he was still afraid it would. Knowing Mike might not take another similar situation this soon was a horrible feeling. But maybe they didn't play music at the Mexican place?  
  
  
  
They got inside the car and Rob started to drive while biting his lip. The place Mike wanted visit wasn't far away, and even the traffic was decent, but the drive felt like it took ages. Mike stared out from the window the whole time wondering why did he need suddenly to go out so badly. Last time they went didn't go well, but maybe if it would happen now again he would be more prepared. Maybe. But he knew he needed to get out. He didn't want it but he needed it.  
  
  
  
_This is so fucking stupid. I can't avoid his voice the rest of my life. But yet still, I want to,_ he thought as they parked in a parking lot.  
  
  
  
The place had some customers in, but it wasn't full. Mike asked Brad to order his usual while he and Rob went to say down. Rob stared Mike the whole time, waiting for some signs that would warn him about what would happen next. It was so hard to read a person that wasn't talking unprompted and was mostly just staring in the space.  
  
  
  
When the food arrived Mike turned his gaze to the plate. He felt weird. It smelled as good as he remembered and looked. But the idea of actually putting it into his mouth made his stomach turn. After heavy sigh he grabbed the fork anyway.  
  
  
  
Brad glanced at Rob raising his eyebrow when the emcee started to eat. Fork by fork Mike forced the food down and stopped when there was only a quarter left dropping the fork down and leaning back on his chair.  
  
  
  
"How was it?" Brad asked.  
  
  
  
Mike tilted his head thinking how would he put it in words. Why was it so hard to put everything in words suddenly?  
  
  
  
"Good. But... it's not the same. You know, nothing is the same now when he is gone", he mumbled knowing that wasn't all he wanted to say. Somehow the words just got lost between his mind and mouth.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. But... it's good that you ate. It wasn't that bad after all, right?" Brad tried a small smile on his lips.  
  
  
  
Mike nodded in return. He had missed this place so it was really good they came. Even though he couldn't enjoy the food like he used to.  
  
  
  
"Maybe some day", Rob said like he was reading his mind.  
  
  
  
They got up and after thanking the waiter headed outside. Brad walked fast back to the car while Rob took the time with Mike who was working like in slow motion. But before they even realized two paparazzi were on their way. Mike gasped feeling the blood drain from his face. They were talking, asking question. Taking pictures and trying to block their way.  
  
  
  
The panic was arising and he knew he had to get out from there, now. Like at the funeral, he wasn't expecting all the emotions rush over him like this. Cause of the people invading his personal space. Nothing was personal anymore.  
  
  
  
Rob was dragging him with him, furiously trying to get to the car. They were lucky they let them go so easily. Once inside Brad stared at them horrified, knowing exactly what had happened. Rob was panting as he dropped his head on his palms groaning. Mike didn't t say a thing. He just got the seatbelt on and tried to clear his buzzing mind.  
  
  
  
"Fuck...", Brad mumbled as Rob turned the car around leaving the parking lot.  
  
  
  
"You heard them, right?" Mike asked after a while. He was staring out from the window when Rob looked him at the rear-view mirror.  
  
  
  
"How did he die? What happened? What are you going to do now with Linkin Park? Where's your wife? How are you? Isn't long sleeved shirt too hot for this weather? Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike....", he repeated the words as his thumbnail dug to the covered wound on his arm by habit.  
  
  
  
Brad noticed it instantly and grabbed the hand away hard as Mike tried to resist. "Mike... There will be assholes asking those questions from you. We just..."  
  
  
  
"Need to ignore them? Push through? Act like nothing happened? Yeah, sure", Mike mumbled giving up and slouching on the seat.  
  
  
  
"Mike I didn't...", Brad sighed but shut his mouth when the emcee glanced at him his eyes blazing.  
  
  
  
It was in vain. There were no words that would have made Mike feel better, or think it differently. He knew what Brad had meant.  
  
  
  
Back at the house Mike was even more lost than before. He stood in the hallway looking confused as Rob helped the shoes back off.  
  
  
  
"That's the exact reason why I don't go out. Why I won't go out. Not anymore. I'm fucking done", he sighed when Rob stepped aside giving him some space.  
  
  
  
Without saying a single word more he climbed the stairs heading to the bedroom. Brad groaned glancing at Rob when the emcee disappeared from sight.  
  
  
  
"I can go if you want", Rob smiled compassionately.  
  
  
  
"No. I don't really mind. And it's my turn anyway. He is probably heading to sleep so I'll watch TV and call Elisa later. Could you bring me some water at some point and wake me up?" the guitarist said.  
  
  
  
This is what it was now. Making sure Mike was there in the next morning too. Making sure he didn't find something to cut himself open again. They couldn't predict anything anymore. Like when the painting incident happened Mike had been his now normal self. Was this new normal forever to stay? Brad couldn't see that. The future was painted black but he couldn't ignore the spot of light that always reappeared when he really looked. But if this was what Mike would be, the light would be clouded with desperation and sorrow.  
  
  
  
Following the emcee upstairs he tried to shed the gloominess and be the friend Mike needed now. Maybe just the fact that he was there with him would help. The other had already undressed and crawled under the blanket. Brad left the door open and turned off the lights leaving only a small bedside table lamp on on his side of the bed. Anna's side on the bed. He pulled his long sleeved shirt off, leaving the t-shirt under it on and joined Mike on the bed. The he grabbed the remote and turned the television on.  
  
  
  
"Mike. Tell me if the TV is too loud okay? Or... anything", he said then keeping his voice down.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. Sure. It's fine", Mike mumbled.  
  
  
  
He felt like he hadn't slept for days even when that was pretty much all he had done the past day. Exhausted cause of the people. Everyone asking questions, wanting something from him. The weight on his chest was heavier but somehow it didn't feel same as it had before. Soon the buzzing on his head blurred and he fell asleep.  
  
  
  
Hours later he woke up when Brad shifted on the bed turning off the light. The guitarist started to breathe calmly and instant later. Mike sighed turning on his back. Now he couldn't sleep anymore. He blinked trying to adjust to the complete darkness, listening to Brad's breathing. After a while he groaned and closed his eyes again thinking he should at least try to sleep.  
  
  
  
"Mike", there was suddenly a whisper bouncing in the air.  
  
  
  
He jumped to sit up recognizing the voice like the first day he had heard it. Choking he tried to comprehend where he was. His own bed, it was still night, and Brad still sleeping next to him. He gasped and dropped his head to his hands rubbing his face. As he shook his head raising it back up he saw it. It was a shadow, but same time more than just a shadow. Just a blink of an eye, but same time way too clear.  
  
  
  
"God. I am finally going crazy", he bit down to his lip as he laid back down to the bed.  
  
  
  
_But you can't see a shadow in the darkness, right?_  
  
  
  
\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Reviews and kudos are also greatly appreciated <3


	8. Pretend I'm in control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for triggers. The song is obviously Mike's, all copyrights to him.

\------  
  
  
  
"Hey. It's morning. Come and get some breakfast?" a gentle pat on his shoulder woke him up.  
  
  
  
Again it hit him like a train. _Will it be like this for the rest of my life? I can't even wake up without thinking that he is gone._  
  
  
  
"You know I'm not hungry", he mumbled and pushed himself up the bed.  
  
  
  
Brad sighed dropping his head. He had had this conversation so many times that he knew already the outcome. "Yes. And you know you have to eat."  
  
  
  
Mike stared at the clock beside the bed. It was ten AM. He never slept this long. Except for the past days. Since Chester was gone. Sleeping seemed to be the only getaway, when he actually got some sleep and didn't have nightmares. Past few days he had woken up in the middle of the night and then being not able to sleep again. But he'd rather stay lying in bed and stare at the wall than get up and do nothing.  
  
  
  
"There's coffee right?" he mumbled getting on his feet.  
  
  
  
"Yes Mike. There's coffee", Brad mumbled looking at his friend who pulled sweatpants and a t-shirt on, not caring about the wounds visible on his arms.  
  
  
  
Why would he even? There was only Brad and Joe with him and they had seen them. Now he didn't have any bandages on anymore. Just the tape that still connected the sides of the wound on the other cut. The other one would be free from stitches today they had told him. When he answered that he isn't going out, not even to see a doctor, they had sighed heavily glancing at each other like they were planning something. Then Brad had told that they would be doing it, so he didn't even need to.  
  
  
  
They couldn't decide was it good or bad. Joe thought that Mike needed to get out from the house. Rob and Brad were totally against it, remembering how badly the last times had ended. And Dave had said that they shouldn't force him. That he would need time and would do it eventually. When he himself wanted.  
  
  
  
And this whole conversation Mike listened, motionless. They talked like he wasn't in the room, again. It didn't surprise him at all. Not anymore. So when Rob realized that, and apologized to him, he just shrugged continuing with his silence.  
  
  
  
"Did you sleep well?" Brad poured him coffee and put a plate with two BLT sandwiches in front of him.  
  
  
  
"Fine. Dreaming without actual dreams. Just blackness. But I rather take that than the nightmares", Mike tilted his head and stared at the sandwiches like they were turning into monsters.  
  
  
  
"Just eat, Mike", Brad sighed quietly and sat across him with his coffee.  
  
  
  
Mike drank horrible amounts of coffee which made him think that was the reason why he wouldn't sleep. But then again he always fell asleep well so it wouldn't be the caffeine either. He even joked to Dave that he should change the coffee to decaf but he knew it would be the wrong thing to do so it was left to the joking level.  
  
  
  
Mike shot an angry glance at his friend but grabbed a sandwich anyway. He hated their attitude. _Mike you have to eat. Mike you can't drink that much coffee. Mike you need a shower._ _Mike could you talk? Mike this and Mike that._ Hearing his own name made him gag.  
  
  
  
Only after Mike had stopped glaring him, finished one sandwich and one cup of coffee Brad opened his mouth again. "What are your nightmares about?"  
  
  
  
Mike froze. The question startled him completely. His mind traveled back to the nightmares. The one that ended always differently. The one that ended same way every time. And the one that made him wake up sweating and panting, heart filled with sorrow and fear.  
  
  
  
Brad dropped his gaze. He could see that the nightmares were bad, the pain painted on Mike's face revealed it. "You don't have to. But talking could help. My mom said that if you have a nightmare you tell it to someone. Then, when you see it again, you remember that conversation and can realize it isn't real; waking up."  
  
  
  
The half Asian watched as Brad got up to fill their coffee cups. He wondered would saying it aloud make it more real, or more unreal. Which were equally bad thing.  
  
  
  
"I have many nightmares", he mumbled quietly.  
  
  
  
"Okay. Start somewhere then? What's the most recent?" Brad encouraged him to continue.  
  
  
  
Mike stopped to think, the images flashing before his eyes. Things he had actually seen. And things he just imagined, but which could have been just like the way he saw them.  
  
  
  
"Most recent one... Is one where we are playing a show. Then, in the middle of One Step Closer he disappears. Just like... poof. We continue playing, like nothing happened. Like, he wasn't there in the first place. I am the only one who realizes something is wrong, but I continue on autopilot knowing we have to finish the show", Mike told feeling like choking.  
  
  
  
"Okay. And does it end there then?" Brad said trying to be as neutral as possible been when he could almost hear his heart breaking again.  
  
  
  
"No. But every time differently. In one dream we end the show and go backstage and all that. Still like he wasn't even there. Talking normally, having fun... In one occasion I manage to ask where he is and why you all act like he doesn't exist. And you... you all stare at me like I made a funny joke. But when I insist that there's something wrong you ignore me. Completely", the emcee spoke staring blankly to the coffee cup.  
  
  
  
Brad bites down to his lip wondering should he reassure Mike to continue or just stay quiet. But he couldn't manage to make a decision before the other sighed and started again.  
  
  
  
"Then... In one dream it's me who finds him", he muttered.  
  
  
  
The guitarist held his breath, feeling how the anxiousness spread throughout his body.  
  
  
  
"Somehow I am already in the room and I...  I can't approach him. I want to help but... And I know he isn't alive anymore but I still...  Then I can't find my phone. So that I could call someone. And I scream but no one comes. No one. I'm there all alone with his lifeless body and I... I can't leave cause that's the only way out and... he would be left alone then. So I stare at him screaming. And then I wake up", Mike pushed the words out trying not to think. Trying not to see that image in his head.  
  
  
  
Brad noticed Joe standing farther away just as he was about to say that he can't take it. Maybe it's the look that Joe gave him, but somehow he was able to keep himself together. It felt like the time had suddenly slowed down. No one moved, no one speaked.  
  
  
  
"I'm so sorry Mike", Brad managed to mumble.  
  
  
  
Mike just shook his head and leaned back on the chair. "And then the one dream. It's not even a nightmare but... he is sitting in my kitchen. There where you sit. We are drinking coffee, just like this. Joking around, talking about the upcoming tour. Kids playing, Anna running around. He... is just being him. Energetic and annoying as hell. But still the light. And then, in the dream I realize it's a dream. That it had actually happened, but now he is gone. And then I wake up soaked in sweat, trying to scream but nothing comes out."  
  
  
  
"There. Those are the ones that I see again and again", he mumbled placing his empty coffee cup on the table.  
  
  
  
Brad didn't know what to say. What there is to say even? He has probably heard all the different ways to console someone in these past days but none of them mattered cause they all are just words.  
  
  
  
Joe walked to them noticing it would be a good place to change the subject. "I did the laundry. Do you want to help him in shower or should I? Probably good time to take the stitches off."  
  
  
  
The guitarist blinked fighting away the tears that just keep welling up his eyes. "I can do that. You handle the dinner ready then."  
  
  
  
The deejay nodded and squeezed Brad's shoulder before he grabbed Mike's half empty plate with heavy sigh. Not sighing for Brad, but for Mike not eating properly.  
  
  
  
"So, let's get you to shower", Brad tried to put a smile on his face.  
  
  
  
The emcee followed him reluctantly, still disappeared in his own head. He knew how it goes, but he still doesn't want it. Sure they care, it's not wrong thing. But he himself just doesn't care so why should they?  
  
  
  
In bathroom Brad searched for the stitch removal kit, placing it on the sink while Mike undressed himself and stepped in the shower.  
  
  
  
"Oh Mike... You have plenty of phone calls I noticed. You should probably check them out. I talked with Anna earlier and she said she would like to talk with you and hear your voice. She is worried", Brad told him, listening to the water stream.  
  
  
  
The half Asian exhaled heavily and turned the nob in the faucet. _Of course she is worried. They all are worried. But I am fine._  
  
  
  
"Seriously Mike!"  
  
  
  
He awoke to Brad pushing him away from under the stream and turning the nob to other direction.  
  
  
  
"This is the exact reason why you're not left alone!" Brad gasped in disbelief holding his hand that got it's share of the steaming water.  
  
  
  
"I didn't..." Mike dropped his head.  
  
  
  
"Yeah you didn't mean to do it. Like the last time, huh?" Brad wiped the tear away from his eye. He was furious. Mike trying to hurt himself, intentionally or not, was absolutely the worst feeling in the world. His broken heart couldn't take it.  
  
  
  
"Go on. It's cold now. Hope you didn't get any burns", he sighed pulling himself back together and scanning over Mike's skin to catch any severe redness.  
  
  
  
The emcee got back under the stream wondering should he feel lucky that Brad realized he had turned the nob too far. Or the opposite.  
  
  
  
Brad groaned inwardly, hoping this would soon end. He didn't mind helping Mike, but him being so not himself was what hurt him the most.  
  
  
  
Mike washed himself quickly and grabbed then the towel that was waiting for him. He obeyed Brad who signed him to sit on the toilet seat. Brad had now a proper look to his skin and was relieved when it looked just normal.  
  
  
  
"You didn't burn yourself?" he asked wanting to make sure while he got the tiny blade out that he would use to cut the stitches.  
  
  
  
"I'm fine", Mike shook his head and placed his arm on the sink.  
  
  
  
Brad got to his task, biting down to his lip and trying to just finish it without blowing up. When he was done he cleaned the trash to a garbage bin and turned then back to check the wound.  
  
  
  
Mike stared at the wound too. He hadn't really looked it well before. It had healed nicely and soon there would be only an ugly scar left. But he had to remind himself that the worst scars he had were hidden inside him, impossible for others to see.  
  
  
  
"It looks good I think. The other needs more days to heal. And the scar... will look bad", Brad mumbled.  
  
  
  
"Right. Well... no can do now. I'm fine", Mike shrugged.  
  
  
  
Which was the point where Brad lost it. He gasped, stepped back and yelled at the top of his lungs, "You're not fine! You're fucked up! Stop saying you're fine!"  
  
  
  
Mike stared at his friend screaming at him, deadpan. _Sure yeah. Fucked up is an understatement. But really I am fine. Just fine._  
  
  
  
"Brad", Joe was suddenly at the door, his eyebrow cocked, looking worried and slightly pissed.  
  
  
  
"Can you...?" Brad gasped waving towards Mike who was still staring at the guitarist.  
  
  
  
Joe nodded and gave space for Brad who ran downstairs and to the kitchen. There he slumped against the wall bursting into tears. Dropping his head to his hands he let it all out until he was exhausted.  
  
  
  
 _How long more? How long until he is normal? How long until I can breathe without worrying is he going to be fine? How long until I don't need to think when I wake up that is he still alive or has anyone of us messed it all up? How long until I can try to deal with my own grief?_  
  
  
  
He sat there quite a while thinking and wiping his tears until Joe came downstairs.  
  
  
  
"What was that?" Joe asked. He wasn't mad that Brad had yelled. Only sad and worried. He knew none of them was acting normally, what ever that even was.  
  
  
  
"He... He just continues saying he is fine. Like... how can he even think that himself?! He turned the water way too hot when he was taking the shower. And he didn't even realize it. It was like he was doing it on instinct, not even on purpose. Then he kept stating he is fine. Still. Physically he was...", Brad mumbled climbing onto his feet.  
  
  
  
"I don't think he thinks really that he is fine. He is just fooling himself. Saying aloud that he is fine helps to make an illusion that he is. When he isn't. He won't admit that he is struggling. Don't try to force it out from him", Joe shook his head.  
  
  
  
"Yeah... Well he has to realize it someday. Before he gets lost in himself. What's he doing now?" Brad asked glancing at the carrots on the cutting board that were only half cut.  
  
  
  
"That. He is in the studio", Joe smiled and got back to cutting the veggies.  
  
  
  
"Oh... Well... Uhm... I could take more coffee. I could join him? Or should I?" Brad wondered.  
  
  
  
"Go and ask. Maybe he doesn't mind. Bring him some coffee too then", the deejay nodded keeping his eyes on the cutting board.  
  
  
  
Brad grabbed their cups from the table, filled them and decided to do just that. Upstairs he knocked the studio door that was slightly open and stepped in.  
  
  
  
"Hey. Can I join you?" he asked slightly unsure was it good or bad decision.  
  
  
  
Mike turned to look at him and then the coffee cups. "Okay."  
  
  
  
Brad left the other cup on the table and sat down on the couch. He grabbed a magazine from a table, as he thought he probably should just be like he wasn't there. Not to bother the emcee who was obviously onto something. He listened to some random tunes that he didn't recognize and focused then to the reading.  
  
  
  
After a while Mike glanced at Brad over his shoulder and stopped to think.  
  
  
  
"Hey Brad?"  
  
  
  
"Huh?" Brad lifted his gaze from the magazine.  
  
  
  
"The song I made earlier... You said then that you would like to hear it. Does it... do you want to still hear it?" Mike asked.  
  
  
  
The guitarist nodded and tossed the magazine aside and crossed his legs.  
  
  
  
"Okay. It's just... well raw", Mike shrugged and turned in front of the keyboard.  
  
  
  
 _Have I been lost all along_  
 _Was there something I could say or something I should not have done_  
 _Was I lost all along_  
 _Was I looking for an answer when there never really was one_  
  
  
  
Brad listened quietly through the whole song, his heart trying to burst out from his chest.  
  
  
  
"There", Mike mumbled when he finished singing, turning then to face the other.  
  
  
  
"It was beautiful", Brad said. "And sad."  
  
  
  
"Yeah. _This_ is sad."  
  
  
  
"Thank you for playing it for me. And sorry that I yelled earlier", Brad shifted, uncomfortable that he had to apologize when his reason to be mad was justified.  
  
  
  
"It's fine", Mike shot a glance at him, his lip tugging at the pun.  
  
  
  
"Mhm. You will be. Someday", Brad tilted his head.  
  
  
  
Mike stared at the painting in the corner of the room. "The painting incident." Would be a great name for a painting really. He has asked them not to throw it away so they had brought it here. Maybe it was a reminder that he had shed some blood. Like the scars. To remind him that he was alive. That he was still there.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. We will."

 

\------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Comments and kudos are also highly appreciated.


	9. I tried to make it better, but I made it more sick

\-------  
  
  
Brad was staring in the darkness alone in Mike's living room, thinking. Time went by so fast it confused him. Cause even now when he looked at the clock, noticing only minute had passed since he last time looked it, it seemed like days disappeared somewhere. He couldn't even remember what he ate last night. It was all just one blurry mess. Thoughts and said words mixing, dreams and reality mixing.  
  
  
  
He missed the kids and Elisa. Yesterday he had been home. It was short time, and not that relaxing when his head was with Mike. Elisa understands why he was to do this, and he understands why Elisa is so compassionate. It still just doesn't erase the fact that he wouldn't have wanted to leave here. Back to Mike.  
  
  
  
One could say Mike was getting better. He wasn't. There was a change but to Brad it looked like Mike was just contenting. Giving up. He was talking short sentences and even making few notes about how he felt. But it was all just a façade. Walls that were so thin, but still well taken care of. Inside he was just as broken as before.  
  
  
  
Rob seemed to also have harder time. Brad was worried cause he was shutting down. He could never really know what the drummer was thinking, and he was barely talking. But Mike was their first priority. Going before everything else. Keeping him alive had become their job. And it was more than just a job. It was something they had to do. Not just cause their hearts were telling them it was the right thing. But cause their hearts couldn't take him leaving them too.  
  
  
  
So that morning, when Brad couldn't sleep, he came downstairs and sat on the couch. It was still dark, only the first rays of sun just creeping between the curtains. After shivering for quite a while he pulled a fleece blanket around himself and draw his knees to his chest.  
  
  
  
His mind traveled back to the album release and how excited he had been back then. Amazing new songs, more touring. Having fun with his friends doing something he loved. And now it was at halt and he couldn't comprehend how they had gotten to that stage. It wasn't only that he missed Chester and wanted him back. But he wanted back to his life. What it had been, just few weeks ago.  
  
  
  
"Holy shit! I almost head a heart-attack! What are you doing? Sitting in the dark? I thought you were still sleeping" Dave came downstairs noticing him.  
  
  
  
"I was trying to answer Mike's question", Brad mumbled.  
  
  
  
"Which is?" Dave frowned still sleepy.  
  
  
  
"Why?"  
  
  
  
"I see... Did you find an answer?" Dave said. He knew it wasn't possible, but he wanted to see where this talk was going.  
  
  
  
"No. I don't think there is. And answer I mean. But do you think if we could get a chance to ask him that question he would know? Cause I think he didn't knew the answer either."  
  
  
  
"Chester? Yeah... Could be. Mike... Well Mike answered that when it was questioned right? He said that he didn't want to die, but end the pain, right? So what if that was Chester's reason too", Dave shrugged.  
  
  
  
"You know I probably shouldn't... Like, it's wrong. But I am still mad. For him. For leaving us here, causing this all mess. He is the one that broke Mike. He is like... I don't know. Maybe the strongest person I have ever known. So, I am mad. If I would get him here in front of me I would probably scream at him", Brad mumbled.  
  
  
  
He knew being mad cause Chester left them wasn't what he was supposed to feel. But was what that he was supposed to feel? Sorrow? He had gone that path already and that emotion was still there, buried deep inside his heart. It wasn't going anywhere. But now there were other feelings added and anger was the one that was the most prominent.  
  
  
  
"I was actually talking about that with Linsey. She tried to dig up my feelings and I just couldn't name anything. But then she asked was I pissed. And I realized that even though I don't feel that way I can easily see it happening. Just as relevant feeling than sorrow", Dave nodded and then his eyes trailed to Mike's figure coming down the stairs.  
  
  
  
"It's super early Mike", he said when the emcee slumped beside Brad on the couch.  
  
  
  
"I know. Couldn't sleep anymore", Mike rubbed his sleepy eyes.  
  
  
  
Brad watched him carefully, trying to pick up any tiny signs that could tell Mike's current mood.  
  
  
  
"Nightmares again?" Dave frowned. He had to check up the meds again. Mike had refused to take any lately, but maybe it was time to go through the conversation again.  
  
  
  
"No. I just... I keep seeing this shadow. But it's more than just a shadow. You know? There's no shadows in complete darkness. So I can't sleep cause I wait, wanting to get a proper look", the half Asian yawned.  
  
  
  
"You mean like a ghost?" Dave's eyes widened.  
  
  
  
"I don't know if tha-...", Mike started but Brad shut him off.  
  
  
  
"That's bullshit. You're wrong. You're just trying to make excuses... You know you have to let go some day", the guitarist sighed.  
  
  
  
He wasn't really prepared to the way Mike looked at him. It was like Mike didn't know who he was. The hurt visible in the eyes, piercing through him. He turned his gaze away quickly and got up. He was just on the verge of tears. It felt like someone was turning a knife in his heart.  
  
  
  
"I'll make the breakfast", he mumbled, tossed the fleece blanket on the couch and left.  
  
  
  
The emcee stared behind him and bit down to his lip. _I know I'm wrong. But I'm sure I didn't imagine it either_ , he thought.  
  
  
  
"Brad is having really hard time Mike. So... don't blame him for that", Dave tried the reassuring smile on his lips but it felt like a grimace.  
  
  
  
"I know. And I do know that I couldn't see it right. But I didn't imagine it either. First time maybe... But then the whisper... Maybe I am really going crazy", the other shook his head.  
  
  
  
"Whisper?"  
  
  
  
"Yeah back then when I saw it first time. There was first a whisper. My name. I heard it clearly and sat up trying to see who it was. But... It... it was him. There's no way that voice would belong to anyone but him", Mike shook his head.  
  
  
  
Dave stopped to think. He had never been one to believe in supernatural so he thought there might be an explanation to that. Had to be. But then again he didn't want to be that person to tell Mike that he was wrong. Not after Brad already did. So he remained silent.  
  
  
  
After a long while of silence Brad come back, telling the breakfast was done.  
  
  
  
"Mike, Anna had called again", Brad tossed him the phone.  
  
  
  
Mike carried the phone mostly with him, but he didn't answer to any calls or text, barely even looked at the screen. Now he had left it in kitchen, forgetting it completely. He glanced at the screen seeing texts, unanswered calls and notifications from social media.  
  
  
  
"Please talk with her", Dave patted his shoulder.  
  
  
  
"Okay. First coffee", Mike nodded sitting in front of the table.  
  
  
  
He knew he had to do it. But same time he didn't want to. He missed Anna and the kids, but thinking about them coming back home to this mess was terrifying. How could he ever be that husband and father he used to be? What he wanted to be. And friend. Which he realized now as Brad shoot a worried look at him.  
  
  
  
"Don't apologize Brad. I get it", he said deadpan. He knew what was going on in Brad's head and the sigh that followed just confirmed it.  
  
  
  
They started to eat, all three of them uncomfortable to really talk about anything. Brad tried not to supervise too much Mike's eating but he was too worried to not keep his gaze away. The half Asian ate, but it really looked like he was forcing himself. To grab the sandwich and even to chew and swallow it. But he manage to complete the sandwiches, both of them.  
  
  
  
"Okay. So... Uhm. I'll make the call now. No need to avoid the inevitable", he sighed then pouring more coffee to his cup.  
  
  
  
Dave and Brad watched him to grab his cup and phone and walk to back to the living room.  
  
  
  
"Mike! So glad you called!" Anna answered sounding worried but also happy.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. What's up? How are the kids? How are you?"  
  
  
  
"They miss you. I miss you too. Been talking with Tal. She tries to carry on but is really hurting. Ryan called too, he wanted to hear how you're doing but... I didn't know should I tell him or not so I didn't. Jason called me too. I'm... holding on", Anna sighed heavily.  
  
  
  
"I miss you too. I don't... I don't have anything to say really. Just wanted to call you and tell that I love you. So that you don't think I don't care anymore or like that. You know me. It takes time."  
  
  
  
"I do yes... I'm scared. I want to help you but I don't know how."  
  
  
  
"I know Anna. I know. We need time. I need... I think it's better that you stay there with the kids until... I can honestly say that I am ready. Maybe going back to the normal daily schedule would help but I am certain it would just make this worse. So... I'm sorry."  
  
  
  
"Oh Mike... Don't be. Let's just get through each day. I don't want to rush with it. The kids will understand someday better than now."  
  
  
  
"Yeah."  
  
  
  
"But talk with your friends okay? I don't mind answering the calls but I don't know what to tell them so it's awkward."  
  
  
  
"Okay."  
  
  
  
They ended the call and Mike slouched back on the couch. _Talk with your friends. What would I tell them? That I tried to kill myself? That I was so drunk that I did it almost by accident? That I really don't want to die, but I can't live with this pain either? That I am fine when I really am everything else than fine. That I will be fine? I think I will, but I can't be sure._  
  
  
  
"Mike, you okay?" Dave was standing in front of him. They all knew that was just a nonsense question. More like questioning why he was suddenly looking weird, that what had happened. Not what was way deeper, under all that what was visible on Mike's face.  
  
  
  
"She just... She asked me to call my friends and I don't know what to say to them", Mike mumbled staring at the screen and scrolling through the names that had called.  
  
  
  
"Well, maybe send a message to all of them that you are being taken care of and will contact them later, when you're ready?" Dave shrugged.  
  
  
  
Mike thought about it and nodded then. Maybe that was the best thing to do. Otherwise he would have to call all of them and that was just exhausting. He typed the message and sent it to all of the ones that had called or sent a message hoping to hear back from him.  
  
  
  
"Done", he sighed and placed the phone on the coffee table. As soon as he dropped the phone the screen started to show incoming messages.  
  
  
  
He cringed and stood up. "I'll be at the studio."  
  
  
  
Dave watched him leave and went then back to help Brad. The guitarist was chewing his lip, looking totally lost and confused.  
  
  
  
"One day at a time Brad", Dave sighed squeezing his shoulder.  
  
  
  
The other nodded. He didn't have anything to say to that. Cause that's how it was. When they couldn't go back and change what had happened they had to move forward. Even when it was scary now when all they were used to had been changed.  
  
  
  
The front door opened and Rob stumbled in. Time for Dave to go home. He had already stayed the time he was supposed to. But he was reluctant to leave. Brad seemed to get lost in his thoughts all the time, only forcing himself through the tasks. And now Rob looked like he didn't want to be here.  
  
  
  
"Maybe I should stay too", he sighed looking at Brad who was ignoring him, like he wasn't even hearing what was happening.  
  
  
  
Rob followed his eyes and sighed when he noticed Brad chewing his lip. "Just go. Your turn to be home. We'll manage. I got good rest."  
  
  
  
"Okay. But call me if you need me to come back. Mike is at the studio so someone should check him out soon", Dave mumbled and started to gather his things so he could leave.  
  
  
  
The drummer watched him leave and approached then Brad. "Hey. What's wrong?"  
  
  
  
Again another nonsense question. To hide the fact that everything was wrong and there wasn't actual answer to how to make it right.  
  
  
  
"Everything. But also nothing. It's weird that we are here, taking care of him. When we are supposed to be touring. I feel like... like I am just doing nothing. You know? Making music and playing it to others is what we do. So what is left when we don't have that anymore?" the other shrugged.  
  
  
  
"Are you... God this is way too soon. Are you thinking that there's no Linkin Park anymore?" the drummer gasped.  
  
  
  
Brad turned to look at him. "One member dead. One broken mess. Rest of us... Well we are just equally fucked up. So I don't really see future. For the band."  
  
  
  
"That breaks my heart Brad. It's... Linkin Park is even more you than me. So... I can't believe you're actually thinking giving up. Not that... Well, we need time. So soon to think about it now", Rob shook his head. It's not that he hadn't thought about it. It was forced inside his thoughts. Cause everything reminded him about the fact that he was a musician and supposed to be doing that.  
  
  
  
"I'm not giving up. I just... I told Dave before I am mad at Chester. So maybe this is one part of it. He just took it all away from us. And I know he probably thought it would be better without him. Us, the band, world... God he was so wrong. So, so wrong. It's the absolute opposite", Brad groaned.  
  
  
  
Rob sighed and grabbed the other to a tight hug. Only then he realized how skinny Brad was. Even more than before.  
  
  
  
"You need to eat too you know", he mumbled.  
  
  
  
The guitarist nodded. He knew that, and he was trying. Seeing Mike not have appetite was always reminding himself how important that was.  
  
  
  
"I'll go see what is he doing" Rob said staring at the other, wanting to make sure Brad was okay.  
  
  
  
"Sure. I'll call Elisa meanwhile."  
  
  
  
Rob skipped upstairs and to the studio. Mike had left the door open which Rob noted gladly. Locked and even closed doors had become forbidden now and none of them liked to remind Mike about that. The emcee knew perfectly well why, but tend to forget it.  
  
  
  
"Hey."  
  
  
  
Mike turned sideways to glance at him and then back to the keyboard. "Hey."  
  
  
  
Rob sat down listening to what the other was making. Some random tunes, nothing that sounded ready or thought further.  
  
  
  
"Mike... Do you remember when we heard One Step Closer first time in radio?" he asked after a while shifting on the couch.  
  
  
  
"Uhm... Oh, yeah. We were in car but I can't remember where we were going. Why?" Mike arched his eyebrow.  
  
  
  
"Remember how nuts Chester went. He couldn't remain still, jumping up and down in the backseat. Then he opened the window and screamed to poor pedestrians that it was our song", Rob told a small smile spreading on his lips.  
  
  
  
Yeah. I remember that. God he was so loud. It was obnoxious."  
  
  
  
"So. Remember that. Don't forget it. Cherish the memory. How happy he was, eyes sparkling. Making us all smile and laugh. No one can take away the good memories Mike. No one. Even... when there's no more memories being made with him, the past ones are with us. Forever", Rob said.  
  
  
  
The half Asian stared at him and nodded then acceptingly. Then Brad was on the doorway, looking worried and confused.  
  
  
  
"Jason is here", he said glancing at Mike and at Rob.  
  
  
  
Mike stared at him his mind blurring completely. Talking to Jason now wasn't what he was prepared to do. But he couldn't just tell him to leave. It was his brother anyway.  
  
  
  
"Mike, you...", Brad started but Mike shook his head.  
  
  
  
"I know I need to talk to him. I just... I have no idea how", the emcee rubbed his temples.  
  
  
  
"Okay. Let's do this. Rob you go and fetch him. I'll stay and explain if there's a need for it", Brad decided.  
  
  
  
And so they did. They talked for hours, which was more Jason talking and Mike listening. Brad watched them a while and then decided he wasn't needed. Jason stayed over dinner and for once Brad felt like Mike was actually paying attention to the words someone was saying. Maybe it was the fact that they're were the same words that they had repeated, again. Or maybe cause Jason looked really mad and he was terrifying when he raised his voice. He didn't get why Mike hadn't reached out to him, especially when they were so close. Shutting down wasn't his way to deal with anything, and Mike not even answering his phone was hurting him. And then he heard it all from Anna which hurt even more that his brother wasn't talking to him, but his wife.  
  
  
  
When he left Mike was absolutely exhausted. It was like he was drained emotionally. Yawning he glanced at his friends.  
  
  
  
"Go to bed Mike", Brad shook his head smiling slightly. Jason's visit wasn't what they had planned but somehow it had been a good thing, despite how surprising it had been.  
  
  
  
"Kay."  
  
  
  
Brad helped Rob to clean the table and decided to join the emcee the . Mike was already in bed scrolling through his phone. Brad frowned while he changed his jeans to pajama pants.  
  
  
  
"Uhm... Don't tell me you're doing what I think you are." He knew social media was filled with this and that, but he didn't want Mike to read any of that yet.  
  
  
  
Mike glanced at him and shook his head then. "I just went through all the text messages and calls."  
  
  
  
"Good", the other nodded switching the lights off after he had folded his pants on a chair.  
  
  
  
After placing his phone on the bedside table Mike let out a heavy sigh and dug under the blanket. Yawning he closed his eyes. He had just relaxed when there was a sudden cold breeze making his skin prickle. It was quick and light, on his skin like a feather. He tensed up but then an overwhelming warmth spread throughout him.  
  
  
  
"What was that?" Brad whispered in disbelief.  
  
  
  
Mike turned to look at him, even though he couldn't see him in the darkness. "You felt it?"  
  
  
  
"Yeah."  
  
  
  
"That... I have no idea", Mike gasped.  
  
  
  
But the weird feeling was still present, lingering. Like the air was somehow heavier, holding them in, cradling. A smile spread on his lips for the first time in few weeks.  
  
  
  
It couldn't be. But still it had to be.  
  
  
  
 _Chester._  
  
  
  
\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Kudos and comments are also greatly appreciated. Would love to hear what you guys think?
> 
> I will also emphasize that there are things that are not how I feel/think about them or LP.


	10. Feeling like I'm living in a story already written

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm. Possible triggers but you guys know this story.

\------  
  
  
  
Another week. Rob didn't like it. Just the fact that he was getting further and further away from Chester. From the last time he saw the singer. From the last time they spoke. Mostly he was scared that more time passed the more he would forget. Until there wouldn't be any memories left. What if he would completely forget? Him, everything. He had started to second guess it after he had talked Mike about it. But, he was just scared. Worried that the memories would go away, cause it was the only thing they had.  
  
  
  
His days were now colored grey. Everything he did had this ugly, muddy shade. Food didn't taste of anything. His favorite songs didn't sound good. All his favorite things seemed somehow wrong. Like he wasn't even supposed to be enjoying. So once again he glanced at the drum kit that was in Mike's studio wondering when would he be able to play again.  
  
  
  
But Mike was completely lost in the music. All that he pushed out sounded strange. But also good, in Rob's opinion. There were lots of things that could work further but Mike seemed like he was searching for something particular. Impatiently he made tunes after another. Rob saw him also record something, which he thought was weird. Where would he even need those anyway? Now, he was more interested in what Mike was doing, than to the magazine he was holding in his hands, pretending to read.  
  
  
  
"Rob. Joe came so I'll head home, okay?" Dave was standing in the doorway.  
  
  
  
The emcee didn't even flinch. He just continued, biting an end of a pen, running his fingers on top of the keyboard keys. After staring at them blankly he played again another melody.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. Sure", Rob mumbled and shrugged. Dave nodded sadly and left them, shooting final glance at the half Asian.  
  
  
  
He had also wondered how long this would take. Saying that Mike was getting better, or moving on wasn't true. Something had happened but it was subtle. Rob didn't know what it meant but he hoped it was step forward still. In some way. Only thing was that the idea made him cringe. If Mike was moving on shouldn't he be too? He just couldn't even think about it. It sounded like a bad joke. He had known Chester for so long, and then he suddenly wasn't there anymore. It was a huge black void spreading over his existence and there was no way to fill it.  
  
  
  
"Hey", Joe said to him and then directed his gaze to Mike. "Has he been doing that all day?"  
  
  
  
"Several days", Rob mumbled again, knowing he wouldn't get anything smart out.  
  
  
  
"It's good. I think he is pushing his feelings there. Like the last time when he made the song for Ches", the deejay nodded a small smile on his lips.  
  
  
  
Mike glanced over his shoulder first him and then Rob. "I am not deaf."  
  
  
  
"Sorry Mike. You seem really concentrated on that so... I just thought", Joe answered feeling slightly embarrassed.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. I did some lyrics too", the emcee shrugged like it was the most casual thing. Well for him it really was. Rob just couldn't really fathom that.  
  
  
  
"You did? More like the one you did earlier?" Joe asked interested.  
  
  
  
"More or less so. Don't know what comes out of it. It's rather short", Mike mumbled glancing at Rob who looked weird.  
  
  
  
"And... Then?" Rob asked, his voice suddenly raspy.  
  
  
  
Mike shifted on his seat, looking uncomfortable, "Why? I can't make music now without you guys?"  
  
  
  
Rob sighed and dropped his gaze. "I didn't mean it like that Mike. I just... Nevermind."  
  
  
  
"Just spill it out", Mike grumbled annoyed by now.  
  
  
  
The drummer shook his head. "Nothing. I was just wondering what will you do, when you're like... well have something ready."  
  
  
  
Mike stopped his actions and stared him. He hadn't even thought about that. Not at all. "I have no idea. There's a song then. Well it is a song pretty much already. It's... fuck. It's personal. So I don't know."  
  
  
  
"But grief is", Joe said tilting his head.  
  
  
  
The half Asian turned to stare at him. "Exactly. Which is why I don't know should I even play it for you guys."  
  
  
  
Rob shook his head. "But Mike, we are really in same position as you. Even though you... tried to follow him. Still, we all feel something similar. Different version and states. But it's there. Maybe... It could help us understand you."  
  
  
  
"Yeah. Guess you're right. So what do you want?"  
  
  
  
"Don't ask me. I have no idea. Sure I would like to hear it at some point but otherwise...", Rob frowned and shrugged.  
  
  
  
"Okay. I'll think about it. I just... I can't just sit and do nothing. Not anymore. It... pours out. I have to direct it somewhere cause otherwise it will..", the half Asian sighed and raked his hair.  
  
  
  
"Suffocate", Rob nodded. Too familiar. He just didn't know how to direct it.  
  
  
  
"Yeah", Mike muttered and turned back to the keyboard not wanting to continue the conversation.  
  
  
  
The drummer glanced at Joe who was still in the doorway, staring at them. Joe could see Rob had been saying another thing and thinking another. He also knew perfectly well that it was just to protect Mike. Which he wasn't sure should they do or not. But thinking about Mike getting pissed and maybe doing something to himself cause of that, wasn't an option either.  
  
  
  
The subject came up again later that day when Joe was cooking and asked Mike to leave the room while he would have fetched a knife from its hiding place. They hadn't had a reason to doubt Mike in a long time, but still it was the first thing in all of their minds. Just seeing a blade made Rob's stomach turn. Mike still didn't know where they kept the knives, and he hadn't even searched. But mostly it just hurt that they didn't trust him. Not that they would have even reasons, but it still hurt.  
  
  
  
"Mike. I know it's annoying but it's too soon for you to see the knives", Joe stood there, relentless.  
  
  
  
"Fuck you", the half Asian huffed between his gritted teeth. He was so mad that they were doing this to him in his own home. He didn't need a knife. But being not trusted was the thing. He had no control in anything in his own home.  
  
  
  
"I can't do this. Call Brad", the deejay ignored Mike's tantrum and turned to face Rob who fetched his phone and chose Brad's number from the ones he had last called.  
  
  
  
"Hi. We have an issue. Joe is trying to make food but Mike doesn't leave the kitchen", he said when the guitarist picked up.  
  
  
  
Brad sighed to the phone, "The knives you mean? Let me talk to him."  
  
  
  
They all knew Brad was the best one to talk to Mike in this kind of situation. Dave had said that they shouldn't pour everything on Brad, but the problem was that he just was the one who handled Mike the best. It wasn't only cause they had known longest, but cause Brad knew Mike so well.  
  
  
  
"I feel violated. I can't even make a sandwich in my own house. If I need a knife I mean", Mike grumbled his tone already slightly different.  
  
  
  
"Mike... I know. But we can't do it yet. Some day, but not this soon."  
  
  
  
"It's so nice to have friends that don't trust you, you know?" the emcee huffed sarcastically causing Rob to throw his hands in the air an leave the room.  
  
  
  
"Listen to me. You don't fucking earn the trust. Not yet. I found you in a hotel room while you were about to bleed to death. You did that. You almost died. You fucking almost left me. I tried to stop the bleeding but I couldn't. I screamed for you not to leave me. And then not to close your eyes when you were passing out. Or dying. So I thought. Then the fucking episode with the painting", Brad paused to take a breath. But not to calm down. He certainly wasn't going to calm down, just getting more riled, his voice strident.  
  
  
  
"You almost caused poor Rob to have a heart-attack then. And we were in the same situation again. And then the shower thing. If you constantly try to hurt yourself and get back to the start it's gonna take a long while. How can you even think we could trust you already? I want to. I really do. But I can't. You know how fucking much it hurts me when I think about the possibility that I will find you dead some day. That one of us screws up and you find a way to do it. Cause believe me Mike, I have thought about every single possible way there is. And how to prevent it. And then you saying you're fine...", Brad inhaled heavily.  
  
  
  
"So no. You're gonna suck it up and wait until we are ready to trust you again. I don't give a shit about you feeling bad cause we can't do it yet. Cause I am not going through again how _bad_ it feels when your friend kills himself. I am not doing it again. I will keep you alive even if it would mean I have to stay there myself twenty-four hours a day. Anything else you don't _like_ now?" he finished feeling his heart weirdly lighter.  
  
  
  
"No", Mike mumbled. "Guess you're right."  
  
  
  
"Yeah. I am. You know that. And sorry that I yelled at you. You just have no idea how horrible it was. I don't even have words to describe the feeling, I really don't. But you can imagine what I saw when I found you and what I went through in my head", Brad said his words softening to the point that his voice got sad and brittle. He felt that Mike certainly needed the harsh words. Cause they all made mistakes but Mike's mistake could cost him everything. Their everything.  
  
  
  
"Fuck... It's so hard Brad. I get that. But I also feel like I am in a prison. In my own home", the emcee sighed. It was a weird feeling. He felt like he was safe and in prison, at same time.  
  
  
  
Rob had gotten back when he heard that Mike had calmed down. Biting down to his lip he squeezed Mike's shoulder. He could relate.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. But it's not forever. Just let us be the friend for you that we couldn't be for Chester."  
  
  
  
"Brad...", Mike gasped. Brad was blaming himself too, still. And he hadn't even thought about that.  
  
  
  
"I'm gonna go now. Just do what they ask okay? We see tomorrow", Brad said sadly and hung up.  
  
  
  
The emcee handed the phone back to Rob who gave him questioning look.  
  
  
  
"Yeah, I'm just gonna... ", Mike mumbled, and after waving his hand in the air walked to the living room leaving them handle the dinner.  
  
  
  
Then he felt silent. There was so much to think but it all was just a mess inside his head. He needed time to sort his emotions and thoughts. Making songs was exactly what he was planning, but first he needed some time just to stay inside his own head. Before channeling it out in melodies and words.  
  
  
  
When it was ten PM, and the dinner has passed, he had gotten enough of thinking and decided that trying to sleep would be the next for that day. Joe was already reading in the bed when he joined him. Rob was handling some laundry and things that needed to be done. He felt weird that he was doing those things here. But yet again those had to be done. Mike wasn't in the state of handling really anything. He decided he would chat with Dave before he would go to sleep. Again another day ahead and he wasn't sure was he ready to face it.  
  
  
  
"Joe. Can I ask you something?" Mike sighed when he pulled the blanket on himself, shifting on the bed.  
  
  
  
"Yeah?" the Korean closed the book and glanced at him.  
  
  
  
"You know... I wasn't doing it cause of that. Or even thinking that it would be possible. But would you trade? If you could. Would you trade places with him?" Mike stared at the ceiling while he chewed his lip.  
  
  
  
Joe stopped to think about the question. Sometimes he wondered why Mike was having these thoughts. He was reading way too much between the lines. Chester was gone and he wouldn't come back. No matter which way they would twist it, it wouldn't bring him back. And they could never find a reasoning behind his actions. Cause the only person that could answer the question was Chester himself.  
  
  
  
"I am going to be selfish and say no. He was miserable. Right? To do something like that. So... if he would still be here, he would continue to suffer. And maybe... do it anyway at some point. Now he is at peace", he said reluctantly. Absolutely sure about his words, but then also scared what Mike would answer.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. You do it to... end the pain. He is safe now. Not hurting anymore", the emcee mumbled chasing the tears away that tried to well on his eyes.  
  
  
  
He had a piece of him missing. The part that Chester was. But it made him wonder had it disappeared slowly, gradually. But that he just hadn't realized it before Chester was gone. Cause Chester had been dying slowly, gradually. They just didn't see the light dimming. They only realized when it had gone out, leaving only darkness behind. And the echo of a voice that there never would be another alike.  
  
  
  
\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I appreciate all comments and kudos too. I would like to know what you think about the story?


	11. We're trying to get through each week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 20th day and a year has passed. Still can't believe it. My heart hurts like it was just yesterday.

\-------

 

More time had passed. More time for them to get used to the fact that their friend wasn't with them anymore. More time to try to get back to the normal life. Which was everything but normal now when Chester was gone. Mike had grown tired of thinking. So he didn't. Instead he pushed all of what there was out, to the new music, until there was nothing more to give. Most of the nights he was so exhausted that he barely managed to get to bed before he fell asleep. Nightmares were still there, but not every night anymore.

 

First Brad had been worried. Cause Mike stayed in the studio all day. He came down only to eat and grab a cup of coffee. But then he realized that that was exactly what Miks needed to do. Since he was young he had always turned to music and art when he had hard time. After Brad fathomed that he managed to relax. The most important part though was that Mike was eating properly, finally. He still didn't seemed to be enjoying the food, but he ate what was offered and didn't leave part of the meal behind.

 

But today Brad's worry was directed to Rob. He had been supposed to come as Brad was leaving home, but now he didn't even answer to his phone. After some hours he was growing more and more anxious. Dave was staring at him wondering what went through his head, as he chewed his cuticles and tapped his foot against the floor.

 

"Brad. I can stay alone. I don't think he is... You know. Go and see is Rob fine. I'm worried too", the bassist sighed.

 

The other turned to face him and then glanced to the direction of the studio. "Call me if you need me then."

 

Dave nodded and watched as Brad left as quick as he possibly could just grabbing the essentials, his phone and the keys, with. He was almost certain that Rob was fine. But fine was a concept that could be thought in so many ways. And last time he thought someone was fine was when Mike had almost died.

 

Brad drove to Rob's house and after trying to call him once more went inside with his own keys. He found the drummer quickly in the living room. He was curled on the couch and staring into space even though the television was on too. Looking absolutely miserable and Brad could see he had cried a lot.

 

"Hey... You didn't come today?"

 

"Couldn't", the other mumbled the answer.

 

"You kinda have to. We all do", Brad sighed. He didn't want to babysit Mike either, but he knew it had to be done. There was no other way around it.

 

"I know. I just can't..."

 

"What's going on then Rob? You got us worried", the other asked sitting on the other end of the huge couch. "And where is she?"

 

"Not here. I don't know Brad what's going on. I'm scared. I'm scared that Mike won't make it. Then I am scared that he will now, but falls apart when we least expect it. You... You said you won't let it happen. But you can't be with him twenty four hours a day, even though you said you will. It's not possible Brad. He will find a way. So... We need to let go. And as I say that my thoughts go back to the painting incident", Rob said still staring in front of him.

 

He didn't know how should he even put his thoughts to words. There was really no way in preparing Brad to what he thought, but even to him the words just sounded strange, different, when they fell from his mouth, than what they were in his head.

 

"Yeah. We do. And then I stay up every night thinking will I find him dead the next day. How do you get over such thing? But I know that's my problem then. Yesterday I suggested therapy for him. He yelled at me, but just hour later he was back to the... well normal state. You know, what he has been now. What is his normal now. I can't tell was he really offended by the idea or just scared to face the demons that are eating him. But then again he seems to be doing quite well with the music. So I can't tell is he actually getting better or just... trying to escape", Brad mumbled.

 

"But... What if he makes it? Like actually gets through and starts to try to go on without Chester. There are still us other four. All probably in different stage with the grieving... What about the band? After the talk the other day I started to think about it. What if he makes it, and wants to get back together? Or... well I don't think we are apart even, though one of us is gone. Even thinking about going on to stage without Chester makes me puke. And it's not that I wouldn't want us to continue... He just... He didn't give us any choice! Now we are forced to choose do we continue or not. How... Brad it fucking hurts", Rob gasped turning his gaze to the other.

 

"I get it. So... That's another thing in small period of time that you have changed your mind with. Have you considered that it's not really what you think? But what this... whole thing makes you think? I can tell only what I think about the band and all that, but then again I am afraid that it's too much. That maybe our talk the other day pushed you in certain direction", Brad watched Rob's sad eyes.

 

"Maybe. Or maybe that was what I thought all along. I hate it. That he... He left us and now we have to pick up the pieces and fix the puzzle with the pieces that don't fit the picture anymore. I have thought over and over again how would we do it, but the image stays the same. And what then? Even if we could continue somehow is it just... quick fix? That we fall apart soon again. Or would it actually work after a longer period of time? We wouldn't know that. Which leads me to next question- should we end it now or wait the final blow? Cause I only assume it would hurt so much more if we try again and fail."

 

"I see what you mean. But how is it giving up? You just said that he didn't give us a choice. So basically we are trying to just survive with the remains there are. What he left for us. God this sounds so bitter... I'm still mad at him, but I don't want to blame him. Cause it's the disease that does it. Not him. He wasn't equal to the disease. Depression destroys people. And I hate to think about it, but it's... And it wasn't the first time. I talked with Tal but I...", Brad sighed and shrugged then.

 

"Right... Okay. This whole talk makes my head spin. I don't want to know about more of that. I hate the fact that he is gone. And I hate that we couldn't help him. We should have. It was possible, right?" Rob said the words almost burning in his mouth.

 

Like Brad would even know the answer. He was just as lost as the others were. Brad stared at him thinking how could he ever answer that properly. In his mind he knew they couldn't have. But his heart told that it wasn't possible.

 

"I don't know Rob. I would assume that it wouldn't have been. How do you help someone that's so depressed that he wants to end it? You can listen. Which we did. He had some medication as far as I know. That should help with the therapy. His history was horrible. But he had loving people around him that would have basically done anything for him. Yet still... If it kills you from inside, what there is left to live for anymore? I have... never been in that situation, but I can only think what it would be like if you want to end it all. Wouldn't it be like constant physical pain? But that it's just inside your head", Brad talked now mostly to himself.

 

Rob stared at him thinking why the 'what if' was always the first thing. Like it actually would matter to think about what if there was something more. It didn't console. It just caused more thoughts to arise.

 

"I still feel like we should have been able to help. I should have...", he said, his voice barely audible just lingering in the air.

 

Brad dropped his head. Cause that was what he thought too. He felt guilty. Even though his mind told him it wasn't like that. It never was so easy.

 

"I have thought about it too. A lot. But I think that he wouldn't want us to blame ourselves either. Like I said, I have never been in that situation but if he would have thought that it makes us feel all these...horrible things... maybe he wouldn't have done it. Maybe. Or not. I don't know. It still doesn't take the pain away if people tell you that they care", he said then.

 

Rob sighed shifting on the couch. "Yeah. It doesn't. I miss him so much. It pains me to think that he was so miserable... I want to get him back just to talk with him. Even if it wouldn't change anything. Even if it wouldn't change his mind."

 

The guitarist couldn't answer. There wasn't anything to say. His mind was filled with things but none of them seemed to suit the situation still. Or maybe he was just overwhelmed by the fact that Rob was such a mess.

 

After a while he bit down to his lip, "So, you're not coming?"

 

"I can't. Not today. I'll come tomorrow. If you can manage without me?" Rob mumbled fighting the tears away.

 

"It's Dave's turn but I think I can stay. And as you said, we should let go. We can't move on if we cling to him. Maybe it just makes it worse you know? Causes him to shut down", Brad shrugged.

 

Nothing really made sense anymore. As he thought one thing, there was another thought refuting it. And then the cycle repeated, confusing him even more.

 

"Well... Call me if you need suddenly help. I need a day for myself", the other sighed.

 

Brad nodded his heart heavy with worry and sorrow. "Yeah. Hold on. I know there's really nothing I could say to you to make it hurt less."

 

After goodbyes he left and drove back to Mike's. There the emcee was still where he had been as Brad left- in the studio.

 

"Still?" Brad frowned looking at Dave and tossing his keys and phone back to a table.

 

"Yup. He is doing something else than yesterday though. How's Rob?"

 

"Not good. He was really down. He blames himself. I told that we can manage today, and he said he would be here tomorrow. So, I'll stay today. It's late anyway so I assume Mike is going to bed soon", Brad sighed. Honestly he was okay to stay now. He was more worried that Rob was next to fall apart. More than he was now.

 

"You sure?"

 

"Yeah. But I'll head to the bed. I should call Elisa", Brad mumbled trying to smile.

 

Dave watched him head upstairs and shook his head. He didn't know how would they make it if they would all crumble down one by one. Only thing he had now was to make it through the next day. With that thought he went to clean the table after the dinner.

 

Elisa wasn't happy that Brad couldn't make it. She understood, but that was another thing than excepting it. Brad was again speechless. What was there to say? He had to be there and help and he would do it. No one could stop it.

 

When Mike joined him after few hours he was just about to close his eyes and try to get some sleep. The half Asian looked tired as he undressed and climbed to the bed, but Brad had gotten used to it. He glanced at the arms by habit. Not expecting to see more wounds, but to see how the old ones were doing. They had taken the wound tape off and now the wounds looked pretty same. Only differences were that the other scar wasn't as straight as the other and it was thicker.

 

It was like his heart was being squeezed, forced to a tiny ball. Biting down to his lip he tried to prevent the grimace from spreading on his lips. He had already heard what Mike had thought then when he decided to grab to the glass shard. But he could never forget what it felt like to try to stop the bleeding when the blood just flowed and soaked his hands instantly. He could remember how pale Mike looked and how shallow his breaths were. And how angry he was that the emcee had dared to try that. To do that, since he was sure Mike wouldn't make it. It still hurt him, and he was sure he could never really forgive it. Even if he wanted.

 

Mike turned to him scrunching his face when he noticed the stare. He couldn't read Brad's mind but the stare was familiar and since he knew the other so well he could guess what went on his mind. Brad sighed lightly and turned the bedside table off and pulled a blanket on himself.

 

"You know that I am sorry", Mike mumbled swallowing the tears, but he wasn't succeeding.

 

"Oh Mike... I know you are", Brad didn't have heart to tell the other that he couldn't forgive. Instead he pulled him to a hug and ignored his own pain letting Mike cling to him.

 

After a while the silent tears subsided and Mike's slow breathing filled the room instead. Brad knew they had a long way to go, but he wasn't giving up. Cause Mike was still there.

 

\------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Reviews and kudos are also greatly appreciated. Love you all.


	12. This is that drama comma pain and ain't no way around it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course I had to write about this. And there's another reveal at end, but you guys guessed it already.

\--------  
  
  
  
Mike felt weird. He was moving forward but when he looked at the past it was like nothing had really changed. Struggling still with the same things, daily, he couldn't see how it was actually moving forward. But he was, he wanted to believe so too. Part of him did. Part of him was still stuck. He could say stuck in the past but then again it didn't feel like past. Not really. The rage kept him there, with the grief. It was hard for him to let go of the rage, when he didn't even know where it was directed to.  
  
  
  
"You don't have to go. But I really... we really don't want to leave you alone either. And since...", Dave sighed staring at the emcee who was sitting on his couch and having a second cup of coffee for that day.  
  
  
  
"Since he isn't here. Cause Chester...", Mike  swallowed the last words not in the mood to think about it further.  
  
  
  
"No. But cause Anna and the kids aren't. Everything isn't about him Mike. You need to realize that or you will lose yourself", the other raised his eyebrow.  
  
  
  
Mike gasped. "Lose myself?! I fucking lost myself when..."  
  
  
  
He was flushed, the anger rising fast but Brad beside him pushed him back to the couch before he managed to get up and yell at the bassist.  
  
  
  
"Shut up. I am not having that conversation now", Brad almost growled at Mike who obeyed and calmed himself down.  
  
  
  
"So. Please come?" Dave continued after a while now staring at Brad who was looking at Mike who had dropped his gaze.  
  
  
  
Mike thought about it. Longer than he ever would have before. But then he figured maybe it wouldn't be that bad. Maybe he couldn't stay at home for ever. Even if he wanted to. Maybe that wasn't the best solution.  
  
  
  
"I'll come", he mumbled then.  
  
  
  
Brad glanced at Dave who turned his surprised eyes to him. They didn't even need to say the words. Just their expression told it all. They both were rather shocked that Mike wasn't actually fighting against their idea.  
  
  
  
So when they were in Brad's car later, headed to Dave's who left earlier to help Linsey, Brad still wasn't absolutely sure was Mike coming cause he honestly wanted or cause he thought that would make him achieve some kind of false sense of control. He thought he had lost the connection a long time a go with Mike. He was there, continuing to live with them. But to Brad it was like he was faking. And he was mad at himself for thinking it that way. Mike was at least trying to cope. Even if it was displaying as him deadpanning and mostly not speaking.  
  
  
  
"Too much people", Mike mumbled when they got inside the house.  
  
  
  
And it wasn't. Just the close family, which surely was big, but Mike had seen them all at least once and knew most of them well. The people stared at him, so he thought. Some maybe, but mostly they just wanted to greet him. He followed Brad to the backyard where the actual party was held. Children having fun everywhere. Running in swimsuits, aiming each other with water guns. Lots of delicious food set on a table and place reserved for a birthday cake.  
  
  
  
Mike smiled and sat down at the patio, enjoying the shade it provided. It was a super hot day and the humidity had already glued his t-shirt to his back. He was worried about the scars. Not that people knew, but if they would start ask questions. That he couldn't handle. Cause the _why_ was obvious, but then he had to explain also the _why_ behind that.  
  
  
  
"Here. And tell if you need something", Dave's voice startled him.  
  
  
  
The other handed him a glass of coke with plenty of ice and continued to stare.  
  
  
  
"Dave. I'm fine", Mike sighed but received a slap from Brad who was sitting next to him.  
  
  
  
Babysitter, as Mike still occasionally called them. When they weren't listening to him when he tried to tell he didn't need the supervising. But at least they were now back in handling it one person at a time. Finally. He shot a glare at the guitarist who just returned it. Mike wasn't allowed to use the word fine now. Cause it was just hiding the fact that he was anything else than _fine_. So they told him.  
  
  
  
So instead he just rolled his eyes and directed the conversation elsewhere. After all it was nice day and there was so much joy and laughter around him that he just couldn't be mad. Watching the kids have fun was lifting his spirits. He missed his own, but he knew Anna took care of them and he would see them soon. When he was ready. When he wasn't danger to himself anymore. He just didn't know when would that be.  
  
  
  
"Hey", Rob joined them too, and sat next to Brad.  
  
  
  
"You look good", Brad said sipping his drink.  
  
  
  
"No I don't. Save the lies for someone else. I don't buy that", the other shot a glance at him. He didn't want to be there. But if Mike was going he sure as hell was expected to go too. Besides it was again his turn to be with Mike so it was convenient.  
  
  
  
"Rob... I just...", Brad shrugged. What there is to say? Of course he was lying. But not intentionally. He just wanted to be nice. But there was again the connection thing. He didn't know even himself anymore, so how could he know his friends?  
  
  
  
The drummer exhaled heavily after calming down. "It's okay. I know you were just trying to be casual. We'll get to that eventually."  
  
  
  
Brad draw his lips to a tight line and stared at the kids playing in the yard. His kids too. Elisa was there with them, being happy. Why shouldn't she be? It was enough that one person in the family was gloomy. And the kids didn't deserve it anyway. An important person in their lives was gone and even though they might not yet understand it, it did leave a huge gap behind, and would determine many things in their future. The thought made Brad shiver. On tiny action that webbed through their lives, affecting to all of their own actions.  
  
  
  
Mike was doing the exact same. Watching the kids play. It pained him that the kids were so innocent and still they had to deal with the same stuff the adults did. Just differently. Many of them  were at that age where they would understand all that circled around them and why some things happened in a way they did. And why Chester wasn't there anymore. Or rather what all reasons lead to it.  
  
  
  
"Rob I can stay too if you want", Brad sighed suddenly.  
  
  
  
The drummer turned to face him and shook his head. "It's okay." He honestly didn't want to be here, but it was now other thing to be with Mike. The emcee just stayed in his studio and was really quiet the most of the time. It was boring. But at least he had now some time to catch up with the books. And boring was better than drama.  
  
  
  
The guitarist squeezed his shoulder quickly and left then to join his wife. It was awkward to him, but he had decided that he wouldn't let their friendship fade just cause it was hard for them all. They would need time to get back to what they used to have.  
  
  
  
Mike ate the food that was offered to him. He drank some coke and watched as the candles were blown from the birthday cake. He communicated, and even managed to laugh genuinely at points. He tried to act normal. Everything was decent. One could say he was enjoying the time. He was reluctant to use that word but he could honestly say he didn't feel bad to be there. Not like he had initially thought.  
  
  
  
"Hey. Nice to see you here. The kids grow up fast don't they?" a guy said, standing there suddenly beside him. A common friend of the family and band, but they hadn't seen in several weeks. Of course. He hadn't seen anyone.  
  
  
  
"For sure. I feel like it was just yesterday when the first year birthday was. And it was already five year ago. Where did the time go?" he nodded smiling slightly.  
  
  
  
"It's amazing to see them grow up you know? The world is just a bad, scary place...", the other said shaking his head.  
  
  
  
Mike could easily agree to that. It wasn't unfamiliar thing to him at all.  
  
  
  
"Oh... I'm sorry what happened to Chester. It's sad that...", the guy continued but stopped then looking like he didn't know how to finish the sentence.  
  
  
  
 _Nice. Great timing. Why the fuck you need to bring it up here,_ Mike thought as his eyes followed the kids chasing each other down.  
  
  
  
"But it's great that you came. Despite that", the other said now.  
  
  
  
"Yeah, well... At least I'm alive", Mike mumbled.  
  
  
  
Only after then he realized that wasn't something he should have said. Just not funny. And it made sense only to them that knew what had happened to him. That he almost was dead too. The guy didn't answer. Didn't even shrug at him. Just pure silence fell between them. Till the point the other couldn't take it anymore and left him. Rob beside him wasn't paying attention but talking to another person. Which saved Mike from snide remarks. Other than his own ones. But he couldn't just leave. Not now, it would be too weird.  
  
  
  
Rob poked him, drawing his attention to himself. "What?" He could see Mike had suddenly shut down, crawling back inside his shell.  
  
  
  
"Nothing. I shouldn't have come", the half Asian sighed leaning back in the chair.  
  
  
  
"You know... It's not just what you feel. But people are happy to see you. Us all", Rob told him tilting his head. "And don't you think it's worth it? Like, at all? We can leave soon if you want to. I can make up some excuse, even though they all will know what is the actual cause. But Dave will surely understand. And I don't think the kids mind. Most important thing was that you still came. You know? Showed yourself here. The kids are smarter than we think."  
  
  
  
"Yeah. Maybe", Mike mumbled.  
  
  
  
 _Why is it so fucking hard? Everything. I'm still me. Here. But cause he isn't here, there's the weird silence._ _Everything feels weird, off. Why can't I get used to it? It's not going to change anytime soon,_ Mike thought staring at the scars that looked so gruesome in that sunny Californian afternoon. He was lucky that no one had noticed them. But cause they were so visible, he pondered were the people actually even looking. And thinking about that lead him to next thought. What about Anna? She hadn't seen them yet. What about the fans? If they would see them. Eventually they would. He couldn't wear long sleeved shirts in this weather.  
  
  
  
"Mike. We can go", Rob said noticing how he mood had changed even further from the calm cheeriness to this pondering gloominess.  
  
  
  
He just nodded. There was no point in saying the words out loud. They both knew it was hard for him. And even though Rob hadn't heard his awkward joke earlier, he could see right through him now.  
  
  
  
Rob went to exchange few words with Brad who glanced at Mike and nodded. Then they headed inside Mike trying to ignore the people looking at him. Cause they weren't looking at him the way he thought they were. Still, most likely.  
  
  
  
"You're leaving?" Dave arched his brows when they found him in the kitchen.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. See you tomorrow", Rob nodded.  
  
  
  
"Yup. Mike, it's okay. You came, I appreciate it", the bassist grabbed him to a hug.  
  
  
  
Mike swallowed hard. He didn't know what was the worst thing. That they cared so much. Or that he cared so much.  
  
  
  
Back at home he went straight to the studio. And stayed there until Rob came to tell him that there was dinner. After that he went to get ready for bed. Rob grabbed his book and decided to join. More cause of he was worried. Again. Mike hadn't said a single word on his own accord. Just answered the basic questions.  
  
  
  
And Mike was thinking about the day and it made him feel confused. He wasn't mad at the man. He had just been kind. And Mike knew perfectly well how weird it was to them. How hard to avoid the conversation. And maybe they thought that if they wouldn't bring it up, to express their condolences, he would think they are rude. That they didn't actually think about him. And Chester.  
  
  
  
"It was weird to be around people", Rob muttered when he tossed the blanket aside to climb under it.  
  
  
  
Mike turned to look at him and nodded slowly then. "Yeah. All these people continue their lives normally. Like nothing happened. Which they should. Totally should. I just don't feel like I fit there anymore. Though I am okay. I still don't see the fuss."  
  
  
  
"You really don't see it?" the other asked.  
  
  
  
The half Asian stared at him for a while and dropped then his gaze shaking his head.  
  
  
  
"I can't make you to see it. But I feel like you're in denial. It isn't that long ago when we thought you were about to die. So... It isn't like that, that we would forget it. I fear every single time when something unusual happens that you will crack again. I don't have to say it out loud, you know that. But you just don't see it yourself how fragile you are. How easily it can happen", Rob told him.  
  
  
  
He was sick of fighting. Exhausted. Mike had to realize himself that he wasn't yet on that stage for them to trust him completely again.  
  
  
  
"Right", Mike sighed. Maybe he didn't see it. Maybe he was in denial. Maybe he should listen to them when they told he wasn't fine. Lost of maybes and none of sure answers.  
  
  
  
He fell to his thoughts and Rob started to read. The drummer knew Mike wasn't stupid. He needed just the time to fight over the denial.  
  
  
  
"I think we need to do the tribute show we talked about some time ago. Just... you know. To honor him", Mike said after his mind started to get blurry. He was tired. Which was weird since he hadn't really done anything that day. It was just the fact that he had to try to control it all. That he was still in control.  
  
  
  
"We?"  
  
  
  
"Me and Dave."  
  
  
  
"Tribute show? And how the fuck are you going to handle that?" the other sighed.  
  
  
  
"I have to. We need to do it", Mike said his voice now barely audible.  
  
  
  
Rob tossed the book aside and closed the bedside table lamp. His brains couldn't handle the words anymore. Not now when there were so many questions suddenly appearing.  
  
  
  
"You are out of your mind."  
  
  
  
"Tell me something I don't know. But we still should do it", Mike shrugged knowing that Rob was absolutely right. But so was he himself.  
  
  
  
"So you're going to make more stress on yourself on top of this all. Just cause you need to do it?"  
  
  
  
"We. We need to do it", Mike glanced at him.  
  
  
  
"You know how hard it would be? I can't... I can't even see how it would happen", the other sighed. He knew Mike had already made his mind about it.  
  
  
  
"Yeah. Everything is."  
  
  
  
\--------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Every read, kudos and review mean a lot to me <3


	13. I got demons inside me so I'm faced with a choice

Mike sat on his couch squeezing the water bottle on his hand. He was beyond nervous, but on same time absolutely sure that it must be done. Dave sat next to him staring at Rob who seemed to know more than the rest. Joe looked like he didn't want to be there, his eyes fixated on Mike's scars. Brad was looking confused, frowning, on the other couch next to the deejay. He fiddled with his sleeve and crossed his legs when Dave sighed sounding impatient.

 

"So uhm... I talked about this with Dave some time ago", he started causing the bassist glance at him. Mike stopped swallowing thickly. "We should do a tribute show. For him."

 

They all stared at him and suddenly the room was cold and silent. Brad's and Rob's eyes turned to Dave who looked like he wanted to crawl under the table.

 

"What does that mean? Tribute? Like bands playing to honor him?" Joe asked tearing his eyes away from the scars at last.

 

"No. We would be playing", the half Asian answered.

 

"Is he high? He must be high", Brad mumbled looking at Dave, not believing that any of what came from Mike's mouth was actually real.

 

"Yeah we talked about it. I think it would be good. Just one show to honor him", the bassist nodded.

 

"Good?!" Brad gasped.

 

"I told you this is bad idea", Rob shook his head.

 

"You knew about this too? Since when you think you could exclude part of the band from such decisions?" Brad continued at Mike.

 

The drummer sighed. "It wasn't a decision. He told me that he had talked with Dave. That's it."

 

But as Brad stared at Mike he could see it really was a decision. The emcee was certain this a way to go.

 

"Do you have any idea what that would take? None of us are in the state to climb back on stage. Least you yourself! How do you... are you just gonna sing his parts? That would... Mike you're fucking insane!" Brad yelled at him.

 

"You really didn't even think it further. You just got the idea and now you're sure we have to do it", Joe said his voice low and gloomy.

 

"We need to do it. We owe him that", Mike sighed.

 

"The fuck Mike. Seriously this is too much. You can't actually think that we should, that we could get back on stage now, without one member", the guitarist dropped his head to his hands.

 

Joe groaned next to him. His mind wasn't keeping up with this. Even if they could do it, like mentally get to that state that it would be possible, he couldn't see how the show would actually be done. Mike couldn't sing Chester's parts, that was sure. They couldn't just change all songs to suit his vocals, that would be way too much work and then would defeat the purpose.

 

Dave shifted. He was probably only one that did have a chance to think about it further. It had seemed impossible first but the longer he had thought about it the more he thought it should be done. One show. To say goodbye with the fans together.

 

Rob was just staring at Mike. He had had a chance to think about it but he still thought Mike wasn't ready. They others maybe could be, but Mike not. He was scared that Mike would just lose it. It all reminded them about Chester so how could going back on stage be a good idea? He got chills when he thought about sitting behind the drums and the mic stand empty in the front of the stage.

 

"I still think we should. I could do some songs, but maybe ask from our friends? I can see many wanting to participate. It's just one night. A closure", Mike mumbled. He had anticipated to get a rejection, but how hard it was, was a surprise to him. Brad looked like he was about to lunge at him and Joe looked at him his eyes filled with disappointment which Mike didn't get at all.

 

"It's not a good idea. It still is even though you make yourself believe it is", Joe mumbled rubbing his neck.

 

"He is fucking delusional. Nothing more", Brad stared at Mike deadpan.

 

"Okay, let's do this. Explain how do you think it would go", Dave suggested. He didn't want them to argue but as Mike seemed to really have made up his mind there was no way they could just randomly fight it as the others were against the idea. They needed reasoning. And a real plan if they would do it.

 

Mike turned to look at him and exhaled heavily. The way he had imagined it happen was pretty simple. It just needed a lot of planning and he couldn't do it all alone. Even if he wanted to. "First... We need to decide how. I was thinking of choosing vocalists that could make it."

 

"No one can. No one can sing like Chester so that's just stupid. Mike they are our songs. Made to work with his voice and style", Brad shook his head. He wasn't having any of this.

 

"I know. That's why we need to start it asap so we could get the people I was thinking. And we need to rehearse. And we need to think when and where and... Yeah", the emcee mumbled.

 

"And then what? You think that we just hop on the stage and play a show? And people? You mean more than one singer?" Joe asked.

 

"Yeah. Like... our friends. I can see many of our friends would want to do it. To celebrate him."

 

"You're just... You live in a lie if you think you are ready for that", Brad stated.

 

Joe glanced at the guitarist. He could see how tense he was, still fiddling with his sleeve. "Yeah, so... What if it was possible? We get the people and all settled. What then? What are you going to do when one of us crumbles down? It's the most likely outcome. I don't really see any other way."

 

"Hey, have a little faith in him. He is trying", Dave sighed causing Rob to glance at him.

 

Brad shook his head. "Sure yeah. You can say that it's trying. I call it escaping. You haven't even seen a therapist. You hardly talk to Anna. You haven't talked Jason since last time. Talinda has tried to call but you don't answer the phone. How can we have faith in your healing when you don't open up? We all know what you feel, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't say it out loud."

 

Rob leaned back on the couch wondering where did it go wrong. Brad and Mike argued now more than ever. He could see Brad was hurt and scared, but what if Mike was really getting better. If Brad was the one holding him down and not letting to move forward. He was really on the verge. Unsure was it really like that or was Mike actually just trying to bury the feelings with all this stuff to do.

 

"So you are saying it is impossible to do?" Mike swallowed mostly just directing his words to Brad. He knew the guitarist too well. Brad was mad at him. Mad cause he even dared to think about such thing.

 

"I don't think it's impossible", Rob sighed. "But it's not smart. It really isn't Mike."

 

"I get what you think. But I still... I am sure it would be good. One show. To celebrate him. Maybe we would need that to get forward", the half Asian raked his hair.

 

"For fuck's sake Mike. I am done. I can't deal with this stupid shit when you have apparently already decided that your head can handle it", Brad groaned and got to his feet.

 

Dave sighed heavily and glanced at Mike who seemed sad now. "Brad please."

 

"No. Really just no. I can't. I don't want to pick up the pieces again", the guitarist threw his hands in the air.

 

Same time Mike's phone started to ring startling them all. Mike chewed his lip reluctant to even look who it was.

 

"Just answer the phone. You can't hide for ever. Especially if you think such show is a good idea", Brad mumbled sarcastically and left the house.

 

Rob rolled his eyes really fed up with all the drama. Brad needed to get over it. He understood why it was hard but they couldn't live like this forever either. The fighting was too much for him. Seeing his friends like that.

 

The half Asian picked up his phone while he stared at the closed door. He couldn't be mad at Brad, but he was disappointed the guitarist didn't even stop to ponder it.

 

"Oh! Hi! Sorry I was surprised that you actually answered", Ryan said on the other side of the line, sounding nervous.

 

"Hi. Yeah..."

 

"I was thinking... I am close to your house. Can I drop by?"

 

"Oh... Well okay, why not. The guys are here too. Well except Brad, he just left."

 

"Great. I'll be there in few."

 

Mike placed the phone back on the table feeling the anxiousness spread throughout him. One of the people he hadn't talked with, even though he should have.

 

"It was Ryan. He is coming here."

 

"Do you want us to leave or?" Rob shrugged. He was positive Mike was at the state he could handle it alone, but they were still on watch so anyway he wouldn't remain totally alone with Ryan.

 

"Nah, it's fine", Mike nodded trying a tiny smile on his lips.

 

"Well I need to go though. Heidi is waiting already. But I'm expecting call later. See you in few days", Joe said.

 

While Joe changed few words with the bassist Mike leaned back on the couch rubbing his neck. He had no idea what he should say to Ryan, but lying about what he had done to himself, what he had tried, wasn't his ideal of how things should be dealt with.

 

Soon Ryan was sitting next to him a glass of sparkling water on his hand. Rob was on the other side of the room reading while Dave had went to make the dinner preparations.

 

"So..."

 

"So...", Mike swallowed thickly. Neither of them knew how to start the conversation. Both were nervous, reluctant. Only one word was swirling in their minds and neither of them really wanted to blurt it. Mike the least, after the encounter at the birthday party.

 

"Glad that you answered the phone man. Have missed you", Ryan nodded.

 

Mike gave a nod back sipping from the water bottle he was still fiddling with nervously. The label was already torn as his fingers dig under it.

 

"How you been doing? I know that's a stupid question but there's really no way around it. I still want to know."

 

The half Asian was about to answer, but he remembered Brad's speech that he shouldn't use the word when it really wasn't true. So he stayed quiet a while, thinking how should he decipher the mess inside his mind to words that were easily understood. The task seemed weird and impossible, but he decided to try.

 

"Bad. And decent. And okay. Now I am mostly okay, but afraid it's just a phase."

 

"I get it. Do you want to tell what happened? Tal told me some but she was cryptic", Ryan shrugged. He tried to avoid the conversation about Chester but it went there automatically. They both knew how hard it was, but even thought about not saying out loud how much he missed his friend seemed weird.

 

"I... was a mess. I got too drunk and then I just couldn't take it anymore. I smashed a vodka bottle in shower. By accident. I just fell", Mike started. Then he had to add an explanation, since didn't know how much Tal had actually told to. Or how much Anna had told to Tal initially. "I was in hotel. Couldn't be here. Then I just... yeah, I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted the pain to stop. You know, all the thoughts. The blaming, anger, sorrow, confusion. I couldn't believe he was gone. And I didn't want to continue without him. So I drank some more and then took a glass shard and... well you know what you do with sharp glass."

 

"Fuck... I didn't know it was that bad. Don't get me wrong though, I understand. Just... man", Ryan shook his head.

 

"Yeah. It was that bad. I couldn't really even feel the pain or that I was actually going to die. Brad found me just in the last minutes I got told. They pumped my stomach and stitched me up then in the hospital", Mike mumbled the words and moved his arms just by instinct. He wasn't actually trying to hide them, but the talk about it felt weird. Like they were itching.

 

Ryan just stayed silent, staring him. He was shocked but didn't want to show it. And hearing this told like Mike was, sitting there cross-legged and hanging his head low, was making him even more happy that he didn't actually succeed. It somehow was more true than before. That Mike had just almost died too.

 

"That fucking hurts", he finally said.

 

Mike couldn't tell was it like that Ryan was blaming him, or just pure pain that he had almost lost another friend. He looked sad but his eyes were digging deeper, like they were studying him and trying to find more answers.

 

"So yeah... And then I opened the other wound later but that was... I wasn't drunk but I think I just lost it momentarily. Just utter insanity", he shrugged not having anything to defend his actions. It was stupid. It was so stupid and still it was too real. Too close still, squeezing his heart.

 

"Shit man. That's...", Ryan sighed.

 

Mike nodded and ran his fingers through his hair. "I know. But yeah. That's the story. Not really much to say than that it was on the spur of the drunken moment. I was insane cause of the sorrow and... just didn't think. The pain was too much."

 

"I am happy you didn't... that Brad was there on time. I think I owe him for saving your life in a way", the other smiled. How can you say that you are glad that someone is still alive? That you fell to pieces when your friend killed himself and you couldn't have taken another hit like that without ending to an asylum. Is glad even a proper word for that? It seemed such understatement to him.

 

"Yeah, I know. But honestly I think I am passed that. Not that I wouldn't want the pain end but I tried to think it... like how I feel that he isn't here anymore. That you would feel that too. And surely Anna and the kids. And the fans. Oh my god... I just shortly visited Twitter and everyone... they are so utterly sad. It's really outpouring and I just had to get away. Not that I wouldn't appreciate their caring, but it was just so much. And all the pictures and tagging me and the band. So so much", the emcee inhaled heavily.

 

"Oh yeah... I have seen that. There's so much love that it really does feel overwhelming. Amir sent me just few tweets that made him smile. But it takes time for people to adjust to the feeling that he isn't here anymore. I don't want to believe it either so I don't wonder why it is so hard for the fans. But I think you should drop by and just leave a tiny comment. People are really worried. None of you guys are active and since he is gone it's... it's like this weird void. I think they would need some reassuring that it's all going to be okay", Ryan smiled.

 

Mike chewed his lip thinking about that. Ryan was right, he knew it. But he was still scared to face it all. "Okay. I will. When... yeah, I need to think about it. Uhm... So maybe I could ask you something?"

 

"Sure, anything", Ryan nodded and shifted against the couch cushions.

 

"I thought that... Fuck. I was thinking about a tribute show. Like, we get on stage and play a show for the fans. I haven't figured out any details yet but I would love to have some friends there. I can't sing our songs... you know they were written for his voice. And I would rather it be a celebration than just us playing a show", the emcee told suddenly feeling nervous again.

 

"Sure we will be there!" Ryan shrugged like it was obvious.

 

Mike let out a laughter shaking his head. "I was actually just going to ask how do you feel about the idea. But okay. That's awesome. The others didn't take it as well so..."

 

"Give them time. Just... Plan it. Make sure you have all possible issues tackled so you are ready then. I figure it won't be easy but... just don't try to handle it alone. Have you talked with Anna about it? Or Tal? She wants to help too I am sure!"

 

The other rubbed his face. "Not that far yet. I need... I want them to get used to the idea first before I spread it around."

 

"Okay. Well, we are ready. Just tell me what, where and when and if you need help. Always here. You know that. God I told it so many... ah forget it. I don't want to end this conversation there. I should get going anyway", Ryan shook his head vigorously.

 

"And so did I", Mike raised his eyebrow and gave him a meaningful look. They could all lie how much they wanted, but the truth was that they had all been there in the best way they knew. It just hadn't been enough.

 

Ryan just nodded and sighed while he got up. "But so that you know, man. I don't need to say it out loud but I want to. We are here. Just call me. Don't shut down."

 

The half Asian bit his lip. Uncomfortable cause of the attention. And cause the truth was that if he really wanted to follow Chester he would find the way. Ryan knew it too. But he was also right. They were there. He just needed the means to not fall back there anymore. He thought he was past that darkness, but it was still hunting. Chasing him down. He just had to be careful.

 

Ryan hugged him and left and Mike just stayed there, standing in the middle of his living room. It wasn't that he was falling now. But he was scared that he might. Cause he didn't have any idea what would be a thing that would be the final push. And that made him think again was Brad right and the memorial show wasn't a good idea. But something in his heart told it that it was a way to go. That maybe it really would be the closure.

 

"Dinner is... whoa. Are you okay?" Dave asked from the doorway. Rob had disappeared at some point and Dave was staring straight at him.

 

"Yeah. Was just thinking", Mike answered shrugging and followed Dave to the kitchen.

 

"You think a lot."

 

"I do. But it also helps", the emcee mumbled.

 

Rob joined them soon and kept his eyes on Mike. He was still on the edge cause of the talk about the memorial show and Brad's rejection. Sitting across the half Asian he glanced at Dave now who was handing Mike his plate.

 

"How? Analyzing too much can lead to... well you know. You tear stuff apart and then build it back up and then it isn't anymore real. Not the truth", Dave said as Mike picked up the fork.

 

The emcee stared at the plate pondering before he opened his mouth again. "Yeah that too. But sometimes you manage to build up the solution. Or maybe not the solution, but the tool to make it."

 

"I get that. But you have just managed to get gloomy before. Remember? It wasn't long time ago since you just stared into the space and didn't speak. And I assume you were thinking then cause you can't just shut your brains off", Dave nodded.

 

"I wish I could. I really wish. But I have to go with what I have. So... I try to make some sense with my thoughts", the half Asian sighed.

 

Rob tilted his head letting it all sink in. He realized Brad was actually wrong. Mike was advancing. But now, he needed Brad to realize it. Maybe he even did, but he was just as scared as them all that it would happen again. That the grief would swallow Mike and they couldn't help him.

 

\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. It means a world to me. Kudos and reviews are also appreciated. Love you all.


	14. Knowing there's an explanation, an expiration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A tiny bit of a content warning, not too bad I hope though.

\--------  
  
  
Time passed. It didn't really matter to Mike anymore. It was just time. What did matter was that Brad wasn't talking to him. He himself had progressed with the music, but Brad, his best friend, wasn't there to share it. And it wasn't that the others wouldn't support him, but he needed Brad. It had just lately hit him how much he really needed Brad to be there; when he wasn't. And the fact that if only Brad would be his normal self he would certainly reassure him and help to get through that haunting feeling of fear. He didn't know where it was going or what it even was supposed to be.  
  
  
 _Am I even allowed to do this?_ he thought as Dave brought him a cup of coffee. He was sitting in the studio, working with another song again.  
  
  
"Fuck... I miss him so much", the words came now out audible. Weirdly talking about Chester, but also about Brad.  
  
  
Dave stopped to listen. It had been ages since Mike had last time said that out loud, but he knew perfectly well that it was the first thing on his mind.  
  
  
"It just... I know we can never go back how it used to be. That he isn't coming back. Which is why this is so stupid. But I would give anything to hear him once more. Just once more."  
  
  
"I know. It sucks. And me too. We will miss him forever. It's not going to just stop when there's certain time passed, you know? It just changes its shape. And we have to deal with it", Dave answered.  
  
  
"Could you... I would want to talk to Brad. He doesn't answer my calls and...", the half Asian rubbed his neck.  
  
  
"I can call him. You really should talk. But not... about the tribute show idea. It will just make him more pissed", the other sighed heavily. Brad wasn't ready to deal with it and Dave thought he probably never would be. But the idea had grown into him and he thought it would be a proper way to celebrate Chester. They had talked with Mike briefly how it should be done and seemed like Mike had really thought it through.  
  
  
"But he has to talk about that. Eventually", Mike stated and gave Dave the look he knew perfectly well already.  
  
  
"Right...", Dave sighed, "I'm gonna call him. Dinner is ready in a few too."  
  
  
Mike watched over his shoulder as the bassist left and turned then back to the keyboard. Cause whatever it was, the music was flowing out and he felt like it was helping. Some way, it was helping even though it same time felt so heavy.  
  
  
After a while, Dave called him from downstairs and he left to eat the dinner that was still made for him, even though he still thought he didn't need a babysitter anymore. At least it gave him time to concentrate on the music and the painting that he still did on the silent hours on the morning with a steaming cup of coffee. Also, the others liked that he actually ate and didn't forget it, as they said he probably would otherwise. Despite that, the food was still just something to keep him alive, and not really something to enjoy. Slowly he was getting used to the idea that maybe someday it would be that again.  
  
  
"I called. He will be here soon. Sounded super annoyed. You know him", Dave sighed and gave him a plate that had some kind of sauce and chicken with broccoli.  
  
  
"Yeah well... It's not like he could just avoid the whole subject", Mike rolled his eyes.  
  
  
"And what do you think you will achieve if you just push your own idea?" the other sat on the other side of the table and picked up the fork.  
  
  
Mike glanced at him while he shoved a piece of chicken in his mouth. After chewing the piece trying to find the flavor that he knew should have been there he swallowed and sighed, "He is just being Brad. He'll come around eventually."  
  
  
"Still. Is it worth it?"  
  
  
"You mean... That he will reluctantly do it? I would say it is. Cause it isn't for us, but mostly for the fans. They need to say goodbye too", the half Asian explained.  
  
  
"I can see that but since Brad thinks you are not ready it won't be easy. I just... I hope you won't cause a fight. Cause it isn't easy for him either. Or any of us. I am sure I am the only one actually comfortable of the idea to get back on the stage. And even still it's just an idea. I don't know would I actually make it. Or what would happen after. We don't even know would the fans like it. It's just... It's an idea inside your head right now. Nothing more", Dave said. He wanted Mike to realize that it sounded good only cause Mike had played the scene that way in his head.  
  
  
Mike was about to object but he didn't know how. Dave was still right, even though it was his right. He himself thought that it would be hard but they would still make it. And that it still was the right thing to do. His right thing.  
  
  
And as Brad came and was staring him arms crossed on his chest, refusing to sit down, he was even more sure it had to be done. He leaned against the backrest and pushed his coffee cup on the table. Coffee before and after the dinner. At least coffee tasted like it had always tasted.  
  
  
"So, what? What is it now?"  
  
  
"You're just being stubborn Brad. You know this would be a good thing", Mike raised his eyebrow.  
  
  
"And you're still being delusional. It might be a good thing for others but what about us? What about you? Like I said, you're not ready", Brad shook his head deadpan.  
  
  
"But I think I am. So maybe you should trust me?" the half Asian insisted.  
  
  
"I can't help you Mike if you're doing this to yourself. My capacity is already at it's limits and... What if you just fall apart again? Do you seriously wish that so much that you push yourself deliberately in it? I feel like I am enabler! What next? Do you want me to find you a rope perhaps? Or do you prefer a knife?"  
  
  
"Stop! Brad just stop it!" Mike cried out desperately.  
  
  
 _God fucking dammit why does he have to be so crude?_  
  
  
"That it fucking feels like! You don't have any idea how painful this is to watch! It's like a car wreck! I know how it will end but I can't stop it cause you don't let me help. I don't even know who you are anymore", Brad continued the yelling and Mike just had to pull his legs to his chest like it would somehow protect him from the harsh words.  
  
  
"Well, I'm not even me anymore... My identity is suddenly compromised cause Linkin Park is, well has always been, me. Part of me. And not just the band and what it was but Chester. He was part of me too. Everything I once was, I am not anymore. So I am not me anymore. I could always rely on that he was there. And now he isn't. He isn't here anymore and I have to try to deal with this... what the fuck am I even anymore. But that's what I have left", he answered mumbling the words out.  
  
  
"So then? Do you think that the solution is to figure it out by tearing yourself apart?" the guitarist threw his arms in the air.  
  
  
"No I...", Mike started. He could see Brad wasn't going to back down, but he wasn't going to either.  
  
  
"And then I have to pick up the pieces again. If you survive. Do you want to hear once again how hard it was?" Brad frowned and shifted.  
  
  
"No. I am fucking tired to the feeling that I can't control this. That no matter what I do something happens. So let me do that okay? The one thing I know how to control. I can't stop. I have to stay in motion or... If I don't it all will just... yeah crumble", the emcee stated.  
  
  
Brad stopped to stare at him. He was so angry that it took some time to register what was coming out from his friend's mouth. And now staring was the only thing he could do anymore.  
  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?" Mike finally gave in. Brad seemed like it was bugging him. "I know we kinda have but... it has been more like you yelling at me than actual conversation."  
  
  
"Kay", Brad exhaled heavily and finally sat down next to him. Pulling his legs up he turned sideways on the couch facing the other and crossed them.  
  
  
"I am sorry. I know it's just a word but I really am. And I also should have known then better. Cause it's... Cause you had to deal with it again. With the same exact thing that pushed me to the point in the first place. I get it. And I know that my inebriated state isn't in any way an excuse but I just couldn't think clearly anymore. The grief was too heavy and then that on top of it. I wasn't thinking. At all. I just ignored all thoughts that tried to arise. The ones that normally would have made me realize how fucking stupid it was", Mike explained biting his lip.  
  
  
 _God this is horrible. I can't even talk about it properly cause I keep thinking was that what Chester went through in his head before it._  
  
  
"Yeah... Can you imagine how... oh you can cause you dreamt about it right? Finding him. Think about if it had been real. Think about you being me founding you. First, you didn't answer the phone and then it wasn't even connected. When I realized what it most likely meant I panicked and was afraid that I would be late. Which I almost was. Sad to say but we knew his past and that this could have been possible. Even when it was all... fine. I fucking hate that word", he had to pause to inhale. The lump on his throat was reminding him that it had really been way too close.  
  
  
"But you... you have never been that kind of person. You had always had the control. None of us thought the possibility that you would actually do it. And there you were bleeding. Fuck... You were bleeding so much that at first, I didn't know where. The towel was soaked and my hands just slipped on your arms when I tried to find the wound and stop it. You weren't moving or reacting to anything and then you started to close your eyes. I didn't even connect it first to the blood loss but... The paramedics took way too long and that was when I realized I am really going to lose you if they don't hurry. You too. And I couldn't even comprehend what it would actually mean. I was too scared and freaked out to cry so I just yelled. I tried to get you to open your eyes and stay conscious", he continued but had to stop then again. The memory was just too much to bear.  
  
  
Mike stopped to digest the words. Of course he could imagine what it had been like. It wasn't that hard. But really hearing it like that, and the cutting pain in Brad's voice wasn't making it easy. He tried to concentrate on the breathing, cause now it felt like it was all falling over him. The guilt was eating him, and he was sure there would never be a day that he could apologize enough that he had caused all that Brad had to go through. And Brad mostly, because he had been there. And he would have blamed himself if he wouldn't have arrived in time. The thought was so surreal, cause that was exactly what he had wanted then. The pain to stop and the others to find him when it was too late.  
  
  
"I... I heard you. Somewhat. But I was already numb and passing out. Couldn't keep my eyes open. It was really weird. I didn't know what was happening. I thought it was the vodka but then there was so much blood. I didn't know it was me though. Didn't then even care really cause it was just drowning me. Right then I had already gave in. When I slipped in the shower and the bottle broke I was still thinking. Then I drank some more to silence the thoughts that were yelling at me. Then I first picked up the shard... it was like someone was telling me to do it. And then it all just went so quickly. It started as a whim but then I just... let it be. I couldn't even remember why my heart was hurting so badly anymore. Which was a bliss. First it was buried under the physical pain but then I couldn't feel it either. After nausea there was only the numbness and that's pretty much all I remember. Besides you yelling words I couldn't recognize and the blood that somehow had appeared", Mike shrugged not really knowing how to say it all. Ofcourse it had been a mistake. But the pain that had lead to the bad decision hadn't disappeared anywhere. It wasn't as sharp anymore, but it was still there.  
  
  
They both fell silent, neither having any words left to say of that matter. Mike was sorry that he had caused so much more pain than they really could handle but were then forced to anyway. And Brad was sorry that he didn't see it coming. Again. That he wasn't there when he was needed.  
  
  
"So... I am sorry Brad. I am so fucking sorry that I caused so much trouble. I hope you will forgive me. I am trying. I really am. Please, don't give up on me", Mike swallowed thickly. It hurt. Just saying it out loud, begging like that, hurt.  
  
  
Brad sighed deeply. He wished so much that he could forgive the other. But he couldn't. Maybe he cared too much to take that leap. Cause it would have to also mean that he would have to trust the other completely.  
  
  
"I can't Mike. Not yet", the guitarist mumbled and pulled the other to a hug. "Someday. We'll get there."  
  
  
After a long while, when Mike realized his face was wet from tears Brad released the grip and sighed deeply.  
  
  
"So. About the memorial show. I know already I am going to regret this. Are you sure we should do it?"  
  
  
Mike was too surprised to do anything else than just nod.  
  
  
"Okay. Fuck. I don't say no then yet. I know you too well. I know you can be stubborn, controlling asshole, but I love you and if you feel like we should do it then I am listening. But with only one condition", Brad said. He didn't know when was the point he decided to give up but he knew that there wouldn't be any progress if they would just protect Mike forever from everything.  
  
  
The other nodded again, afraid that he would say something stupid that would turn it upside down again.  
  
  
"If something happens and you regress again, we are canceling everything. Even if it all goes well till that point, I don't care. So you should take a long hard conversation with yourself that are you ready to it. You say you are, and I think you are not. But we won't be sure if we don't try. So this is me now trying to give in and trust again. A little. I can't give more", Brad said dead serious. He was terribly afraid that they would fail, but life was all about taking risks. At least now he was expecting for it all to fall apart again.  
  
  
"Okay. I can do that."  
  
  
"And then also another thing. Talk. Just fucking talk. You can yell at me if you feel bad. You know I rather take that than the gloomy staring and silence. That you won't go to see a professional isn't a good thing either but I can't make you. But at least I can beg you to share it with us. Literally anything."  
  
  
"Okay. I can try", Mike answered chewing his lip.  
  
  
 _Why was it so hard to talk about it when it was so easy to get down on lyrics?_  
  
  
"So. I am not saying yes either, but we could see how it would work and what people would be interested", Brad continued with the final words. He was already unsure of the decision. Trusting Mike even just a tiny bit after it all was harder than ever.  
  
  
Dave decided this wathe s perfect time to interrupt their talk, which he had witnessed from the kitchen. He was so glad that Brad had taken a step forward, but same time scared that Mike was going to disappoint them all. Or was it even disappointment when they all secretly expected the failure? Rather get ready for that, than fall into some false belief that it would just all go well from this point on.  
  
  
"Hey. Would you want to stay? Mike could show some songs he has been working on", he said trying to reassure Mike same time too. Brad should hear what Mike had achieved cause they were turning out to real songs, and weren't anymore just stream of consciousness.  
  
  
"You have? More songs? What does it mean?" Brad raised his eyebrow. Sure he knew that Mike had always turned to the art when there were difficult times, but somehow this was proceeding faster than he would have thought. It was another scary thing.  
  
  
"I still don't know. But it helps. You know, with the stuff that's in my head that I can't talk about with you", Mike mumbled and shrugged.  
  
  
Brad turned his gaze from Mike to Dave and then back. "Okay. Yeah, I could stay. But that means Dave you're going home. No need for two of us here. Right Mike?" He just wanted to make sure Mike realized he wasn't playing with his previous talk.  
  
  
The emcee nodded and Dave took that gladly. Sure there would have been only night ahead before he would have been able to leave anyway, but he was glad to spend the night at home with his wife and kids. It also reminded him about Anna and Mike's kids and how much they probably missed him. But if Mike wasn't ready to have them back, then there was really nothing he could do. He wished that this what had happened now between Brad and Mike would be one step forward to that point too.  
  
  
When Dave had left they went to the studio and Mike played every song that was almost ready and the ones that were just ideas. Brad listened patiently without saying a single word in between. As Mike was done he felt empty. Terribly empty, but there was something slowly brewing inside him. It was a weird feeling. It didn't feel bad like anything else this far. They didn't talk about it. Mike could see Brad needed some time to adjust to all that he had just heard.  
  
  
As they were in bed an hour later Mike exhaled heavily as Brad turned the bedside table lamp off. He was overwhelmed and tired. And also scared. Cause now Brad was maybe comfortable of the idea of the memorial, but there was still Rob and Joe. Dave wasn't hundred percent sure thing either. And what if Talinda said that she doesn't want it? What if they don't get anyone to sing? What if he has to do it all?  
  
  
"Do you... still see that thing? You know, the shadow or what ever it was?" Brad asked suddenly.  
  
  
"Yeah... I think it's always here but I don't see it that often. Just... like in the corner of my eye or touch that I think I imagined", Mike answered. He had the feeling often that he was being watched. But it wasn't scaring him. It was more like it was supposed to be that way.  
  
  
Brad just nodded, even though he knew Mike couldn't see it now. "And the voice?"  
  
  
"Still there yeah. Calling me when I least expect it."  
  
  
"So it has to be him right?"  
  
  
"Has to. You know I tried to rationalize it in every way possible. But... yeah."  
  
  
Brad nodded again.  
  
  
"I know it's weird. I wish he could hear me now."  
  
  
"I bet he does", Brad answered and couldn't help the warm feeling that spread on his heart. Just cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.  
  
  
 _Right?_  
  
  
\--------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. It means more to me than you can ever imagine. As well as the kudos and reviews. Love you all.


	15. But I think about what I'm supposed to do and I don't know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. So, you might guess what's the next step. Hope I managed to do some justice.

 

When the day finally arrived, Mike could only look back to those hours of practicing. All the stress, frustration and tears. The moments when he thought he should give up. When he was sure he wasn't going to make it. And today he had woken up early, just cause he couldn't sleep. Hours to go, still. And he wasn't ready. But he knew he was never going to be, and that it still had to be done. To make Chester proud.

 

  
Brad had finally come around to the idea. Really Mike should have thanked Talinda about it, who thought the idea was good and instantly wanted to help. After that rest was easy. The work began quickly after they were unanimous. To find the guests wasn't a hard task since Mike already knew what he wanted. Rehearsing for countless hours was what had torn them. The first time they went to rehearse without Chester was like all the wounds that had barely even closed yet were being ripped open again. It hurt. It hurt like hell and when they finally ended the day they all headed to their homes changing only a few quiet words and then didn't speak to each other for two whole days. That was the longest they could do before they had to get back to rehearsing.

  
"Hey, you want coffee?" Dave said as he got downstairs.

  
Mike glanced at his wristwatch. Like there would have been suddenly more time passed. Like it hadn't been just ten minutes since he last looked it.

  
"Yeah."

  
Dave was there with him. Mostly just making sure he didn't bail. Cause even though he wanted it so much, and continued to second-guess himself and the decision, he had to remember all the thoughts that had let to it. And canceling all now would have been just a way to disappoint everyone. Even when none of them really knew what was coming.

  
It all had gone as planned. They all were scared and skeptical but then surprised when nothing major came up. Tiny things that really wouldn't even matter drove Mike to his breaking point but apart from his bursting bouts of anger they were even more surprised that he didn't fall apart. Snapping at Anna and Brad and then apologizing later was the pattern for past weeks. He knew it wasn't their fault that it was hard for them. And they knew the snapping was unpreventable. At many nights he was so exhausted that he couldn't sleep. His brains just wouldn't shut down when all he could think was that how could he make it perfect.

  
"Did new song. And some video. The fucking car horn is on the tape now", he stated and grabbed the mug.

  
"Oh?"

  
"Well just like... verse or something", he sighed. Same time it felt like it was a big deal and same time as it was just normal brain function. To get the stuff out.

  
"You won't do it again then?"

  
"Nuh. One take, that's final."

  
"Okay", Dave nodded. He knew that it was Mike's thing. But he still didn't really know how to react to that. Especially today. Or maybe it was because of today? Maybe Mike needed to vent. Maybe he needed to dismantle his thoughts to get himself to the state where he could operate normally. He watched as the emcee sipped his coffee looking somewhat disarrayed.

  
"So we are good to go now? No more changes from Tal either?", the bassist asked pondering was it okay to talk about the show, or the opposite- to avoid the talk.

  
"Yeah. I just want to get there. Just... to finish it", Mike swallowed hard nausea spreading over him.  _Maybe the coffee wasn't a good idea_ , he thought staring the black liquid.

  
"And Anna is with her?" the other asked. He knew that the kids weren't going to be home for a few days, but he didn't know all the details.

  
"Yeah."

  
 _Lots of yeahs today_ , Dave thought and sighed. He could see Mike was lost in the whirlwind of his thoughts, just trying to keep himself together.

  
"And I am... just for a second, I forget. I get lost in the confusion and I forget. Just... And then I am about to ask when is he going to be there. And then I realize, before the words even leave my mouth", the half Asian said, still staring to the liquid.

  
Dave held his breath. Just by instinct. It was still so weird. To do everything differently, not like they were used to. Especially when there were suddenly strange people with them. Everything was organized and perfectly in its place but it still felt like it was chaos.

  
"I get that. So, do you want to leave soon or rather stay here? I know Brad is coming just before it, avoiding all the hassle", he said, clearing his throat. He didn't really know how to answer to Mike's words. He had had the exact same thing happen. Just out of nowhere.

  
"We could go soon. I just don't like to stay here and do nothing. Feels awkward", Mike mumbled the answer wiping the corner of his eye. If it was a tear it wasn't there anymore.

  
Dave nodded watching as the other sipped the coffee again. No matter how well he knew Mike he couldn't really read him. Not on these past few days. Or maybe it was the fact that there seemed to be so many emotions that he couldn't pick up any single one. "Half an hour?"

  
The emcee returned the nod and glanced at the clock again.  _Half an hour. I can do that, right?_

  
Soon he was at the venue. Inside, after greeting the fans. They were sad, emotional. Telling him how much they loved Chester. And the band. That he had saved them. But he had to contain himself. He couldn't break down. Not now, not on stage. Time was still moving so slowly, but his anxiousness had increased. In a few hours, he would get back on the stage. Just the five of them. And the guests. The guests that were part of why he hadn't canceled the whole thing. They were helping him to concentrate.

  
Joe was there already talking to Jim. At least Joe looked calm, which was certainly going to be a good thing. If only it would last. Mike bit his lip trying to get nausea to calm down. So many people, so many expressions. Everyone trying to avoid looking at him, but still doing it when he wasn't. He wanted to scream. He wanted to say that he was mistaken and this wasn't a good idea after all. But he also knew that it was. It had to be done. Maybe they didn't all like the idea but it was a closure. And it was that for the fans too.

  
"Mike. You need to eat", Rob said, suddenly there beside him.

  
"Do I look like it? Or do I look like I can?" Mike snapped just not even thinking it.

  
Rob sighed cause he knew perfectly well that his friend was barely holding on and that he wasn't trying to be mean. That was just all the stress, the horrible amount of stress, forming into words and actions. "Yeah. You do look like you need to eat."

  
The emcee grunted a response but realized then that Rob was probably right. It was several hours since he had last eaten and there would be many more until he would get a chance. Obeying the drummer he sat soon down with a salad. Poking the salad leaves and chicken with his fork he fought nausea that was trying to attack him once again. People passed him, now many not paying attention to him. Too busy to really notice him. His state of mind. After he had gotten third of the chicken salad down he had to give up.

  
"Everything is done. Ready", Joe came to him.

  
"Yeah. I'm not."

  
"None of us are. But you know we will get through it? You know that", Joe patted his shoulder.

  
Minutes passed. Many frustrating minutes. And soon the minutes had become hours. It was closer, too close for them to get back on the stage. Mike ran to the bathroom a third time in the hour but the puking had changed already to retching a long time ago. Even the freaking lettuce had come out. Leaning his forehead to the cold tiles on the bathroom he stared at himself in the mirror. He could have looked worse. He washed his face with ice cold water and inhaled deeply. After counting to twenty he lifted his head to look himself again. Then he raked his hair and made sure it was perfect and headed back out.

  
Brad had come, which meant there was only a little time left. The guitarist was staring at him. A look that told it will all be going to be okay. Behind that, barely visible was the anger. Brad was still mad at him. Mad cause he had caused all the grief on top of what they were trying to get through. Mad cause he had forced them to this. Mad cause he himself had agreed to it. Mad cause he finally realized how important it was. Even if he hated the idea.

  
"Ten!" Jim yelled startling the whole room of people. The normal delightful smile on his face had now changed to a worried frown.

  
Mike felt his stomach turn around but there was no time for second-guessing. Not anymore. Dave squeezed his arm, just in time to stop him from running back to the bathroom. He gasped and glanced at the other. It would be over soon. Three hours and then it would be done. Just a fraction of lifetime. Not enough to celebrate Chester. Nothing would be. But this could the starting point.

  
"Hey, remember we are supposed to have fun too. Celebrate his life. Not mourn his death. We have done a lot of that and it won't end just like that. But this day is to celebrate", Dave said like he had read his mind.

  
He nodded and noticed Brad's thin fingers on his shoulder as they walked further, closer and closer to the stage. They all were there with him. He wasn't alone. He was never alone. Pushing his cap on his head he straightened his jean jacket and the pin that would be visible in the cameras. That too. Like all his actions and facial features. Every tiny detail they would notice. Everything he did was going to be judged. Either good or bad.

  
And then it started. Before he even realized he was starting the intro. He felt like choking already, his voice giving up on places but he pushed it aside. So far that he could actually concentrate on the show. The first few songs went like they went. He was struggling but thought that maybe no one heard it. Sip from the tea and another song. It was just a start and it was tearing him apart. He had to keep his eyes closed a lot. Or downcast. He didn't want to see the crowd. They were crying.

  
At the end of Roads Untraveled was the first part when he did have to really force himself that he wouldn't have broken down into tears. But the crowd felt it too. Every single word pulling their heartstrings. Some more than others. And he knew what was the next part. They didn't. When the stage got darkened he let out a desperate gasp. It was just the start. Still, just the start and he wasn't handling it like he thought he would. His mind yelled at him to push through. He heard the video that was being played. One that he chose. One that he didn't really need to see since he had been there too. Chester's voice made him almost cringe.  _Why is it so hard?_

  
He stared at the mic stand in the spotlight. Never again was he going to see his friend stand there, singing their songs. Never again would he have the opportunity to hug him and thank for a good show. Never again would he have the joy to share the stage with such a talent. And now he was glad the stage was darkened.

  
And Brad wasn't doing well either. His guitar was so out of tune that it annoyed him. He wanted to just toss it to the wall and escape the stage but he knew they had to pull it through. There was no other possibility than to ignore it and continue.

  
Another song finished. Still just a start. Mike felt the words get stuck in his throat as he spoke to the audience. Keeping his eyes closed he tried to think he was alone. Then some change of instruments and another song. He glanced at Brad who was deadpan. Pacing around the stage, trying not to focus on anything for a long period of time. Constantly changing the object of his glassy stare. During the transition to another song in the middle, Mike could see Brad lost it. Just for seconds, but it happened. The guest singer tried to make some contact to him but he was still overwhelmed that it wasn't Chester interacting with him. Like it used to be.

  
Long sigh directed away from the audience and another guest on stage. So many more, Mike thought. The grief washed suddenly over him, almost tackling him, but he didn't give up. Brad had pulled himself back together and even chuckled when the guest messed up with the lyrics. Enthusiastic guy and Mike felt the energy sticking to him. The hardest thing now seemed to be to ignore that they were being filmed. Not just to record, but a stream. That meant that if he would mess up, they would notice. That would mean the tears, but also lyrics and all that. He wasn't worried about the set, but that he would suddenly break down and thus mess up.

  
While the video played for the crowd he smiled. They were singing over a YouTube video. It really didn't even surprise him. Best fans in the world. Just like Chester always said. With a pinch in his heart, he told them how funny it was. How, despite the fact that it also hurt, warmed his heart.

  
More heavy sighs. More staring the world behind his closed eyelids.  _Was it half way yet? Maybe?_ he wondered inwardly, the time blurring. Tiny break, not enough. He kept swallowing, chasing nausea away. Brad turning his back to the audience trying to keep his face straight. He was clearly having difficulties, Mike could see it.

  
"No hold on, hold on! We're not starting this shit all fucked up! That's not happening", he paused when Joe messed up the sample. "Chester would not have this shit!"

  
 _There. With a smile. They are laughing and cheering at least. Guess it was good?_  he thought as Joe started again, now doing it correctly.

  
Then a time to breathe. For him. Brad's frown got deeper when he hugged the girl and got to his spot with the acoustic guitar, starting the song right away. Mike backed away behind the keyboards knowing there was no point in leaving the stage. Brad smiled for the singer, enjoying the song. Just for a while before he shut down again. Mike focused on the singing, listening closely to the female voice. He couldn't see his friends face when he was back towards him, but he knew this was one of the hardest songs of the night for Brad. He glanced at the list with the songs and bit his lip when he noticed the next three ones. Cursing himself and the idea he fished out the pill that Anna had placed in his pocket, just to be sure, and took it with a gulp of tea. Maybe it would help. Maybe it would calm his heart that was trying to beat out from his chest. At least the doctor said it should help.

  
But then, he saw Brad change. He didn't know was it the line about house of cards or the one about understanding things, but he saw when Brad took some distance from the singer and broke down inwardly. Like every memory, he had with Chester and that song together was tearing him apart. Mike squeezed his mic, pushed his cap up with his thumb and stepped away from behind the keyboards. The regret was burning him. But the worst part still was that he knew it was just one side of it. If they wouldn't have done it, he would have had another kind of regret. He watched as Brad went to get some reassurance from Dave. Cause Chester wasn't there to give it to him. And the guest singer now wasn't the same thing. Quickly Brad had forced himself back together, at least temporarily, and Mike relaxed slightly.

  
 _Was that the hardest part?_  he thought while they got through the next two songs. Maybe it was for Brad but he was sure it wasn't for himself. Probably not to the audience either. He glanced at Rob who seemed to be focusing only on the drumming and nothing else. At least so it looked like.

  
And then was the time. His heart heavy he forced the smile on his face. Now it was nothing more than a fake one. So quickly he broke down that he barely managed to keep it all in his hands. He was sure his voice was breaking again too, and the next song would be even worse.  _They wouldn't know if he wouldn't play his song now, right?_  He pondered a while for that but then he had to make the choice and decided to push through again.  _Keep your eyes closed so they won't see that you are about to cry,_ he thought but still almost cracked up.  _God, I miss him so much._

  
Maybe it was because the part he had feared the most was over, even if more was to come, but when the more upbeat part started he sighed in relief. Brad had taken his sweater off and glanced now at Dave. Mike watched the tiny interaction, as long as he could. So many emotions and so little showing on Brad's face. Another familiar song with a strange person. And another. No matter how Mike tried it was weird to him. He wasn't going to get used to it. The crowd was singing with every song. But even that was hard for him to watch now when Chester wasn't beside him to share it.

  
 _Why is it so fucking hot suddenly?_  he thought pulling the jean jacket off of himself. Brad glanced at him looking weirdly angry. Was it cause he was smiling? Was it cause of the song? He shrugged it off suddenly more relaxed than before. Not that much more to go. This one would be easier. He babbled the tiny introduction through confused.

  
 _God fucking dammit he is laughing_ , Brad thought glancing at him at the end of the song, just before he disappeared behind the stage. Break. Finally. He heard as Mike joked about not able to decide was he hot or cool and rolled his eyes. He was getting mad and hated it cause it wasn't Mike's fault but Mike would be the one to deal with it anyway. His break was over too soon and when he got back on the stage he tried to cheer himself up by trying to feel the energy the crowd was filled with.

  
 _Next one. Is it halfway through already now? Must be,_ Mike thought when their guest act had finished their own song. He frowned. Couldn't remember the order of the songs. The confusion was really getting to him but he was surprised at how relaxed he was. Actually enjoying the time on stage and not thinking about why they were there constantly, but also weirdly restless. Swallowing he tried to moisten his dry throat as he got to his place and ready for another one.

  
It started so well. Brad focused on the song and to the crowd that was still having fun. But then the singer started to sing and it wasn't Chester. It wasn't him and suddenly Brad couldn't breathe. Barely pulling through he paced, eyes wandering. In the end, he tried to make contact with Mike cause he couldn't escape the stage either. Then he realized the emcee was high. He was fucking high because there wasn't any other explanation why he was suddenly like that. Surely he knew Mike had prescription meds but it still made him mad. And then sad. Mike really was barely there. Even if he was hiding it under the fake smile and laughter. He was trying to keep himself from not falling apart. And Brad hated it cause he himself was doing way poorer job with it.

  
And now it was the song he had scared maybe the most. Mike spoke for the fans, asking for them to sing. Of course, they would. But cause it was so new to them that Chester wasn't there they all needed the reassurance. And the words kept digging under Brad's skin and a song that they had played so many times had suddenly new meanings. Meanings that he didn't want to think now. Meanings that were pure pain. And he felt like he was suffocating.

  
Mike saw how he was struggling and came to him, squeezing his shoulder. But he had already lost it. The last drop had been a glance to Dave and realization that the bassist was sniffling. Frowning deeply he tossed the lei from around his neck to the audience. Maybe it was that that felt like choking? Maybe it was the idea. Turning around he escaped further away from the singing fans. They were so loud, and the words just kept tearing the wounds open. And he knew it would haunt him in his dreams.

  
When the final notes bounced in the air he glanced at Joe who looked almost as bad as Dave.  _How the hell are we going to get through the last songs?_  he thought drooping his head low. Then the stage went dark and he felt like he could just crumble down there and wait for someone to drag him away.

  
He ignored the speeches. Completely. Still trying to escape the feeling that was pulling him under. Half a bottle of water and staring at Rob who looked lost in his own world. He shook his head ignoring that too. Then, back on the stage and final push. Not that much anymore, he would handle it. The crowd sang beautifully, but he didn't want to be there anymore. He sang with them all. Like singing the words now would actually make him believe them in that situation. Make them real and wash the sorrow away.

  
But it wasn't happening and when they started to show an older show over the next song he was glad they didn't see the screens on the stage. It was enough that he could hear Chester. That he heard the voice like it was beside him but there was no one there. And again he had to try to encourage the crowd to continue to sing and dance. Some interaction with Joe who was paying attention mostly only to his equipment, knowing that the cameras would capture his tired state anyway.

  
When the song ended he knew he had to get away. He was so close to cracking up finally that he would do it on stage if he wouldn't get a chance for a break. Gasping he headed to the side of the stage. "Marc, can you..." he didn't even need to finish the sentence when Mike's guitar tech saw the panic in his eyes and grabbed the guitar from him. After that, he just glanced over his shoulder and ran behind the stage. He didn't have long but he would make it be enough.

  
Mike didn't first even notice Brad was gone. He was far beyond in the state he had managed to achieve. Smiling, bouncing around energetically and having fun.  _Was he supposed to have fun?_  The thought left his mind as quickly as it hit it. If the crowd was having fun it was his responsibility to not make them feel bad cause of it. It was a celebration, and even though it had been a hard concept for him to fathom, it was after all his own idea.

  
 _Only two more songs left,_  Mike thought when the whole band had been back on the stage for one song. Mike could see that Brad had relaxed. He was still completely lost, overwhelmed, but at least not looking so afraid than before. Searching for an eye contact and reassurance from the emcee he however failed. Mike wasn't looking at his direction. He had a hard time comprehending now to the fact that they actually played the whole show through. Now even the last song was done.

  
The buzz was amazing. But Brad knew it was only clouding the fact that it was over. There was never going to be such an event again. Mike watched as he started to hug the guests and wondered what was up with that now. Dave looked exhausted and Joe defeated. Rob was smiling but Mike knew it was a façade. More hugging. The guests thanking them. He was floating somewhere far beyond, the reality fading.

  
Brad couldn't take it anymore. He left the stage. It made him so mad that the guests were smiling and thanking for a good show. He knew it was wrong for him to feel that way. But he couldn't stop it. He wanted out and thought they were done. Wanted it to be done. But before he even knew it he was being asked to go back to the stage. The guests were leaving and there was the last thing to do still. Bow and show your gratitude. Now he felt like he was just a robot. Be there cause he was supposed to be. He greeted the audience and decided he might as well try to make Mike function faster.

  
"Can we just fucking get over this?" he said to Joe and pushed Mike further.

  
Still, people pulling him to a hug. He was impatient, mad and falling to pieces. When the final guest realized to leave the stage he let out a tiny gasp of relief and get back to chewing his lip. Grabbing Joe and Rob he glanced at Mike who looked even more confused than before. They were there. Standing in front of the fans. They all were. Even Chester. Mike could feel it. And now the buzz was finally quieting down and Mike would have to adjust to the painful silence he knew was coming.

  
Brad was the first to leave the stage again. He had to. The crowd started to chant the band's name, and the limit had been finally reached. He couldn't take it anymore. Just tiny while before the others he got to the dressing room. For a minute he just stood there, staring into space. Then Anna came to hug him and he just wanted to scream that he had had it. No more hugging. It didn't matter. He was too far beyond caring.

  
Mike grabbed a coat pulling it on as he felt suddenly the chills rush through him. Jim stared as they all slumped down on the dressing room floor. They all were absolutely exhausted. Almost like they were disembodied. Not a single word was said in a long while, cause none of them had any. Anna held Mike's hand staring at the bracelet where Chester's name was written. She could feel the exertion and exhaustion. Of course, she was proud, but couldn't ignore the worry that was stinging in her heart. Mike looked empty. His face just completely emotionless.

  
Finally Mike opened up his mouth. "We really made it." That was all he said. Still deadpan, staring in front of him.

  
Brad wanted to punch him. Scream and fight. It just wouldn't have had lead anywhere. Instead, he bit his lips and kept the words inside. The words that wouldn't be even real. Just pure agony in form of words.

  
The bassist glanced at them and the silent exchange of looks and knew that even if they had gotten through it, it was certainly not over for them. Everything that would happen after such show was in front of them. Media, fans, family, friends. Everything. All the emotions and hassle. None of them were ready to face it. They had tried to deal with the normal life, without all that. And now it was there again. But without Chester.

  
Joe had closed his eyes leaning against the wall. Fighting the tears and the heavy atmosphere in the room. He couldn't believe it was actually over. Everything fitted in three hours.

  
After a long while of staring and trying to organize the emotions in some order, Jim came back. "So. The vans are outside waiting. And there's an after-party."

  
Rob was about to say that they weren't going but then he saw how Mike looked at Dave and knew that there was a second opinion too. They slowly got up, reluctant. Weirdly reluctant to leave the place behind. Like they were leaving something else behind too. And no one knew what was next step and they all were afraid to take it.

  
They exited the back entrance where the vans waited. Brad froze when they stepped outside. There were a couple of fans there, so close. He felt like choking. No way he was going to handle it now. Without saying a word he spun around and got back inside. He paced back the hallway trying to run now from the feeling.

  
"Brad hey! Wait!" Mike grabbed his arm suddenly. "What happened?"

  
But as Brad turned around he already knew. "I can't. I knew I agreed to this but I can't fucking deal with it. It's too much."

  
"Slow down... It's over now."

  
"Yeah, the show is. But everything else isn't. I need time to get over all this fucking confusion that is drowning me. I can't face them. A big crowd is one thing. Even that was... But now them there..." Brad gasped pointing towards the door. He still wanted to let the rage out. He was still beyond frustrated and angry.

  
Mike let out a heavy sigh and grabbed him to a hug. Together they slumped on the floor the second time that day now letting it all out. Guess this was what there was for them to deal with it. And the worst part was that he didn't know how long it would take for the grief and confusion to get to the state that they could handle it.

 

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and joining me on this journey. Love you all.


	16. Maybe I didn't want to chase what was not right

 

  
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Some things had changed after the tribute show. Anna was back at home with kids. She tried to give him space as much as she could and when he saw Mike fall back to the darkness she knew to back away. Sometimes it took hours to get Mike back to them, back to the normal, sometimes it was just a small glimpse.

  
Whatever the normal even was. It was now new normal, but different than a few months ago. He was better. He was managing to move forward. But he still woke up at night to the nightmares. To stare at the wall that didn't give him any answers.

  
But some things happened without no one knowing why. Some things were needed to happen, even if you didn't realize it yourself. But Mike was at the point that he knew what he had to do. Cause it was the right thing. But, he was also again at the same point than before the show. What if the others wouldn't agree? What if they thought that he was abandoning them? What if they thought he wasn't ready? And Mike knew it all came down to Brad. His friend was still mad at him, still sure he would have to deal with another loss. No one still really knew what to do with the loss of Chester and then there was always the reminder that Mike had almost died too. Brad was trying so hard to get over it but his heart that was still breaking wasn't letting him.

  
As Anna was back home it had been easier for them. For Brad mostly. They still were there, but only occasionally for the whole night. Because she was always there and made sure to update them with even the smallest details. One night Dave had woken up to a call when Anna was panicking. It was the first few nights after she was back and she wasn't yet used to Mike acting strangely from time to time. She didn't get why her husband was crying in the corner of their bedroom. Of course, she did, deep down inside she knew perfectly well why. But she hadn't been really prepared how hard it still was. That no matter how far they had come, Mike was still in the healing process. Dave explained it to her and tried to make her realize that she shouldn't be scared. They would get past it and she just needed to deal with it, cause it would still take a long time for Mike to get to a state where they could actually say he was fine.

  
And she still cringed when she saw the scars. She could see the progression, even when she hadn't been there when Mike had been at his worst. But still, still she could feel the same fear she had felt when she had gotten the call that Mike was in the hospital and had almost bled to death. The same thoughts running through her head and no matter how hard she tried, looking at the scars always made them stick for hours. She couldn't shake it off. So she tried not to look.

  
Brad sympathized with her and was relieved when they had a talk. He was glad that they actually had similar thoughts. He felt horrible that he was still there stuck in that night. Cause mostly it just reminded him that he had been a failure- again. Anna said he couldn't have had prevented it. Not any more than with Chester. Even then when he knew it was the truth he kept second-guessing himself. Blaming that he wasn't there when he was needed.

  
Now that Anna was home Mike's days were filled with laughter. Cause the children didn't deal with grief as adults did. They heard the news, got sad that their uncle wasn't with them anymore, and then carried on. Their way of thinking about death didn't involve all the details that adults had to deal with. It was a bliss. But they did grieve, in their own way. The familiar places and Christmas presents brought Chester back to their minds. And then Mike had to deal with his own emotions again when the kids asked suddenly about Chester. The mind of a child is so much simpler than adult's, but in many ways also more complex. And their unique way of thinking raised questions that confused Mike. The first time it happened Mike was making breakfast.

  
Otis stared at him for a long time before he opened his mouth. "But where is he now?"

  
How do you answer such question? Mike barely managed to keep himself together and not just fall apart on the kitchen floor. Gripping to the counter edge his knuckles turning white he inhaled a copious amount of air before he felt like the answer was there. A definite one.

  
"At peace. There's no pain anymore where he is now."

  
And that's how children's minds sometimes worked. Otis nodded and turned back to his cereal. The answer satisfied him, but Mike knew there would be more later. And only time would tell would he be able to answer. And would the answer satisfy the kids, or himself.

  
Now as he poured another cup of coffee and watched as the kids played on the yard he heard Anna sigh on the other side of the kitchen. Maybe she was also tired of his state. He was trying. Every day he was trying to put the past behind him. It was still haunting him. Trying to get him to a grip just to tear him apart again. But he was tired too. The fighting was exhausting. And even when at times he felt like he was winning, somehow he always sunk back to the same patterns. And the sorrow had become his shadow. It lurked behind every corner just waiting to get him tripped.

  
"What?" he asked sounding more snappy than he really wanted.

  
"Nothing really. You just got lost again. And didn't come to bed last night", Anna noted.

  
Mike bit his lip pondering and dropped his head then. "I was making songs."

  
"Again? Sounds like you're actually thinking to release them."

  
"Yeah. I feel like... It's the right thing to do. At first, I didn't think to release any. But... I just think it's needed. I have to do it. You know? It's just coming out. And now when I listened to the song I did on the tribute show day... I feel like I have an opportunity to capture these little moments." He waited patiently for the response. Scared, but also excited. Anna would understand. She, from all people, would.

  
"What does that mean then?" she said. No tone to be read, nothing. Just plain words.

  
"I honestly have no idea yet. But there's material coming out. I want others to hear it too. It's... like a diary", Mike felt the familiar piece form in his throat.

  
"So you're improvising. Seeing how it goes and then will plan more. But, do you want to open it for all? For the whole world to see?" Anna asked picking up a glass from the table.

  
But Mike was sure. He had thought about it. A long, long time. "Yes. I want them to hear it too. It's... it could help them too, you know?"

  
"And now you wonder what the boys would think?" Anna already knew his worry.

  
"Yeah. Or more Brad. I think Dave has already guessed that there are more songs in making."

  
Anna nodded and poured orange juice to the glass now. "He will come around. Eventually. You know how it hurt him. It's not something you can forgive so easily."

  
"I wish I could..." Mike swallowed, the piece in his throat swelling.

  
"Turn back time?"

  
"Yeah."

  
"Do you? Honestly. Can you say that you wish you wouldn't have done it? If you do he needs to hear it too", she said squeezing his shoulder knowing that Mike would figure out who she was talking about. She didn't wait for the response cause she knew she wasn't going to get one. Glancing at her husband once more she left him alone.

  
Mike stared at the window not really seeing through it. He could honestly say that he wished he hadn't done it, but there was still a long way for people to trust him that he really meant it. Brad had already heard it and he wasn't going to repeat it unless he was asked. Cause sometimes showing things was better than saying it out loud. He watched his phone on the kitchen counter and wondered should he call or not. But Rob was coming over so maybe he would have an idea.

  
The phone rang suddenly, startling him. It was still hard for him to actually pick it up when it rang. Usually, he let it go to the answering machine and then called back later. Sometimes he didn't call. Just cause he had nothing to say. He stared at the screen for a while and let out then a heavy sigh before he picked it up and swiped the screen to answer.

  
"Oh! Great that you answered! Anna didn't and... we are close by. Could we come over? The kids would love... You know. It has been already weeks and they keep asking when could we come to see the girls", Talinda said.

  
Like she needed to explain. Before Chester had passed it was just usual for them to drop by if either of them just was home. One more thing that was different and Mike didn't want to take it away from the kids. And it wasn't like that. Of course, he couldn't stop thinking about Chester when Talinda was around, but the most important reason was that he didn't trust himself. That he wouldn't break down suddenly. It didn't matter around Talinda. Even if he hated that the others saw him weak. But the kids would have been the problem. They hadn't seen him like that, but it didn't mean it couldn't happen.

  
Squaring his shoulders he made up his mind, "Yeah, sure. We are all at home."

  
"Mike that's great! We'll be there in few."

  
And Mike was sure the decision was right. Her voice was filled with joy and he realized she needed it as much as the kids. Of course, they had other friends too, but the bond was so different with their kids. Just like with Mike and Chester too. He filled the coffee maker ready and then went to fetch Anna.

  
The next hours went by smoothly. He had a great time and so did the others. At least all of them looked like it. Nowadays he wasn't any more sure which was acting and which was real. Even when he thought he knew his friends and family. He didn't really have any reason to suspect otherwise but the worry was always there. Again the shadow of the past reminding him that nothing was certain.

  
"Hey. Didn't know Talinda was going to be here too", Rob was suddenly beside him.

  
Mike hadn't even noticed that it was already evening. Rob sat on the chair next to him and studied his face a while before he turned his gaze to the kids playing in the yard.

  
"Hi. Yeah she called. They were near and wanted to visit. I thought it's okay."

  
"Looks like it's more than okay. Glad to see you smile too", Rob noted.

  
"Easy day. No flashbacks. Should have slept though, but I can manage till I get to bed."

  
"You didn't sleep?"

  
"Now I... was working with new material", Mike said and bit down to his lip. This was it then. Now he couldn't back down again.

  
"Oh?"

  
"Yeah", he swallowed.

  
"So does that mean like you would publish something?" Rob asked. He was genuinely just curious. Wanting to know more before he would even think more.

  
"That was what I was thinking. It seems like a right thing to do. For me. I told Anna about it, and she was afraid that such personal material wouldn't be good to share", Mike kept his eyes on the kids.

  
"Yeah. I can see that point of view. Is it... you would do it alone? It's your personal material... Well, grief is always personal."

  
"Yeah. But I don't want to get you guys mad either. Like... I would be betraying you guys", the half Asian sighed.

  
"I get that too. But I don't feel like that. Of course, I can only talk on my own behalf though. There's always..."

  
"Brad. I know. Honestly I don't think he will think I am betraying him either. That's just how I feel. But he is still pissed at me. Cause of the... " Mike started but stopped then. He still couldn't say it out loud. Thinking about the day made him feel so weird. Too overwhelmed, sad and ashamed. "And the show. That too."

  
"Yeah but he said himself that it was needed. Even if he was mad. Well is, he barely wants to talk about it. It doesn't mean that it was a bad thing. Sometimes we have to do things we don't like", Rob reminded him.

  
Mike didn't know what to say. They had known too long with Brad for him to just end their friendship after such thing. Him almost dying could have been the deal breaker. But it hadn't been. Brad was still there and maybe their friendship was stronger cause of it. That Mike liked to think. That him almost dying wasn't all in vain. That there was another outcome than just pain and shame. Cause Brad being mad at him told only how much he cared.

  
"You need to talk with him", Rob noted.

  
"I know", Mike sighed heavily. A talk he didn't wait for. "So are you saying that it's fine for you?"

  
"New music? Yeah. It's... well it's really soon. And as you know we are still on the edge with your healing."

  
"Yeah. I know. But what if that's what I need? What I need to do for myself. And for him, and for the fans."

  
"I can see it's helping. Already."

  
"If I do my own thing it's fine?" Mike asked again. Somehow he still needed the reassurance. Even when he knew it was right. Even when he knew he had to do it.

  
"It is. Whatever helps you to get better. I am still here. Wherever the journey leads you. You know I won't abandon you", Rob nodded smiling.

  
"I hope the rest are fine with it too. Dave has been okay with the songs already so I assume...", Mike rubbed his eye hoping it would be that easy.

  
"I bet they are. Just take it easy. We don't want you to burn yourself out. But if the music comes out then I really don't see why you wouldn't show it to the rest of the world. I just hope... you have done this long enough to realize how cruel people are. If you're not strong enough you will be torn apart."

  
"I think there isn't a thing that can be said to me that I haven't already said to myself. Cause the guilt is still there. Besides the fans that are there supporting us now have been amazing", Mike mumbled and shrugged.

  
"But I am still scared. You know that", Rob stared at him seriously.

  
"I know. I am too. But I am fighting", the half Asian answered his lips curling to a smile.

  
They sat there a long while in silence and watched as Talinda left with the kids. Mike loved to see them smile again. And Anna. Especially her. They all deserved it. And he would regret forever that he had caused so much pain. But he had the rest of his life to make it up, and he would try his best.

  
He thought about the word that Rob had used- journey. He liked it. It described perfectly what it felt like. It was a scary and dark path that he had to travel alone. But even when he traveled it alone, he knew he wasn't really going to be. Not really. They were all there with him. And he felt that Chester was too, even when he didn't see him. And maybe there _was_ a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

\---------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being here. Every read, kudos and comment matter to me. Love you all.


	17. Came so far never thought it'd be done now

 

  
\----------

 

"Hey, what's..." Mike frowned when he saw Anna wipe his face and stare out from the window.

  
Though he didn't need the answer. Hugging his wife he sighed heavily. "Yeah..."

  
Everything was still weird. Still upside down and Mike constantly forgot that others were having a hard time too. And he knew it wasn't about him. Anna was scared for him, but this was about Chester.

  
"I miss him.... I was thinking... What about the holidays? What about... Talinda and the kids? What about all the traditions? There's now a hole that is bigger than a human..."

  
"Because he was bigger than any human", Mike continued the sentence.

  
Anna didn't answer to that. That's just how it was. They would have to deal with the hole now. Managing daily life was easier already, but there were dates coming that would be hard to deal with.

  
"So maybe we need to make new traditions. Not abandon what we had but modify them", Mike suggested. "Something that keeps him with us."

  
"I need to figure something out. The last thing I want it to turn into crying. Especially since the kids wait for it all so much", Anna sighed.

  
"Think about it. Whatever you want. And Talinda... talk with her and ask does she want to visit us or us them. We should really gather around and make sure she isn't alone."

  
"That reminds me... You need to talk with Brad. It's... you can't just do it all without him accepting it", Anna sighed and turned to water the plants which was what she was doing before she broke down into tears.

  
"Yeah. I do", Mike answered to the sigh same way, but his was loaded with even more emotions.

  
"Mike. Now. You can't prolong it. Not anymore. It will be just harder then. Just more painful. Please, call him", Anna said and grabbed Mike's phone that was in the counter and placed it gently on his hand.

  
Mike stared at the screen and chewed his lip. "Fine. I will."

  
Receiving a reassuring squeeze on her shoulder from Anna he grabbed his coffee cup and headed to the studio. There he chose Brad's name from the list after a heavy sigh. Staring at the computer screen that was the only brighter light-source in the room amongst the countless colorful buttons in the electronic devices, he waited for his friend to answer the call.

  
"Hey."

  
Mike could have read millions of things from the tone but the only thing he really heard was the anticipation.

  
"Hey. We need to talk."

  
"Yeah. I know. I had a talk with Dave and been waiting for your call."

  
And now there was the familiar bite in the words. And that was the second Mike regretted he had told everyone else than Brad already.

  
"Oh... What did he..."

  
Mike could almost see Brad rolling his eyes in his living room when he answered, "Nothing. That we need to talk. And that it's important and that I shouldn't freak out."

  
"Yeah..."

  
"If you think that you can avoid facing something just by not telling me it... that's bullshit. I'll be there in few hours", Brad answered to him and before Mike could say a thing he closed the line.

  
Now staring again the phone in his hand he decided that it was inevitable and now closer than yesterday. Whatever was coming. Placing the phone on the table he rubbed his neck and got back to work. Which was now the songs on the screen. The ones that were there. Done. Waiting for final fixing and the most important thing that he didn't know would he get today.

  
Time passed slowly. But it did anyway, even when Mike felt like choking and grew more scared every minute. All he could think was that what if Brad wouldn't accept it? What if it really was the end of their relationship?

  
"Do you want me to turn the light on?" Brad asked when he arrived, standing in the bright light that was coming from the corridor.

  
"No", Mike mumbled.

  
Maybe it wouldn't be that bad if he wouldn't see the disappointment in Brad's eyes.

  
"So."

  
"So. I have been making new music", Mike swallowed as he heard the couch cushion shift when Brad sat on it.

  
"Yeah. I kinda guessed. You wouldn't be able to stay away from it this long."

  
"Yeah... I am going to publish some", the half Asian said and sipped his coffee cringing when the already cold liquid touched his tongue.

  
"Fuck... Do I have to repeat everything I have told you this far or can we just skip that part... Cause I really wouldn't want to do it. Publishing music isn't bad. But what happens after is. You can't just put stuff out and leave it to that", Brad threw his hands in the air.

  
"I know. But I am the one that will determine what I say. What I talk about", Mike tilted his head.

  
The other sighed and dropped his face to his palms. "Yeah. But you can't avoid the questions. You can only refuse to answer. And what then? Album out and what?"

  
"It's just three songs now. I don't even know yet do people like that stuff. Or want more. It's not Linkin Park. Nor Fort Minor. Just me", Mike mumbled the answer.

  
"It doesn't still change the fact that they will tear you apart. I can already see the comments."

  
"And?"

  
"You have to give interviews. You have to be social. You can't just drop the songs."

  
"Still. I have heard everything there is to hear. Like I said to Rob, I have probably told it all to myself already", Mike shrugged.

  
"You think? You really think that? You might blame yourself, but what about all the rest? People are so fucking cruel. Even if they don't mean what they say, they will try to hurt you just cause they can."

  
"Then it will come. They will do it anyway. I will release the songs and we will see what happens next. Besides, why should I not do it just because I am afraid of what some will say when there are people that could need it? Grief is personal, but it doesn't mean the fans wouldn't have similar feelings that I have. Or that they wouldn't want to hear what I feel. I don't owe shit to anyone, but I want to give it to them", Mike explained.

  
Brad stared at him not knowing should he yell or cry or just run out and ignore the talk. He was afraid. The only thing in his mind being that night when he almost lost Mike too. The trust was still so fragile. Just like he saw Mike. He imagined the response being both positive and negative, but cause he couldn't think that Mike was healed and could deal with it, the negative would just outweigh the positive.

  
"You are not ready to that."

  
"I can't just wait until you think I am ready. I have to move forward. I know I will fail and breakdown. It will come suddenly and it will be horrible. It's part of the process. But I still think this is what I should do. To find the balance. There is nothing I see myself doing instead. Do you really want me to just have that music unpublished? You know that I have always done music. That's what I am. It's in my blood. Denying it, or preventing me from not doing it is not right. You know that. You from all people should know how important it is for me", Mike said.

  
"What about us?"

  
"It's still us. I am not going anywhere. I'm not ending us. It's just three songs. I have more but like I said I don't even know do people want the music."

  
"You know they will ask about him. And about us. Cause you have to do the interviews. They will keep digging until there is nothing more to dig up. Like a void. Do you want to be the void?"

  
"When did you turn so negative? You have always supported me. Always been the one to believe in me. Even when everybody else has told me that I can't do it. That I should give up. You have stayed by my side", Mike mumbled.

  
"When my friend killed himself and you tried to follow", Brad stated and Mike cringed at his sad tone. "I am not being negative, I am trying to be realistic. It's hasn't been even half a year. You're still in the healing process. It doesn't need more than one big blow and you will..."

  
The other interrupted him with a groan. "No, I won't. I am past that. I know you don't believe me, but I am. Yes, I am still healing, we all are, but this is part of the process for me. Like said. There's no finish line in this all. There's no point when I can say 'Oh, now I am over it. It will never break apart again'. It's not how it goes."

  
"I am so fucking scared. I know you say you are better and moving on, but you have to understand how bad it hurts to think about that day. And everything else you did for yourself after. Still. It still hurts so badly. You can do the fuck you want but you have to get my point of view too. And realize it's possible that you can't take it. That there can be a point when it's too much."

  
"Yeah. I have gotten that message from everyone. You know I can't even look at my arms in short sleeves without thinking about what I did and what it costed. What I did to you. All of you, but mostly to you."

  
"Yeah."

  
"So what now? Am I getting this speech every time I take a step forward or are you going to let me do it? I don't know how you feel, but I can imagine what it is, and I bet it hits pretty close home. I never want to hurt you again. You have to get it. But I make mistakes too. I am trying to be a better person. And I am getting tired of you trying to hold me back."

  
"Thanks", Brad huffed sarcastically.

  
"Well that what it feels like. I know you care, but I can't just do nothing until you are satisfied. I know that won't help me progress."

  
Brad chewed his lip and ran his fingers along his arm, but didn't say a thing.

  
Mike sighed. "Brad. You're my best friend."

  
"Pft... Don't throw the friend card when I am trying to be mad at you", the other groaned but Mike could hear there was a smile on his lips.

  
"See. You don't hate me."

  
"Fuck you. You know I love you. And I will kick your ass if you ever do something that stupid again. And I am glad you have the scars that remind you of it. Cause I can't do it daily", Brad continued with the sarcastic tone and Mike knew they were through it.

  
"You're an asshole."

  
"Yeah. And you are too. Just way more stubborn than I am", the other snorted.

  
They stayed silent for a while, both feeling out the atmosphere before Mike spoke again. "So that's it then?"

  
"Kay", Brad answered.

  
"Good. Do you want to hear the songs or should I call someone else who isn't as eager to yell at me but to listen to what I have done?" Mike smirked.

  
Brad rolled his eyes which Mike obviously couldn't see in the darkness. "Yes. I want to hear the songs. Are they ready? Like final ready?"

  
"Some small adjusting needed before the mixing and that. But yeah. Basically", Mike mumbled.

  
"So you are satisfied?"

  
"Not until I hear what you think."

  
After a moment of silence, Mike pressed play and leaned back on his chair. Now he certainly was glad he couldn't see Brad's face. He had heard the songs so many times that they didn't affect to him the way he guessed they would to others. After three songs, over nine minutes, lots of nail-biting and heavy exhales, the silence fell over them. The darkness had never felt that intimidating in the room than now. Mike had been so used to it while he had worked with his music that he never even realized how weird it was when there was suddenly someone sharing it. Excluding the shadow, he occasionally saw, but that belonged there.

  
"Okay. Well, shit. That was heavy", Brad said then, his voice strained and quiet.

  
"Yeah. I know. The rest isn't that heavy though. I don't know... is it bad?"

  
"No. Heavy is good. But it stung. A lot. Some parts... the phone calls. That one line in the middle one. Well many lines, but that... Are you sure you want to do it?"

  
"Yeah."

  
Mike stayed silent. Brad obviously needed time to digest it. He would have too in the same situation.

  
"Fuck Mike. That's a rocky path you have ahead of you."

  
"Yeah. And I would have never chosen it myself", the half Asian sighed.

  
"I know", Brad answered, running out of words.

  
"Now I just have to work hard and see where it takes me", Mike answered.

  
"So it goes."

  
There was a faint knock on the door and Mike knew it was Anna telling that it was dinnertime. He glanced at the screen again and the three names that contained so much more than what the music and words really gave out. Nodding, like for acceptance that he couldn't turn back now, he got up and went to the door. Brad followed silently also glancing at the computer.

  
"This feels like an ending", Brad said when they got to the corridor.

  
In the bright light, Mike could see his friend's eyes were shining, damp with the tears.

  
"Yeah. But it's not. It's... a place to start", Mike closed the door to the studio and grabbed his friend to a hug.

  
They walked together back downstairs, both still shocked by the whole situation. Anna noticed the weird atmosphere and decided to stay away. She knew how hard it was. It had been that for all of them. But because she had talked with Brad and shared so many thoughts she also knew that all the fear and unsureness came down to love.

  
"Would you want to stay for a while or are you..." Mike asked carefully. It was a lot to deal with and of course on top of that Brad had his own family.

  
"I'll stay. I'll always stay", Brad nodded, a faint smile curling his lips.

 

 

\----------

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Kudos and comments are also greatly appreciated. You guys don't even know how much it all means to me <3


	18. No, I don't have the answers, but I do have the faith

 

  
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"It's done?" Dave sat on the couch and took the coffee cup from the table. Watching Mike carefully he blew to the hot coffee that Anna had brought to him.

  
"Yeah. Done", Mike swallowed thickly and turned his phone on mute. After placing it on the table, screen down, he grabbed his coffee cup and leaned back. He didn't want to see the messages. Any of them. Even if he had notifications muted in social media there would be calls. And texts. So many people contacting him. Worried ones. Happy ones. He didn't want to see it all. Not yet. All he had needed was the band to accept. And Anna and Talinda. The rest would come along. Sooner, or later.

  
"It's going to be okay", the bassist patted his shoulder and watched as Rob approached them.

  
Visiting day. They were still reluctant, still afraid. But Mike had already proven that he was taking care of himself. And Anna was always there. She never left him alone. Not yet.

  
"I hope so. Well... I think so. But the problem is I have to adjust to whatever is coming. What's thrown at me. You have that... thing of yours. You do the questions. But I don't get to decide what they ask from me. Even if I don't answer... I just..."

  
And today it was more important than ever. Dave and Rob were there now, and Brad was going to come soon too. Joe didn't have a chance that day to visit, but he had told he would be there in the next few days. Talking on the phone was never substitute for seeing the emcee. Just because Mike had a hard time talking about things and because they read him better face to face.

  
The normal routine wasn't that anymore either. Picking up the kids from school, visiting friends, grocery shopping. Somehow there was always that tiny voice that reminded him what had happened. And it wasn't only that Chester wasn't there, but everything that had happened since.

  
"So you just have to see what comes. It's not like you are alone though", Rob pointed out.

  
"Yeah. That. I wonder... I think I can deal with the questions about Chester. Because like I said, I think I have thought everything there is already. Or so it does feel like now. And I do like to open up my thoughts about it. But what if they start to... ", Mike sighed heavily. He had pondered the scars and what should he tell if, when, someone would notice them. They were fading quickly but wearing long shirts in California weather would raise more questions. "The scars. What should I say when people notice them?"

  
"The truth?" Dave suggested straightforwardly.

  
Rob grimaced. That was a hard one. If the people were going to tear Mike apart because he released new music this soon they certainly would do it if he told the reason behind the scars. But he hated lying.

  
"And what would that be then? That I was so upset that I decided to kill myself or that was so drunk that I accidentally tried it? Cause it's really neither of those and same time both", Mike mumbled keeping his eyes cast to the coffee cup.

  
"Have you thought about... what if you tell it honestly. The way you remember it. Even if it's partly just drunken confusion", the bassist shrugged and shifted on the couch.

  
"Mostly. Sorrow and drunken confusion, mostly. Not partly. Maybe I should just say I don't remember what happened. Like at all."

  
"Why? That's... basically, it would be underestimating people. The fans. Thinking they are stupid. They will find out the truth. They always will", Rob shook his head. Either way, it sounded horrible. But everything about it was.

  
"So you're saying that I should just tell it? As it is?"

  
"No, I don't... I don't know Mike. I don't like lying. But thinking everyone would know your weakness... That will just give them more leverage to hammer you down", the drummer sighed.

  
Dave shook his head. "Or not. Maybe it would be the opposite. They think you are some kind of a superhuman now."

"But that's already the EP. I think it shows that I am not. I should be long past caring what people think, but...", Mike groaned.

  
"But, no matter what you do, there's always someone. Some person who thinks you shouldn't be doing what you do or how you do. I really think that by being honest you have that on your side. You don't have to explain later or worry that you are getting caught from a lie. If people disagree or start bashing, you don't get the feeling that you need to try to explain cause it was the truth after all", Dave explained.

  
"Yeah, but the problem then is that they start to compare me and Ches", Mike sighed looking at Rob who stayed silent.

  
"And? They will do it anyway. Just in a different way. Besides, think about those people that... have thought about going after him too. Would it make a difference? If you tell that you almost died but regret it now... maybe that would be something", the bassist shrugged.

  
"Fuck... It's just all too much right now. As the EP is out I need to be more active and then the questions. If I add there the questions about what I did... Sounds like... impossible task", the emcee mumbled and sipped his coffee.

  
"I get it. But think about it. As I said, it doesn't mean you need to make a post in Twitter telling in details what you did, but when the first person notices then you should tell. Be honest or then just tell something vague. Lying is never good. You know that, but I get that in this situation... well you would have a reason behind it", Dave tried to explain.

  
Going back to those days after Mike almost dying had made him think did he do something wrong then, or with Chester. And could he maybe effect to what was going to happen next. But the problem was that it was all just 'what if' and none were definitive answers.

  
"Guess that makes sense", Mike said. "We'll see what Brad thinks."

  
"I don't..." Rob sighed. "Maybe you shouldn't talk with him about it. He is still mad."

  
"I know. But it doesn't mean I don't want to hear his opinion to it. He is my friend after all."

  
"Fine. Just thinking that stressing him out over that..." the drummer shrugged.

  
"Okay what this is now? Nothing has changed suddenly. I know he is still mad at me. And it is justified. I am not mad at him being mad at me. I just don't like that he picks at me all the time. Constant reminder... Well hasn't done it now, but you know what I am talking about."

  
"Just something he said. Forget about it. He probably wants to hear it anyway", the other said looking at Dave who raised his eyebrow. The bassist was clueless. Because he wasn't the one that had picked up the phone in the middle of the night.

  
"Rob. Just say it", Mike deadpanned.

  
The other rubbed the bridge of his nose. "He has had nightmares."

  
"Still? Not that I don't have but..."

  
"They are apparently worse."

  
Just as he had said it he realized how bad idea it was. Now Mike was worried about Brad. And Brad was going to be worried about Mike, cause either way he would find out what they had just talked about.

  
"Just fucking nice. And no one cared to tell me?" Mike frowned and looked at Dave who just shook his head confused.

  
"Dave doesn't know, so don't blame him. Neither does Joe. Brad called me one night and we talked quite a while. But now you know."

  
"Awesome..." the emcee huffed sarcastically. "So what, about Chester? Right?"

  
"No. You", Rob sighed and glanced again Dave.

  
"Shit... That's just..." Mike started but realized no amount of sarcasm would save the situation.

  
"And that's the reason why I wasn't supposed to tell you", Rob mumbled and left the coffee cup on the table.

  
Mike didn't know what to say. He had way too much on his plate now to worry about Brad too. He knew the nightmares and how bad they could be. When they were bad enough for Brad to call Rob at the middle of the night it was a big deal.

  
"Don't worry about it. He will..." Rob started but when he saw Mike's expression he knew it was best to be quiet.

  
"Don't give me that. It's my responsibility to fix the fucking mess that I have created!" Mike exclaimed. He was mad at himself. Another messed up thing added to the heaping pile that just yelled him how badly he had fucked up.

  
Rob shook his head. "But you can't. It's not like you can suddenly fix it all. There's no magical button to get us over it. He needs more time. And the nightmares... I think they are part of the process."

  
The emcee sat there staring at him. He felt absolutely stupid. And it wasn't that he hadn't thought that it would be hard for them to get over it. But he had never thought what it would take, how hard it would be. And what it would exactly mean for all of them. He didn't think about it then and he had been so immersed in the grief that he didn't know what he had done to his friends. Subconsciously he knew it. It was there. If he only would have pushed the grief aside for a moment he would have seen it.

  
"So... I am in this limbo then? Waiting for myself to heal and then you all because of...", he gasped.

  
The idea hurt him so much. He still hadn't made amends with what he had done. Even though he tried to explain to himself that he had had a reason. That he wasn't thinking then what would come after. That there would be so much misery and pain. Now, being torn in two directions, he felt absolutely defeated. On the other hand, he thought it was perfectly justified as sad as he had been, and on the other hand he thought it was absolutely selfish. And then there was Chester. Because even if their reasoning behind the cause had been different the fact was that the cause had been the same.

  
"It's not forever. But Brad... like I said he needs time. You know how far we have come? And it hasn't been that long even", Dave tried to reassure him.

  
"Still. God fucking dammit", the half Asian shook his head in disbelief.

  
"Mike stop that. He will get through it. The nightmares are just one thing. We all have been okay now, right? So that's just..." Rob shrugged.

  
"A setback? Maybe. Okay... Yeah. But I hate it anyway", Mike mumbled. It was really going to be something that stayed with him forever.

  
"We just have to deal with it now. You are still with us so let's focus to it", Dave squeezed his shoulder now.

  
Same time they heard as Anna went to get the door and a few moments later Brad was standing there with them.

  
"Oh. So you told him", the guitarist raised his eyebrow and turned to look at Rob who shrugged. The atmosphere in the room was chilling.

  
"It's okay. Guess it's good that I see everything that my actions did", Mike sighed loudly.

  
"That was the exact point why you should have been left out. You probably know what goes inside my head, and the nightmares are usual in these kinds of situations but you still didn't have needed to know", Brad rolled his eyes. Then he turned to look at the drummer, "You didn't tell details I hope?"

  
"No, I didn't. But you know he wants to hear it", Rob noted.

  
Which lead to Mike tilting his head and a glare that told them that was exactly what he wanted.

  
"Not now. I slept well last night and don't want to think it now", Brad grumbled.

  
The half Asian nodded. "That's fine."

  
They all stayed awkwardly silent a while, all pondering different things before Rob spoke again, "So, we were thinking about the scars. What will the people say when they notice them. What should he tell?"

  
Brad looked at Mike a while. "Truth. Where do you think lying about it would lead?"

  
"Yeah. I think I have done enough damage already", the emcee mumbled.

  
"No. You need to stop that. Completely. You from all people should know better that that won't lead anywhere either", Dave interrupted his train of thought.

  
The half Asian sighed heavily and nodded then. Of course, Dave was right. They all knew it. And after spending a long while talking they made the conclusion that Mike would tell only if he was asked. Then Dave decided it would be a good moment to check Twitter and see what people were talking about the EP. Protecting Mike wasn't really his plan, because it wasn't possible, but reading several excited reviews first could maybe help his mood now.

  
That's how the rest of the day went. The anxiousness that was weighing Mike down was slowly subsiding when he realized how much the EP did mean to people. He knew it would matter. But he wasn't expecting to get that amount of stories about how Chester had affected them and how hard it was to listen to those three songs. That's they cut deep, but it was cathartic.

  
"I am glad it is liked that much Mike", Anna said as they going to sleep.

  
"Yeah. Did you see what Ryan wrote?"

  
Anna shook his head and tossed the blanket aside and sat on the bed.

  
"He said that he had to pull his car over and finish crying..." Mike mumbled.

  
"You have to call him tomorrow."

  
"I will. I didn't... too hard today to talk to them. Jason called too. And Joe had left a message that he will try to get here by tomorrow. And then Brad having nightmares... I knew he had them. But then Rob told that they have gotten worse. I don't know what to do."

  
Anna stroked his arm gently. "We talked with him about the nightmares. I knew he had called Rob cause he didn't want to bother you. The thing is Mike, you can't make them disappear. Only time can. Or change what happened. So instead stop worrying about it."

  
"Oh. You knew too?" Mike yawned. He wasn't even that surprised. At least they all had someone to talk to.

  
"It came up. And I didn't want to tell you because it wouldn't change a thing. I am sure he isn't the only one. The only difference is that his nightmares are just exaggerated versions of the truth. He was the only one then there. And of course, his subconscious lives the day over and over again."

  
"I wish I could help him", Mike sighed heavily.

  
"You can. But not the way you would want. Just by being you and trying to move forward. From that night and from Chester. It won't be easy but that's the only thing that will help. Try to forget the negativity and remember that you are still here. And that we had the joy to have him with us. That's years of happiness Mike. Beautiful memories. We need to cherish that", she smiled at him.

  
And of course, she was right. They _all_ were. And after all, he agreed with them. The second-guessing had started to mess up with his head when the person he couldn't imagine life without wasn't there anymore.

  
"You can do it. Take a step back and listen. Because that is what you do. You listen, absorb and then make something out of it. You still have that in you. Even if you got so confused when everything you were used to got shattered", Anna continued and with a delicate move flicked away the stubborn strand from his forehead.

  
"Yeah. I need to stay in motion. We'll see what happens tomorrow."

  
And that was metaphorical tomorrow. Because after all, he was still there.

 

  
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	19. When I just wanna disappear, you're the one that keeps me here

 

\----------  
  
  
  
Another day gone. Another week. Another month. Without Chester. The weird thing was that he had gotten used to it. And he didn't know was it a good or a bad thing. Remembering Chester wasn't as painful anymore. Still there were times when it cut deep enough to make him shut down, but usually he passed it more easily.  
  
  
Now his brows knitted in worry when Brad answered to his text with a simple  _K_. Not his style. Not even when he had been mad. But he knew he would be going to find out soon what was wrong, so he tried to calm himself down. Glancing at the clock on his phone he sighed hoping that the hour left would pass more quickly.  
  
  
"More coffee?" Anna walked past noticing his empty cup. She knew his habits perfectly well and was glad that he didn't drink that much coffee anymore, as he has when she had been away.  
  
  
Mike stared at the bottom of the cup a while all the thoughts just swirling in his mind. "Yeah. One more."  
  
  
She gave him a faint smile and picked up the cup from the coffee table. As she was walking out from the room she turned his head just to ask, "That was Brad?"  
  
  
The emcee nodded and leaned back on the couch. Anna nodded back knowing that there was still the unsureness weighing them all down. For the past months, Mike had gotten better and better and she wasn't that scared anymore. But these silent moments brought always her back to that time when she thought she would become a widow too.  
  
  
Mike watched behind her and turned then to look out from the window. He had had a lot of time to think about Chester. Calmly. Now as the heaviest sorrow had subsided his brains weren't foggy anymore and he could really ponder it. He didn't want that Chester's death was in vain. There must be something good coming out of it too. That they need to live because Chester would want that from them. Not to get lost in the grief so badly that they wouldn't know a way out.  
  
  
"I miss the days when you were happy", Anna said. She sat next to him and gave him the cup that was now filled with steaming coffee, placing her own on the table.  
  
  
"I miss the days too. But it isn't like I am not happy now. You know? There's plenty of things that are happy. That makes me happy. I am just not yet all the way happy", Mike kissed her temple softly and let her lace her fingers to his.  
  
  
"I know. And I know that there will be that time too. But I miss the days when your eyes sparkled. When you couldn't stop because you were having so much fun. And I know that I shouldn't compare you and Talinda, but she is having also still a hard time. It's there, bubbling under. But seems like you both can't just let it surface. Something holding you back."  
  
  
"Maybe", Mike said thinking about the words. Remembering him and reminiscing the memories made him often smile. But he had tried to ignore the feeling. It still felt wrong.  
  
  
"It's like... like you feel you shouldn't be happy because he isn't here anymore. That because he died you aren't supposed to have fun. You are. He wouldn't want you to grieve forever and stop living because he isn't here. I know it's so hard to think about the future when you can't share it with your best friend. But you are not alone. And by living your life to it's fullest, being happy, you are also cherishing his memory. Keeping it alive. We all would want that", Anna smiled reassuringly.  
  
  
Mike stayed silent for a long while thinking. He knew Chester wouldn't want them to dwell in the pain forever. Even if it was hard to start living again it had to be done. And if he wouldn't do it properly then it would be halfway. And he never did anything halfway so why should he do it now either. And now he realized that Anna was saying the things he already knew. Things that really made sense.  
  
  
"Yeah. I do agree. I want him to be proud of what I do. And staying in that dark place forever is the same as I would be dead too. The future is just so scary. And... I know I haven't healed yet fully. There's still a long way to go", Mike sighed heavily. More to himself and the idea that no matter what he did Chester and his own actions were always as a shadow behind him.  
  
  
"Hey, there's not a definite point when we can say we are healed. You said it yourself too, right? We can only make the most of our days and try to live the life so he can be proud of us. One day you can look back and be sure that you aren't getting worse anymore. Only better. Part of him lives inside you. And there is so much love to share", she tried to explain her thoughts in a way she knew Mike would understand.  
  
  
The other nodded in acceptance and draw her under his arm. In silence, they sat there having their coffee and thinking about the future that was still unknown.  
  
  
As the hour passed and Brad arrived Mike's mood took a total turn from the pondering to sad. Brad looked bad and Mike already knew why.  
  
  
"Still? It has been a long time Brad. You look like you haven't slept at all."  
  
  
Brad raised an eyebrow and shook his head. "Yup, didn't really. But I don't want to talk about it."  
  
  
"But I do. I owe it to you. Besides you listened when I told about my nightmares so...", Mike nodded and pointed at the couch gesturing Brad to sit down.  
  
  
The other chewed his lip reluctantly pondering but sat down anyway. He glanced at Anna who was reading on the other side of the living room now. He knew she could hear them, but she already had heard about the nightmares. She had talked with Brad when Rob didn't answer his phone. Because she knew what they were like. Because she knew that even if her nightmares weren't as bad as Brad's she could listen.  
  
  
"So, is it same still?" Mike shifted on the couch. He really didn't want to hear it. But he was sure it had to be done. And if he had been the one to cause the nightmares then he wanted to be the one to try to fix it. He couldn't erase what had happened but he could be there for Brad now. And if Brad was still having the nightmares after all the months there should be some way to stop them.  
  
  
"Mike I...", Brad swallowed, the lump in his throat getting bigger, choking. "I really don't want to talk about it. And you really shouldn't hear it."  
  
  
"Cut the crap. My turn now", Mike shook his head and smiled faintly. It was clear how horrible Brad felt. But he didn't want to give up now.  
  
  
"It's just... Just what happened. I arrive and panic because you don't react to me. It's just that. Then you don't open your eyes anymore. And the blood is just pouring. I can't even see where it is coming from. It's everywhere. And it's so much... Just that thick, sticky red liquid on my hands. Not possible for a human body to have that much blood. And then I wake up. But I can still smell it. Even taste it. Like... I would actually have it in my mouth. Then I ran to the bathroom and puke and cry. I cry until I get numb. And then I try to get myself back together and remind myself that it happened a long time ago and you are alive and getting better. And then I remember why you did it", Brad told, the words just flowing out from his mouth like he didn't take a single breathe in between them.  
  
  
"That's..." Mike gasped. It stung his heart. Like nothing before. He didn't think the consequences then because he thought he wouldn't survive. And because his brains were blinded by the alcohol and sorrow he didn't think really at all. And he hated it. Because there was nothing he could do now that just to listen and feel hurt. Just like Brad, probably not even as much.  
  
  
"Gruesome? Horrible? Sad? Yup. It is. But I already told you that it happens. I would be more surprised if I wouldn't have nightmares. And they could be worse too", Brad sighed heavily. He didn't like that Mike was so worried. It made him feel like Mike was focusing too much on him and not to his own healing.  
  
  
"They? So... That's not the only one. Or do you mean they as in because you see it repeatedly?" Mike turned to face him.  
  
  
Brad shook his head. It was unnecessary for him to go details. Especially when he already had told the nightmare he first saw. The other wasn't as bad, nor appeared as often.  
  
  
"Brad... I know this is hard. I can never make it up... erase what I did. I wish I could. I regret it every day. Even when the pain gets so intolerable that I think I should just give up. Even then I feel... I know that it's not what I want to do. That none of you deserve it. And I hate even thinking about it because thinking that Chester was selfish makes me think I am selfish", Mike tried to explain. He knew the subject was one of those where there was really no definitive answer. It was a feeling that was inside him and no matter how hard someone tried he was sure they wouldn't understand more than just a sliver of it.  
  
  
The guitarist bend his fingers making the joints snap and Mike cringe at the sight more than at the sound and groaned. "I really don't feel like we should talk about this. Besides you remember Alan right? I will talk to him. Well did already, but he said he wants to meet me face to face."  
  
  
_Oh the psychiatric guy_ , Mike thought trying to find the picture from his memory that could fit the name. "That's good. But I still want to hear."  
  
  
Rolling his eyes Brad gave up. "You are a stubborn asshole, you know that? The other dream I have isn't as bloody. There I try to find the hotel room but I can't. The corridors get longer and longer the faster I run. And the doors have numbers but only from one to ten. So... I just run in panic, almost not able to breathe because I am sure I won't find the right door in time. And then I wake up."  
  
  
"Fuck... I'm sorry..." Mike shook his head desperate that Brad had to deal with his mess up in such horrible way.  
  
  
"I know you are. It won't change it. And even so, I could also dream about Ches as you did. So... Let's just try not to think about it. I'll talk with Alan and see does he have any suggestions. It's not your thing to worry about. I am fine", Brad nodded looking way more sure that he should have been.  
  
  
"And now it's my turn to say this too- no, you are not fine. But you will be", the emcee smiled compassionately and gave the other a quick hug.  
  
  
"I don't see them even every night. Sometimes it's weeks apart and then suddenly I see them a few nights in a row. So... Anyway. I am sure he has some ideas".  
  
  
"So what's the next step now?" Brad decided to change the subject after a while of silence.  
  
  
"I will be doing some music videos. I'm not quite sure yet what they will have but since the EP had videos I thought the rest of the songs should have too. At least most of them", Mike nodded glancing at Anna who had turned to face him, smiling. She absolutely loved that Brad had gotten over the worst anger. Their friendship still wasn't the best it could be, because it was healing too- just like them.  
  
  
"Even the instrumental?"  
  
  
"Even that. Well, for that I already have an idea", Mike said.  
  
  
"Tell me about it?" the guitarist asked, interested.  
  
  
And so Mike did. He told about his ideas to the music videos. He told how excited he was about the album and how he wished it would turn another page in their lives. And how he wanted that the fans would take it like that too. That they would enjoy the music and see they were healing. See that the grief was still there, but it wasn't as burning. And would still get lighter, more tolerable. And that even if one of them wasn't anymore there, the rest of them tried to move forward and make Chester proud. Past, nor he, wasn't going to be forgotten but remembered and honored.  
  
  
And Brad listened. He heard every single word and gave his opinions. Mike pondered the answers and gave his opinion back. Just like in the old times. Just like when Chester was still with them.  
  
  
Then he told about the tour that was still just an idea. Because he didn't know would they want to see him perform alone, without the others. Without Chester. Even if the songs were his. Brad was sure they did want it. But then Mike wasn't sure should he perform in a few intimate shows, or do something bigger.  
  
  
He had no idea about the future, or what he wanted to do. But the best part of the whole thing was that the whole world was open. He was still on the path he would have never stepped on if he would have had a choice but he was going to see where it would lead. And make sure that in the end he could look back and be proud of himself too and not regret that he didn't die.  
  
  
  
\---------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading. Kudos and comments are appreciated too, as always.


	20. Right now, I'm floating above it all

\----------  
  
  
  
"You know that's what you do."  
  
  
"Yeah."  
  
  
"And we talked about this. You will survive. But it's more than that. You will shine."  
  
  
Mike stared at his wife, pondering. He was scared like never before. Weirdly even. It wasn't the first time for him on stage. But it was the first time without the other guys. And it was the second time without Chester. Now the tribute show seemed like just a practice for all of this. But mostly he feared that the response would blow to his face and make him regret the decision.  
  
  
"What if I fail?"  
  
  
"In what way? It doesn't matter what you do Mike, they will love you anyway. But that there, the stage, that's where you belong. So don't let the fear take it away from you. That's just the first one. The new start", Anna said.  
  
  
He nodded and glanced at the clock on the wall. It was almost four PM and he should already be headed towards the stage. To get ready. And he never could be. One new thing more he could never be ready for. Never get used to either.  
  
  
"Stop thinking about it. You make us all so proud. So so proud", Anna scooped him to a hug and squeezed tight.  
  
  
Just one more reassuring gesture. Mike needed now concrete actions. The words weren't affecting him the way Anna wanted. And this was really all she could do. Mike had it in him already. He knew that he belonged to the stage and this was a journey he just had to walk. Because the only other way was backward, and Mike never walked to that direction. Now he just needed for that sureness to resurface. That same he had had when he had announced the first shows. The same one that made even Brad's doubt fade to almost imperceptible amounts.  
  
  
"I know. But I can't erase the feeling. I assume that if it all goes well then it will be gone. Or at least will disappear so deep that I can ignore it", Mike said a tiny smile tugging his lips. An unsure one.  
  
  
Anna gestured them forward and together they walked behind the stage. Only ten more minutes and then he would see how it would go. He felt like he really didn't have any say on it now. Not even when he could just mess up with the instruments. But this seemed like there was some greater power controlling it. And he just had to do his best. So that if he would mess up it wouldn't add on the bigger mess up.  
  
  
"And you know you can always decide to do something else. You alone on the stage feels awkward to me too. It might be just what you need. Or not. You won't know until you try. At the end of the day, you don't owe anything to anyone. Not even for them", Anna pointed out, talking about the fans. "Really Mike. Not even when you think you do. I am sure they won't expect you to do shows. There are already songs. Already so much love. Even you have your limits."  
  
  
"Yeah. You are right, I know that. I need to do this. At least now. We'll see then how it goes. And Joe is with me there later so I think I am okay", Mike nodded.  
  
  
"As I said, there's no such thing as failure for you. You know that too. Even if it feels like failing there's something good coming out of it", she gave him now a quick hug with a reassuring smile and left towards the crowd.  
  
  
She was worried. Terribly worried about how the crowd would take it. It wasn't Linkin Park. It was just Mike. But she wasn't any more worried about Mike. Not like she had been for months. The feeling had slowly subsided as Mike got better with each passing day. The nightmares were still there, but they occurred less frequently and Mike seemed to deal with them differently. She still woke up occasionally in the middle of the night just to check that he was still there. But finding him sleeping beside her time after time, or in few occasions in the studio, she realized she couldn't live in fear for the rest of their lives. Whether it was days or years.  
  
  
Mike really didn't give them any reason to doubt. The pain was also still there, inside him, but he had learned to live with it and to direct it elsewhere. But it wasn't as sharp, as cutting as before. And it was really all he could do because he knew that he wouldn't get rid of it. So he rather took the pain and made something out of it.  
  
  
And there he was back on the stage. Alone and confused. He was sure he would mess up. But Anna was right. It wouldn't matter. Because he was here now and that was the most important thing. And no matter what he did there would always be someone to tell him he was a failure, and then the others that would appreciate him.  
  
  
In the crowd, Anna waited nervously. She knew exactly what was coming, unless if Mike would suddenly change the setlist. But since it was the first show she knew that it was also rehearsal same time and Mike would do it exactly as planned. Still she really just wasn't prepared when Over Again transitioned to Papercut. It was one thing to have another person sing it instead of Chester. But Mike there alone, all the people staring at him, made Anna cringe.  
  
  
And still, she was so proud. When the show ended and she rushed back to the dressing rooms she was glad to meet a smiling, but so very confused man than the wreck he had been after the tribute show. That was a sign that it was the right decision.  
  
  
"It was good", Lorenzo nodded when she sighed heavily. "Really good show."  
  
  
"It was. Weird to see the songs in daylight", she answered.  
  
  
"Second then. It should be better. My voice was too shaky. Are we already in hurry?" Mike asked adjusting his hoodie.  
  
  
"I really don't want to take any chances with the traffic", Jim shook his head.  
  
  
In unison, they nodded and started to get ready. Two shows in the first day was risky but Mike had been ready to take it.  
  
  
 **~~~~~~**  
  
  
"And it all went better than he expected", Joe stated and thanked the waiter that placed his plate in front of him.  
  
  
"Except the intro", Rob snorted and got a piercing look from Joe.  
  
  
"I was talking about Mike", the deejay laughed shaking his head.  
  
  
"It did. But I have still a lot to improve", Mike let out a heavy sigh and sipped his beer.  
  
  
"But remember our first shows. We were horrible. So basically you are learning how to do it alone. Everything all over again", Brad noted. "If you are shit at the end of the year we can tell you then it's us that you need."  
  
  
"Thanks, dude", Mike laughed and shook his head. "Yeah yeah, I will adjust to it. Those were just the first two. Haven't even started properly yet."  
  
  
"Is it weird that we are sitting in a table for six? I mean... We could have chosen another table. These are one of those situations that make me always wonder what others think. Sure it shouldn't matter. But... You know", Rob asked as the waiter left them.  
  
  
Mike glanced at the empty chair next to him and just then he realized that it was the same table they always took when they were in the restaurant. When Chester was still with them.  
  
  
"Well... We can't always think what other people would say", Dave exhaled. "There's sure the danger that they will rip some weird headlines from this but that's how it always has been. Even before he was gone.   
  
  
"Just a thought", Rob said looking at the empty spot that Mike was still staring.  
  
  
Such a weird thing really. Only an empty seat but still it brought so many emotions to his mind. And he didn't feel like escaping them. Because in the middle of the grief and pain there were all the happy memories. The ones that he didn't want to forget. The ones that he just needed to dig up and reminisce over and over again.  
  
  
"Yeah", Dave nodded at Rob.  
  
  
"Do you still have the nightmares?" Mike cleared his throat and turned to look at Brad. They haven't talked about it in a long while, but Anna had promised she would tell if the situation wouldn't get better and that he had accepted. Brad seemed way more comfortable in talking with Anna about it. Maybe because really Mike was the main cause of the sorrow, but same time also outsider in it.  
  
  
"Yup. Rarely though", Brad mumbled looking at his plate.  
  
  
"Good then. I hope someday they will end. Like mine", the emcee answered.  
  
  
"Do you still see the... shadow thing?" Brad changed the subject.  
  
  
Mike nodded smiling. "I do. Same with that, it's rare. I think it's always there but I don't see it as often as I used to."  
  
  
"Do you think it... he, whatever it is, will always be there?"  
  
  
"No idea. But I kinda hope so. Somehow it gives me consolation. Even when it's just a presence. Even when half the time I think I am still imagining it."  
  
  
Brad accepted the answer with a nod. They fell silent, all focusing on the food and their rumbling stomachs. Mike stayed aware the whole time that Chester wasn't sitting next to him, while his mind kept finding the happy memories. The older ones seemed to be almost fading and he made a mental note that he should try to see some show from their first years to help to return the best moments.  
  
  
When they left and approached the cars Dave stopped them. "Hey, I think we should take a photo."  
  
  
"Now? Well... Okay but..." Mike was about to say that it would be hard to get them all in the pic and to take it, but Dave had already stopped a bystander and asked her to help.  
  
  
They arranged themselves quickly not wanting to bother the woman longer than it was a must. Mike in the middle they waited for her to take the pic. Mike was more nervous that she would recognize them, but when she gave his phone back to Dave and nodded smiling Mike realized she had. She just didn't want to say anything.  
  
  
"Well, you'll call tomorrow, right?" Brad asked when the woman had left.  
  
  
"Sure", Mike nodded opening his car door.  
  
  
"And if you need us", Dave added.  
  
  
"Any day", Rob continued and patted his shoulder.  
  
  
"Or night", Joe joined them.  
  
  
Mike nodded again. He really didn't know what to say. They were always there. They had been and they always would be. Now he just did need to make amends with himself. Forgive what he had done and except that even he made mistakes. That some mistakes stayed with you forever reminding you that you survived and are learning.  
  
  
They squeezed him to a hug, all of them knowing that it wouldn't be the last one if it only was up to them. With smiles and laughter, they exchanged few more words and wished Mike good luck for the upcoming album release party before they all got to their cars and headed back home.  
  
  
 **~~~~~~**  
  
  
"Glad you had fun", Anna said while she made sure her pillow was perfectly ready for the night.  
  
  
Yawning Mike pulled the covers over himself and nodded then. "I did. But it was strange too. I know it will be for a while. Always when we gather around I feel like I should ask when is he going to be there and why is he late. Like... I know what the reality is, but I still feel compelled to do it."  
  
  
"I know. I just spoke to Talinda and she told that she hadn't put his favorite coffee cup away. Even when she never uses it. It just sits there on the cupboard, in front of all others", Anna said a compassionate smile curling her lips.  
  
  
"When you lose someone so important you lose like a limb. Or maybe I should say a piece of my heart is gone. I like that better."  
  
  
"Then fill the empty space with the memories. Carry him there. That way he will never be forgotten. You take him where ever you go. On family gatherings, meeting with friends, the venues. On stage too. He is there with you. Maybe we can't see it but he is there. And the memories keep him alive", she said and turned the light off.  
  
  
"On stage... I'm still kinda scared. Bigger venues and the familiar ones mostly."  
  
  
"If you weren't scared it would be weird, don't you think? But you are already making us proud. Him too. Him especially."  
  
  
Mike nodded in the dark bedroom not knowing how to respond. That was really what he wanted. And them all to continue the journey with him, together. To make him proud and to make sure the life was worth living.  
  
  
He picked up his phone to make sure the alarm would go off on time and noticed the message from Dave. He had sent the picture the woman took earlier of them.  
  
  
There five of them. Smiling. Like in the old times. And he was sure that at that moment Chester had been smiling too.

  
  
\--------- The End --------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. Thank you so much for being here with me. It means more than you know. Kudos and reviews are still appreciated and cherished. I love you all.


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